Long-term trauma leaves you with no idea who you are. You keep coping, imitating, trying to become someone, maybe your ideal self, because you don’t know your original self, if something like that even exists.
An authentic “you” doesn’t exist yet.
And then, when you heal a little and build some self-worth, you feel even more lost. You don’t want to copy anymore, but you also don’t know who you truly are. You don’t like being told what’s wrong with you because, deep down, you feel it’s not your fault.
You don’t know your weaknesses or strengths because, whatever they are, they’ve just been your way of surviving all this time.
It takes years, sometimes decades, to figure out what you should and shouldn’t be. And while you’re stuck in that process, life keeps passing by. Once again, you feel left behind. Once again, you’re missing the boat.
People say, “You can be anything.” But how do you even choose what to be? If you had a personality to begin with, maybe you could just hone it. But when you have to build a whole new one from scratch? That’s something else entirely.
You’re physically clumsy, mentally even worse, and sometimes only you can see that. The weight of that invisible struggle crushes your confidence. The confusion drains you. The embarrassment, of not knowing yourself, becomes something only you can feel, because others have no idea what it’s like.
It’s a lonely journey. A dark, small, lonely room in the corner of existence. And the only way to turn the light on is from the outside, by letting in acceptance.
Acceptance of who you are. Acceptance of the hope that you could be anything. No matter how much you want to escape this room, you can’t unless you carry acceptance with you- everywhere, probably forever.
And yes, acceptance is heavy too. It puts the responsibility on you. But is it worth it? Maybe. I have yet to see. But sitting alone in this room doesn’t feel good either.
Decades might pass, and only a few will bother to knock on this door. Even fewer, maybe just one, might try to break it open.
But is waiting for that person really worth it?
Instead of expecting someone else to save you, isn’t it better to walk out yourself?
Carry your own burden, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone who’s carrying a similar one. Or someone who, even without their own burden, is willing to help with yours.
Life is difficult, but maybe not as unbearable as it seems. If nothing else, we can learn to be our own best company, carrying ourselves through the weight of it all. And maybe—just maybe—one day, it won’t feel as heavy anymore.
Leave a Reply