Tag: relationships

  • Jealousy: The Villain or The Mirror

    Jealousy walks into our lives quietly, like an uninvited guest. It doesn’t shout at first. It lingers in the corner, watching, comparing, whispering that someone else has what we don’t.

    As children, it may start with toys or attention; as adults, it shifts to success, love, or recognition.

    Yet the emotion is the same. It is raw, uncomfortable, and deeply human.

    The real question is not whether jealousy visits us, but what we choose to do when it does. Should we deny it, let it poison us, or learn to understand the truths it is pointing toward?

    My observation is we feel jealous only in certain types of situations. And it has some markers and with some inner work we can get past it, if we can organise our thoughts around it a bit.

    1. The distance factor

    Our degree of jealousy depends on how “close” we feel to the person in question. In a way, it shows in which league we put ourselves.

    For example, jealousy usually hits harder when the person is closer to our own life situation. They probably have a similar job, from a similar educational or financial background, same hometown, same social circle etc. Something which puts you in a pretty similar opportunity category, seemingly. That’s why siblings/classmates/cousins/colleagues often feel jealous of each other.

    But if the distance is too big, jealousy shifts into admiration. Think of a gully boy admiring Eminem. He knows he can only admire him, not join his league. But another successful musician, closer to Eminem’s level, might feel more jealousy than admiration.

    We often see how celebrities are jealous of each other’s success. A small kid would admire Meryl Streep, but a leading actor of Bollywood would probably be jealous of her.

    So, when the gap feels too wide to cover, we admire it. When the gap feels bridgeable, we get jealous.

    1. The “not earned it” trigger

    We also get jealous when we feel someone hasn’t earned what they’re getting. If it looks like they’ve been handed success, attention, or praise they don’t deserve, jealousy rises.

    Probably that’s why nepotism hurts so much. You feel you have the same set of skills and talent, but just because of one extra blood relation they are chosen, not you.

    Now, if we could acknowledge struggles or see the effort behind someone’s achievements, for example a dear friend, then even when they’re in the same league, we’re more likely to respect them, maybe even encourage them, instead of resenting them.

    The acknowledgement of struggle also comes from a place of empathy and security. If we were raised to be kind, then we would notice the struggles and would admire the hard work someone does to achieve something similar.

    1. Low self-worth

    A big root of jealousy is low self-worth. If I feel jealous because someone else is called beautiful, inner work will show that I’m dissatisfied with my own looks.

    Deep down, I think, “This person has the same flaws as me. Why don’t they feel the same inferiority as I do? Why am I not being praised like them?”

    When we see them coping with their insecurities, it reminds us of our own failures, and we lash out as jealousy.

    This is why having a clear sense of self and clear definitions of concepts like happiness, beauty, or love is so important. If you truly believe everyone is beautiful in their own way, including yourself, jealousy naturally decreases.

    So, the moral?

    Let them be. And you be you. Use jealousy as a marker of what you think is missing, instead of projecting it on others. The more secure you are in yourself, the less anyone can touch you.

    1. Seeking approval and comparisons

    Jealousy also spikes when someone we seek approval from compares us to another person, who we do not think we are similar to at all. Maybe the comparison isn’t even valid, but because their judgment matters to us, we start competing with the one they held against us.

    The real question is: why do you need this person’s approval? Are they qualified to judge? Mature enough, despite the age and status? Do they even understand your journey? Have you lived similar lives, with similar struggles and opportunities?

    Often the answer is no. Yet we still let their comparison sting us.

    The most common example? Cousins, neighbours, colleagues. But are we really that similar? Should we let the cognitive bias of the comparer define our worth?

    It’s like asking: should elephants really care what ants say about them?

    This happens within families a lot. We are compared to a sibling or a distant cousin, and are constantly shamed for our struggles and failures. We feel hurt by our parents and elders for not recognizing our life situations, and shaming us, to apparently help us.

    We are shamed despite being successful by all social parameters, for a thing which doesn’t make sense, except your elders.

