Built for More Than Survival

There’s an entire generation walking around confused, burned out, emotionally stunted or overburdened. It is not because they failed, but because they were never taught how to live. Millennials and their parents inherited silent rules, unspoken traumas, and outdated ideologies disguised as wisdom. Somewhere between survival and image, we forgot how to be human.

This list is not a bashing critique on any generation. It is implying why we picked some toxic patterns and they need to be dropped right now. It is a reminder message to all of us in that age group, that we are hurting others and ourselves by not accepting the truth about ourselves. We can change, whenever we want.

It is our life. And we can remember only one before dying. 

Even stationary trees shed their leaves and grow new ones, then we are humans, we can change only if we believe life is better when we keep evolving and growing with it.

The skills that should have been taught to millennials and parents of millennials, but were missed for various reasons

1. Having difficult conversation / not to escape emotional conversations
2. Taking care of physical health
3. Understanding what is mental health and taking care of it
4. If your loved ones are complaning about your behavior, acknowledge it and do something about it
5. Honest conversations / being vulnerable when it matters
6. Ability to accept criticism
7. A sense of humor/ ability to laugh at oneself
8. Self awareness
9. How to take care of others without burning oneself out
10. How  to say thank you / to show gratitude / to recognize and appreciate someone’s help even if they love us, not taking kindness for granted
11. Saying sorry, even to an infant, animal or a plant
12. How to be selfless without looking for recognition or return
13. How to take care of others / do things with no benefit for oneself
14. House chores
15. Knowing basic skills of life/ Just because you earn well, doesn’t mean you should get away with not learning basic skills in life like cooking, cleaning, maintaining a house, taking care of others, doing basic financial work, traveling/driving/riding for work alone
16. Not being a burden of a person on others
17. How not to torture themselves and their children in the name of parenting
18. Spirituality and healthy detachment
19. Critical thinking / challenging problematic rituals and practices
20. Enjoying life with its imperfections, not chasing the perfection
21. Money over everything else
22. Thriving versus surviving
23. How not to deny honest feedback in relationships and in public life
24. Not depending their self worth on people’s opinions, rather than on oneself / high self esteem
25. Not taking major decisions in life like career, marriage to get approval of others
26. Not caring about third parties more than direct family members
27. Show off/snobbery versus real happiness
28. Not just Worrying about future, but  also caring about  present
29. Not regretting the past always
30. Not living in yesterday and someone else’s life, thinking how life could be better if they had something else / always looking at someone else’s garden and comparing their life
31. How to live without constant whining
32. Problem solving versus problem seeking
33. Not interested in others’ life, gossiping
34. Not talking to people just for entertainment but developing real connections
35. Not treating God like their servant, whose job is to appease them, and believing if He doesn’t then He doesn’t exist
36. Not using people for purpose, not enjoying people as a company
37. Giving high importance to friendship and community
38. Worrying about our own contribution and not always thinking about what others are contributing
39. Be the bigger guy, and not always wondering why they should be the only one nice
40. Not worrying about quid pro quo and making every relationship and interaction transactional, keep passing the good deeds on
41. Having an individual personality / not having herd mentality
42. Inculcating a lifelong hobby, for your own happiness
43. Having a life of your own, especially meant for old age
44. Understanding the importance, power and responsibility of humans and having a sense of self
45. Not putting dogmatism / pseudo-traditionalism over everything else
46. Never avoid responsibility / never think about bending the rules even if there’s no one watching / never run away from accountability
47. Do not imitate wrongdoings, corrupt activities with explanation that everyone is doing
48. Do not use God as an excuse to bully others 
49. Empathy!!!
50. Accepting  your weaknesses, accepting feeling tired and will to rest is not a sign of failure
51. Being bold / telling right from wrong with confidence and practicing the tough road
52. Asking for help, especially when struggling mentally
53. Asking for help for those who can’t ask for themselves
54. Pick up fight for the weak
55. Feel happy for others / do not feel insecure and jealous of others and their achievements
56. Use money to feel happy too, not just save it for one day
57. Enjoying / resting / relaxing without feeling guilty
58. Not competing who works hard more / do not glorify mindless grinding / work hard for your own happiness not to please anyone else
59. Appreciating public property and always keeping in mind fellow citizens, even if no one is watching and there is no penalty
60. Respect for disabled and differently abled, working towards an inclusive society, understanding issues they face and how to solve them
61. Thinking about how all strata of society, including animals and plants can be helped through our work
62. Treating animals and plants with respect, not to hurt the weak in any form
63. Selfcare is not selfish, it is important to take care of oneself if one wants to take care of others
64. Taking education very seriously
65. Mastering at least one skill which can earn you money, if nothing else works
66. Learning is a lifelong process
67. A nuclear family is separate unit, a joint family is still a bunch of individual nuclear units. Respecting each unit is healthy.
68. Not to use elders especially parents as vending/ATM machines. They don’t owe their adult children anything. Everybody deserves a respectful life. A life of their choice.
69. Respect should not be bought with money, least of all from your own family.
70. Importance of ‘me’ time / importance of spatial privacy / break for everyone
71. Your house should be your most comfortable place, invest in it
72. You have one body, take care of it, invest on it, guiltfree
73. Don’t ruin your happiness and relationships for work
74. Outsourcing work when can’t take it / it’s okay to ask for help / make your money do your work so that you can be more efficient
75. Understanding the importance of roles that people take up by choice and living it to the fullest
76. Importance of manual hard work
77. Taking risks more often, especially in career, saying yes to things which you are really passionate about

Things parents of millennials taught their kids which probably made sense to them but are not working anymore:

1. Self serving ideologies 
2. Obedience
3. Believing people can’t change
4. Believing you don’t ask old people to change
5. People are born as is, and their personality is carved in stone
6. People willing to think out of the box are detrimental to society and against their practicing religions
7. God is a cruel master who has favorite people / God is their slave (father) whose job to serve them as per their wish, He can’t deny their wishes
8. There is no free will
9. Love means people who love you should abide by you, even if it means tying a noose around their neck.
10. You can make anyone happy with money.
11. People who are in your life owe you your happiness, you don’t owe anything to yourself and others, as long you fulfill your duty as per your definition, even if it hurts others
12. Life means duty
13. Thinking not knowing basic life skills is cute and it is your spouse’s task to take care of your basic needs like you are a child
14. Spouse and children are the punching bags sent to you by god
15. Hypocrite personality- nice outside, bully at home
16. Using money for charity and helping people, yet not fulfilling needs of family and creating a situation of financial scarcity at home
17. Always telling family that there is no money yet wasting it in risky things
18. Image is more important than truth
19. One should never cry or cry alone, and not solve the problem ever. There is an award for people who suffer in silence.
20. Never attempt to question or understand your religion on your own. Accept only those teachings that serve your purpose
21. Treating people willing to help them as dumping ground
22. Lack of responsibility in their own behaviour 
23. Victim mentality, always telling how world did them wrong
24. Materialistic success and power is the only way to feel like you have done big in life
25. If you haven’t achieved a big position where everyone calls you sir/madam then you have failed.
26. Respect is not by default but earned
27. Respect is in order of power and money, background, age, gender
28. It is okay to insult anyone younger, poorer than you, apologies are never in order
29. Children have no right to respect. It is okay to hit them anytime, anywhere because you are older than them.
30. Emotionally blackmailing their family members to do things that serves their ego or good for their image
31. Guilt tripping their family members for not serving them or pleasing them as per their wish
32. Unable to see things from another’s point of view if it means changing your own view or accommodating others needs
33. Under the rug mentality / not talking about important issues to cater to emotional manipulation
34. Toxic parenting / Not teaching life skills like finances and navigating emotions to children and expecting they can learn this by getting married
35. Treating adult children as their savior who have to fullfill the role of spouses and parents, dumping on them the weight of unfulfilled desires on those who are not supposed to carry this burden
36. Putting parental responsibilites on children, like taking care of younger sibling while still young themselves
37. Treating parents like housekeepers, nannies, asking them to relocate without understanding their requirements and emotional needs
38. Not working on a solid retirement and care plan especially for parents, when they haven’t been able to plan it for themselves, ignoring them in their old age as burden
39. Parents making adult children feel guilty for following their dreams and living an indepedent life, in orde to cater to their unfulfilled desires
40. As an adult, expecting and overrelying on your parents to still take care of your matters like you are still a child
41. Parents unwilling to relocate when dependent on adult children, especially when there is no other option, behaving emotionally clingy to their hometown because they don’t like changing, creating emotional trauma for their adult children and family
42. Genderification of parental and familial care roles, which gender is more suitable to take care of parents
43. Not accepting there is an issue with your behavior when there is clearly one
44. Treating their children’s spouses as outsiders
45. Treating their children as adults who should know everything right from infancy and expecting from them ideal adult behavior since childhood
46. Bullying and shaming children, be it young or adult
47. Encouraging children to keep with abuse in the name of respect, traditions and image
48. Using violence to teach children right behavior
49. Not displaying love to their loved ones
50. Number of offsprings as the sole indicator of happy marriage
51. Not accepting different kinds of partnerships / relationships
52. Pushing people who love them away and later making them feel guilty about it for not being there
53. Unable to form a healthy community
54. Putting up with toxic family members, because related by blood
55. Changing perception of people on the basis of money in their bank
56. Treating those people miserably who go out of the way to help
57. Discouraging people for supporting one another
58. Making children especially siblings or cousins compete with one another and compare their life, marriage, career throughout their life
59. Obsessing over blood relationships and legacy
60. Discouraging adoption and gender equality because of purist mentality
61. Looking at roles, not the people playing them
62. Accepting substances as healthy coping mechanisms and not seeking help for addictions

A separate book is required to write about how different genders are treated in India, especially the outlook of millennials and previous generations.

One would say why I am being so harsh to us?

But speaking truth is honesty, not harshness.

And remember honesty is the best policy. Well, in this case it definitely is.

I extend the grace to ourselves and our elders for doing what was needed, in the toughest of situations.

We survived. We made it. You had to be there to understand those times.

We adapted according to the times and these practices and behaviours are result of how we managed to make the best of those sitations. We can appreciate all that.

But this appreciation and understanding is taking away our chance to grow with the new world. We are unable to reap the benefits of our own efforts.

The age of survival is gone, it’s the age of thriving.

The grace we are extending to ourselves is being used as an excuse by our brains to stay as we are. Change is being avoided and conveniently ignored.

We have mixed change with disrespect, while taking away the rights and opportunities of the new generation.

We can spend many more decades in trying to mourn with our elders about the tough times they faced but it is taking away the chances of our future generations to become happier.

And it is always the future generation that deserves more attention, because the previous generation lays the foundation of the future building.

Who are we without our progeny?

More is being lost by staying as we are. We owe it to the future to keep changing with times as we see them. This cycle will keep going on.

We are the babies of evolution, not dropped from sky as is.

It’s the wheel that moves that can reach the destination, nobody has reached anywhere by staying stuck in a puddle.

While we contemplate whether to change or not, our families are becoming distant, the people we love are suffering alone, lonlier than ever. We drift them apart, a little further, everyday.

Because the heart can take only so much pain, from loved ones.

Hence, sure we cannot change the past, but we can stop passing it on. It’s time we learn the skills we were never taught. And, more importantly,  it’s time we stop glorifying the struggle and start celebrating the courage it takes to feel, connect, rest, and live with truth.