    Startup founders, even after being successful and accoladed by one and all, are shamed by their elders for not clearing government jobs, because success for them is a blue light car (although banned now).

    Shaming as children it only increases resentment towards parents, and sometimes even that person we are being compared with.The jealousy sometimes puts distance because of the constant comparison. We would probably want that person who we are being compared with to show our parents their flaws too.

    We want to tell our parents nobody is perfect, especially the person they think.

    My verdict of this situation is, what if our elders are really not that smart? What if the lens they think they are wearing to assess our life is outdated, broken and damaged? Why should I think my parents or elders know everything better than me? What if they are really wrong in some of the cases?

    It doesn’t mean they are not worth my respect, it means I shouldn’t take their judgements seriously and reiterate it to them now and then, that what they are doing is not helping but damaging their child’s peace.

    All in all

    Maybe jealousy isn’t the villain we paint it to be. It is a mirror. Sometimes harsh, sometimes painfully honest. It is showing us where our longings hide. For children, it can be a chance to learn fairness, gratitude, and patience.

    For us, it can be a reminder to turn inward rather than outward, to ask what is missing in our own lives that we keep measuring against others. If we are jealous of someone traveling a lot, then proabably we should also try to book our tickets too now and then.

    If we can hold jealousy gently instead of fearing or denying it, it stops being a shadow and starts becoming a guide, on our journey of self awareness.

  • Roots Before Wings – Pillars of Parenting

    Kids don’t become healthy adults naturally. Kids raised in a healthy way even by unhealthy parents become healthy adults. Healthy parents without proper guidance will raise unhealthy kids. More than intention, strategy to raise a child in a healthy age appropriate manner matters more.

    Some pointers on how to raise young kids (based on personal experience, discussions with fellow parents and reading)

    1. Kids are as obsessed with their parents as adults are with their crushes. A kid’s life revolves around parents 100%. They want to love them yet be angry at them, with the belief that they will never be abandoned, even for a second.
    2. Their relationship with parents is like a boomerang. No matter how far they go, how many people they mingle with, they come back to their parents, physically and emotionally.
    3. Parents are not only guardians but calibrators, co-regulators, neutralizers of negative things/emotions, punching bags, a cushion, a compass, and the people kids mirror the most. Literally, everything in life they learn and then sometimes unlearn on the basis of how their parents brought them up.
    4. Parents have to understand, their calm is their kid’s calm. Kids don’t understand love, peace, and calmness by default. They learn it through their parents. They also learn how to express their emotions, dark and peaceful both, through them.
    5. Kids learn to work with emotions through their parents. Kids have all emotions just like adults, minus the logic. The way you deal with your difficult emotions, is how they would learn to deal with theirs.
    6. Kids mirror the social dynamics parents follow. Also their body language, grooming level, their routine, their understanding of the social world, financial habits, everything. Including kindness and cruelty.
    7. Kids don’t understand action and reaction. They only understand attention and mirroring.
    8. They will repeat any behaviour if it gets them attention, positive or negative.
    9. Kids subconsciously mirror whatever parents do. So no matter what they say, they actually copy their whole behavior. Empty words don’t work on kids. If you don’t like something in your child’s behavior, it is most likely from the parents, or the people they usually hang out with.
    10. There are three times in a day when (young) kids crave parental bonding.
      First, when they wake up.
      Second, when they come back from school or after spending a few hours away from their parents.
      Third, before sleeping.
      On all these occasions, kids want their parents, at least one of them. Especially a calm and loving parent who gives them tons of attention. This is the time they crave love and want the parent to baby them, cuddle them, and show them how much they are loved and treasured. They share their stories and inner world during these times. This is the time to fill their cup.
    11. Kids love routine. They love predictability. Doing similar things every day at a similar time keeps them calm. Any change in this including location overstimulates and disturbs them, hence they throw tantrums.
    12. Kids don’t understand logic; they understand emotions.
    13. Kids are always reading their parents’ actions and body language. They observe how they talk about the world and themselves and how they treat others and themselves too. That is the script they are going to follow for themselves and in their relationships. So, if you think your child is grumpy, observe whether you yourself are grumpy or not.
    14. Kids don’t like over attention. All kids are shy by nature, meaning they don’t like unwanted attention. They choose whose attention they like and mostly they are caregivers, family and friends. Exposing them to camera for the public, forcing them to perform in front of others, exposing their personal lives in front of others and putting them on a stage without understanding their hesitation can damage their self esteem and push them either to become a rebel or an extreme attention seeker or in perennial need of validation. Kids don’t enjoy being on the stage before a certain age. They like doing things at their own pace.
    15. Do not teach your child they need to be famous and powerful to be happy. They don’t have to do anything to look cool. They should always learn to be their authentic selves.
    16. Please don’t raise obedient children. Raise children who can ask you questions and can give you their consent. Don’t raise a pushover nor a bully. Hence, don’t force them to do anything nor bully them.
    17. Everything that adults do in their life, from the basic stuff like greeting people, waiting, table manners, hygiene, kindness everything is a skill to be learnt by the child. Most of the learning they do by observing. That is why Mowgli couldn’t have accommodated in normal civil society because he was raised under jungle that also wolf rules. So, expecting a child to know these automatically and before a certain age is a wrong expectation.
    18. Teaching any skill to a child is like healing a fractured bone. It would heal in any way, rejoining at any angle, if not set by a plaster, hurting one for life long. But with proper intervention, it becomes as good as new. So any skill in any realm of life, needs to be taught by adults at their kid’ pace, not theirs. Without adequate guidance, a child won’t be able to learn any skill properly and will struggle later as an adult, thinking this is how he is naturally.
    19. Rushing/pressurising/leaving them alone to learn are inappropriate ways to teach any skill. This only increases anxiety, procrastination, perfectionist complex, risk aversion in kids. Kids are not animals, the only thing kids know by default are the basic human-animal needs like hunger, sleep etc. But without guidance they wouldn’t learn how to fulfill them either. If you don’t teach them, they will eat anything to fill their tummy. They need to be helped with what healthy food looks like, understanding hunger and sleep routine etc.
    20. Healthier and safer the kids feel around parents, naughtier and goofier they would be around them.
    21. The more proper and adult-like kids behave, the more their natural feelings are suppressed.
    22. It doesn’t mean kids shouldn’t be nudged when they do something inappropriate. Teaching should come from a place of maturity and calmness, not embarrassment, competition, validation and ego.
    23. A tantrum is a call for attention, not a time to teach/preach.
    24. A good kid or a bad kid, any extreme reeks of a problem with child psychology. Young kids are supposed to be naughty, pushing boundaries, experimenting with their physical limits, and trying to control situations like adults. That is normal during growing up. As a parent to assume, a young child would automatically become a nice person who does everything you ask them to do, which means the child might become a people pleaser, they are repressing their feelings to appease you. Our job is to guide them and provide them healthy boundaries among which they can exercise their autonomy. Kids expect boundaries from us, they want to see how far they are allowed to push in this world.
    25. Kids are always trying to understand their place in the world.
    26. A bad kid per say is a call for attention. Parents couldn’t create a healthy attention dynamic, hence, the child believed through reckless behavior they will get attention from their parents. It is not the kid’s fault, but the caregivers who did not notice them or nourish them in the right way.
    27. Parents need to show their kids they always love them but won’t agree to their wishes all the time. Life is unfair, not at home, but it is. Patience and perseverance are very important skills.
    28. Kids shouldn’t be praised for their physical beauty, nor should anyone be in front of them. Not in the sense that they feel inadequate about themselves, or judge others in the same way. They shouldn’t be made to feel their body is lacking in any way, be it size or color. Teach them, world shouldn’t revolve around physical features but it is our actions and behavior that matter more.
    29. Every one on this earth is born beautiful. It’s not up for debate. If you think we need to be a certain way to be considered beautiful and to get love, acceptance and praise, then first we need to work on our self esteem, conditioning and projection issues. Please lie to your child that you think they are very beautiful, you like them exactly as they are and so is the case with every kid, and work on your mindset meanwhile. Grooming doesn’t define how beautiful one is.
    30. Teach them, it is not necessary that one will like them or praise them, and that’s okay. If you feel uncomfortable with something done by someone, either ask or just do something else. Don’t make it about yourself, it never is. Your kid is the best person to be with always, and it’s a loss of someone else if someone doesn’t want to include them in any activity. Teach them not to dwell on the events where others make us feel bad. We will find more people in this big world who treat us better. It’s important to validate their sadness during such events and teach them to sit with difficult feelings too, rather than escaping them.
    31. Encourage them not to do mind reading of others, especially people who are not close to them. If someone wants to tell them something, they should tell them. So, never give them silent treatment, with the hope they would figure it out. They can sense the tension, but not the reason. It creates pressure on their fragile nervous system. This behavior of trying to learn to sense emotions of others, will make them people pleaser and snubbing their emotions to appease others.
    32. Do not put caretaking adult responsibilities on them. They do it out of fun, and to feel good about themselves is another thing, but don’t make it their responsibility. There is an age to treat them like adults, teach it to them then.
    33. Praise them to be kind and thoughtful, instead of wise and pretty.
    34. Parents shouldn’t hit or yell. Remember- louder the kid, the calmer the parent should be.
    35. When in doubt, hug. Work on a special handshake, for just you and your kid.
    36. Tell your kid they are your favourite person, you miss them, and you love spending time with them.
    37. Have at least one dedicated hour with them. Do any activity just with them. It fills their cup. Make it a routine.
    38. Do not snub a child when they are pushing their physical limits like jumping or climbing. Instead encourage them to be safe by rechecking their strategy, be there with them to protect but don’t stop them unless it’s too risky. This will build their confidence. Let them do house chores. Be there to guide, over protection will only make them wary of even trying. This is not about chores but teaching them to trust their instincts, developing their curiosity bone, building confidence and risk appetite.
    39. Kids who are helicopter parented, overprotected in daily life, asked not to jump or do risky physical moves, grow up to be timid typically. The more decisions you make for them, the more dependent they become on you. There’s a fine balance between being a parent and a guide that you have to maintain.
    40. If you have more than one kid, treat them equally, express your love similarly, no matter their age.
    41. Always keep your promises.
    42. Thank them and apologise to them, always.
    43. Praise them regularly, for their actions and efforts specially, directly and among your family.
    44. Show them you respect them.
    45. Never tell them you’ll leave them or push them out of the house or into a room alone when they are upset. This brings distance and makes them fearful of abandonment.
    46. When they are throwing a tantrum, just sit there with no reaction. Try to soothe them, hug them, show them deep breathing, and share healthy ways to express anger. Validate their feelings but don’t give into their wishes just because of a tantrum. Work on how to calm yourself down, during such episodes. When you both are calm at a later time, talk about healthy ways to vent out anger and follow them too.
    47. Never tell them to not be angry or sad, don’t offer an ice cream or screen instead of letting them sit with difficult emotions. Be with them to show, it happens and you are with them in this. Validate their confusion, but not inappropriate behavior.
    48. All feelings are valid in your house but not all behaviors.
    49. Don’t get into an ego tussle with them. A kid’s ego is just a feeling of learning to be independent, a feeling that they have more control over their life. It is not to hurt you or insult you, so don’t take it personally. They don’t think of themselves as kids when it comes to making decisions, but when it comes to emotions, they want to be babied all the time. For example, when they hit you, they will cry first. That’s the amount of shame they have for hurting you, at the same time they are frustrated with their own big emotions, learning what to do with them.
    50. To help make kids better decisions, use strategies on the basis of child psychology, not emotional manipulation or fear. There is so much information, you just have to be interested to learn.
    51. Don’t be a lazy/indifferent/laid-back parent when it comes to a child’s emotions. Be understanding of their age appropriate behaviour. Nobody else can guide them better than you. They are waiting to learn.
    52. Punishment doesn’t teach them anything.
    53. Don’t shame your kids. Don’t make fun of them, be it when you are alone with them and especially in front of anyone. Don’t teach them stuff through passive aggressive methods or silent treatment. Don’t pass sarcastic remarks. Don’t talk to your kid as if they are adults. Be clear yet soft.
    54. Kids don’t understand sharing, tit for tat , revenge naturally. Nor they would learn kindness and being helpful.They need to be taught things through behavior and dialogue. Don’t teach them we should avoid difficult feelings and emotions, and manipulative behaviors to gain attention.Whatever person you want them to become, be that!
    55. If you want them to teach not to hit you, don’t hit them back. They won’t see that you were telling them it hurts, they will learn 1st, they have hurt their parents which is unbearable for them. They can’t handle that guilt. 2nd, they learn their parents and their loved ones can hurt them. 3rd, violence is okay in a loving relationship.
      It will become a negative trip where slowly they will become immune to punishments. Every learning has to come along with love and attention.
    56. Kids love healthy and happy parents. They feel super secure when their parents are in love and solving life together. If you want to raise a healthy and happy child, work on your relationship with your partner first.
    57. Even a single parent is enough, it’s just keeping the house calm and full of happiness. Don’t sulk, don’t share adult problems with your young kid, don’t make it their job to keep you happy. It is always the other way round. Yes you don’t have to be fake but yes you have to assure your child constantly and things are good and they are safe no matter what. There’s a reason in all the apocalypse movie, the parent is always assuring the child that they are safe no matter what, because they believe whatever their parents tell them.
    58. Don’t badmouth constant adults in your child, like fellow parents, grandparents, uncle and aunts, teachers, siblings, cousins. A kid’s self worth is associated with how adults in their life are perceived. If they feel ashamed of them, they will carry shame for themselves. It is important how you talk to people and how you handle issues in your family.
    59. If you have a person in your family, who could be toxic for your child, it is your job to protect them. Don’t leave it on your kid if they choose to talk to them or not. You draw the boundary, kids are too fragile to make this distinction. Kids are not diplomatic, they just want love and attention from everyone they like.
    60. Kids can’t handle stress in the family. They can’t process those emotions. And because of this confusion, their natural growth processes would be disrupted. Physically, they may be growing but internally they are struggling. Even problems like sleep issues, bed wetting, constipating, over eating or undereating, would have stress as underlying reasons.
    61. Kids are very forgiving. Everyday they give you a chance to make it right. So instead of feeling guilty, show up, tell them you are sorry and start again.

    Ultimately:

    It is always worth working on your relationship with your child, even when they grow old. This includes working on yourself too.

    Kids, no matter the age, just want to be seen and heard by their parents. It is not impossible as long as you put your ego aside.
    Kids even have a tendency to justify your mistakes on your behalf, that’s how much their self worth is entwined with their parents.

    Kids who feel shame from their parents, don’t feel properly emotionally supported by their parents make very rough choices growing up. They might have low self worth and self sabotaging tendencies.

    Parents hold a space in their child’s heart, which either becomes a wound, void or where they take their all positive energy from in the dark phases of life. Parents literally are the Sun in a child’s life. Without their proper love and support, it’s all darkness from them.

    No other person can fill that place. The replacement can’t form the roots that parents had, everything else is a band-aid.

    A Reminder:

    This message is not for the kids, this is not a reminder for them to call their parents, but only the blaring truth that parents can’t ignore.

    Please love your child like they deserve, not on your terms, without any ifs and buts.

    You authentically take 1 step, they will take 10. They are waiting for that unconditional support, love and acceptance from you. Even when they have healed from this wound, they still really appreciate it, if they could get validation from you.

    It’s worth all the effort to see the love that your children have for you, without any disappointments in their eyes. As a parent, I wish everyone could truly enjoy the bliss children bring to our world.

    We are never the same after looking into those tiny eyes for the first time.

    Every hug, every moment of calm, every apology plants seeds that last a lifetime. Love them in a way they can feel, every day.

    To read more on how parenting affects adult behaviour, click below:

    Who Are You Without their Approval?

  • Be the Ancestor Your Children Will Thank

    As an adult with a family, if your version of devotion of parents is to follow their life to the T, not changing your lifestyle or locations, mimicking their (unhealthy) life, routine, financial and social choices etc. and expecting your family to do so too, then this stream of thought is for you.

    Ask yourself would you still eat raw meat, just because your ancestors ate in their times, which they did, (they had no knowledge and option).

    I don’t think so!

    That’s because you are already exposed to cooked food (with fancy spices and all), raw veggies and fruits (you need your fibres babe!) and just more hygienic food. We still can’t win against all the pathogens you see!

    You would not eat raw meat for one main reason it could be unhygienic, with disease carrying germs. And, though I am a vegetarian, I assume it would be difficult to chew in the first place. 

    The exposure to better food, cooked food came from knowledge, the growth of civilization. While we respect the difficult old times, we would prefer moving with the times and continue to make better and learned choices. We are already teaming up against processed foods and sugar!

    Now, if at all your love for your parents and ancestry suggests you to follow them without considering the consequences of it on yourself and your family, whether it hampers your child growth, safety and future opportunities, then you my friend are a blind follower!

    You were raised through manipulation and by selfish, insecure parents who can’t think beyond their own needs, unintentionally.

    One would think if everyone else, a plethora of people are making it in the older ways then we can too!

    First describe ‘making it’! If you are unable to chatgpt it!

    Also, this just shows how devoid of critical thinking we are. Not everyone has the choice, but if everybody had an option, then you know the answer.

    As a fan of Interstellar, one thing always stayed with me. Cooper (played by my favorite Matthew McConaughey) promised his daughter Murphy (played by Jessica Chastain), not his father, Donald, that he would come back. And, it was the daughter who trusted his father that he would keep his promise, such is the amount of trust children expect/have on their parents. Cooper became the ‘parent/father’ we all need and worship.

    Now, inarguably the first rule of parenting is what is best for my children, because you brought them into this world. Period. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe the nuances of psychology but God of every religion is exactly doing that for us, His children, the best in every way possible. You can’t fight this fact in any realm, Earth or spiritual.

    There is no other relationship which requires your accountability as this one does. Everything else is a seasoning in the pizza of life. 

    Our great grandparents probably used the same method on our parents. To bind in mental chains, something that one can’t break easily without feeling guilty, despite knowing they are right. That’s how blind cults are made, that’s what an insecure leader would do, emotional blackmailing.

    To keep the flock together, you bring a dog of manipulation and guilt, the fear of abandonment and failure, and even a rational thinker strong sheep would be afraid to leave.

    There is nothing more selfless than raising a child. Making changes in your life for your children is an act of bravery and hope. It sends a message to the society that we matter. These children are the future adults, they will learn it is always human first, material second.

    No amount of wealth can equate the bliss of your people, healthy and thriving.

    Any ounce of people pleasing is detrimental to a child’s growth. Not only as a parent you would make wrong decisions but also your children will also learn it from you.

    They will learn that appeasement is more important than logic, that the past is more important than the future. That, the facade of happiness matters more than real happiness, that we as humans matter less and theatrics matter more.

    Any logical reasoning in this context, for the present and future (children, partner) and the past (parents), will nudge towards making difficult decisions.

    For example, imagine you left your village where your parents and their parents grew up, for better job opportunities. And today, whenever you visit the village, you compare lives at both places naturally. The village hasn’t changed much and still doesn’t promise an overall good life, except a feeling of hometown and nostalgia.

    In the context of the future, it is highly likely you would prefer a bigger city with the hope of better infrastructure, education possibility, healthcare and your own job. 

    This is not against the village! This understanding, if things are not attuned to your present and future needs, if you can’t cater to your loved ones’ needs, it is better to move on from anything non-living. 

    Yes, you can still love your hometown, but you answer your posterity now, not your ancestry (it will be weird if you can).

    You are the ancestor your kids would talk about. The ancestors who made grand changes are always revered more, if that gives you a high. 

    And, even if there is no one praising you and if your family’s health and happiness is ensured, take those decisions, whatever that means. 

    Family means everyone, parents, partner, and children, whoever is dependent on your decisions.

    If their happiness requires moving to the moon or mountains, to the beach or the desert, Move!

    It is entirely up to your family, but in no way a flimsy excuse of love of a place is enough, it has to work out in all scenarios.

    No love is big enough to help you just survive your things.

    Human potential reaches its zenith when it is thriving not surviving. 

    The choice Oh learned (Wo)Man is yours!

  • Love with its sweet fangs

    What made me wonder?

    I watched a movie with Daniel Day Lewis, ‘Phantom thread’. The phrase in itself means, one keeps sewing even when the actual thread has finished, with phantom thread. The machine keeps running on an invisible thread. Hence the story possibly reflects ghosts of past relationships and traumas and how they are affecting the protagonist’s Reynolds Woodcock (played by Daniel D Lewis) present life.

    The movie talked about how his interest in his partner/muse only remained till that partner could care for him on his sick days. Needless to say he had one too many muses and relationships. Anyway, he despised becoming vulnerable, was a workaholic and would let his partner go when he felt his life and routine were getting disrupted.

    But this particular partner (Alma, played by Vicky Krieps) somehow showed him that it’s the vulnerability he has to stop avoiding if he wants the full bliss of love. He did like being in love and his understanding of being vulnerable in love paved the way for a stable relationship. At least this is what I understood from the movie.

    (Mild spoiler alert) Some say he was poisoned in the end willingly, by his partner, because he felt it was better for him to die than bearing such vulnerability to be in love. He could have inflicted control on his partner, yet he chose surrender to his fear and died.

    Whether literal or symbolic, it showed the lengths some go to avoid vulnerability, even if it costs them love. Anyway, watch it yourself if you want to explore it more.

    Wound is where the light enters, as they said!

    To some people this awareness of vulnerability that was discussed in the movie Phantom thread, is the basis of any loving relationship. But the dependence that comes with it, some people truly want to avoid.

    They have never found trust in their life or have been hurt so much, their vulnerable bones have deteriorated. Hence, they leave when they become too dependent on the other person, with the fear that they might be disappointed.

    This is probably why Reynolds Woodcock (played by Daniel Day Lewis, in Phantom thread, the lead character) preferred unstable relationships and eventually death in the end, over trusting someone.

    He probably had an avoidant attachment style, along with other emotional wounds from his childhood.

    Some facts to munch on:

    For context, the attachment theory states:

    Anxious lovers often seek purpose through saving/protection. The purpose keeps them relevant in the relationship.

    They in turn seek closeness and constant reassurance, want to fix others, and fear abandonment. They may prioritize the relationship over their own needs just to keep it intact.

    Avoidants often withhold care and emotional availability to avoid needing. They want their space and avoid becoming dependent on someone.

    The savior role (we would be talking about it in a bit) becomes a safe way to be close because it keeps the avoidant person in control. They’re always the giver, never the receiver. Vulnerability stays one-sided. They tend to pull away when things get too close. (Our dear Woodcock probably preferred dying over being in a relationship, so deep was his wound.)

    So what is love, can I dissect the hell out of it?

    The ability to be vulnerable in front of the person you love is not the only cornerstone of love, but there is something more interesting, protection.

    Love in its most innocent form, needs someone powerful. A savior, like a child’s love for the parent.

    And in the evolved form or maybe the ultimate form it may be the parent’s love for a child, or love for an animal or someone who is unable to protect itself. Because it reminds them of God. At least that’s what my understanding of love is, as of now.

    You love a child (or a pet or a plant or any being) because you want to. Because their being/presence enables you, nourishes you and soothes you. You will move mountains to nurture them.
    Isn’t it probably the form of love God has for us?

    Understanding the OG God and love

    What if God, after all His omnipotence, longs for a love free from His powers, a love He didn’t have to earn?

    If love is about reciprocation, what if God is craving for a love like a child where He would be loved beyond His power, just for His being.

    Is God waiting for someone to cradle him, since he’s tired of taking care of us all alone?

    But what if it is a saviour complex I’m talking about? Is it my need to feel powerful?

    Is it otherwise possible that I develop a kind of love where God and I mutually care for each other and protect each other?

    Would I hurt God’s ego by asking Him to let me protect Him?

    Is it possible God neither wants to be worshipped or cradled but canoodled like equals?

    This is all on the basis of the assumption that God is as much part of our emotional realm as other beings. It is we who are treating Him as an outsider, over and above it, but what it’s not something He wants.

    Also a note, I use ‘He’ for God because I assume Him as someone who identifies as a man. You can imagine whichever pronoun for Him. I’m pretty sure God is a pretty chill and fluid being.

    Coming back to the Earthly realm of mortal men and women

    This also makes me wonder, why men-women relationships are so much about protector savior dynamics. Evolutionary, it was the need. The male was protecting the female, the provider and protector of the mother of his children. Perhaps that’s the origin of masculine protector energy, rooted in evolution, not essence.

    But today, do we still need that dynamic? Haven’t the definition of protection and saving changed?

    And if we are talking about loving God too, do we need that protectionist savior complex from Him? Or is that how I should check the love God has for me, whether He is protecting me?

    Yes, the reality is that the world is full of harshness that we need protection from. The person who loves us should do everything to protect us, but is there a possibility of a relationship where nobody needs saving. A relationship where they don’t define their partner as someone who has saved them or protected them.

    Now, we don’t confuse support/help/assistance with saving/protection here. In a relationship, typically out of love you like to support each other in whatever way you can.

    But saving/protection can easily be pushed into the realm of a favor, something to be grateful for. And that is not a healthy dynamic where one partner is constantly grateful to the other, as if they are needy and disadvantaged. Because that’s like charity, not love.

    What if I don’t like the hero, but the scaredy clumsy side character?

    If we do agree on love of equals, can we let damsels in distress be in distress? Help them in another way, other than being in love with them because they need rescuing.

    Why should you rescue her from her distress then go on to fall in love with her? Or the only reason you rescued her is because you love her ? Does vulnerability attract you?

    Is it some kind of trauma-bonding (google it to understand more) or love or savior complex?

    Do I love people because I see their pain, or because they allow me to be the healer?

    Although I can’t take away the fact that I want to elucidate all the pain the person I love has, because I can’t see them in pain.

    But does it also mean, I’ll only want to be with the person who has some pain I need to help them with, so that I am relevant in their life?

    Thanks but no thanks!

    It makes me wonder, is gratefulness the only way love in an amorous relationship could last?
    What if love didn’t need to be earned or repaid, what if love could just be?
    Is pain and protection the cornerstone of attraction? What about peace as the cornerstone? What about respect? Playfulness?

    Is it healthy and real to have pain and protection as the center of a love relationship? Isn’t that more like a parent-child dynamic, in a purely adult relationship?

    Why when you are having second thoughts about a person, society comes up with excuses like who else will love you in your situation, like love is not love but a favor. We should be thankful for the protector to save us and then call charity as love.

    At least if we call it what it is, then we can attune our behavior accordingly. We would know it’s not a relationship of equals who want to be with each other, but more like a charity case, master and his rescued slave.

    Also, what if the person you love is incapable of protecting anyone, even themselves, should that person not be allowed to be in love?

    Why even a slight difference in any characteristic of the person, makes them a not so ideal choice to be loved?
    People who fall in love with people (who are different from ‘normal’ in any way, their background, physical and financial characteristics, social standing), are glorified for being big hearted.
    But what if these human-gods were actually not that cool, and formed this relationship just because they could be glorified and worshipped.

    Another god complex in making.

    But doesn’t that also mean God shouldn’t love us, because we are in front of Him as frail and weak as an infant, living at the mercy of others?

    Does even god not love me just for my being?

    Marry me because I want our love ruined!

    Amorous love when it is turned into marriage is often compared to how capable both the people are, calling them power couple and what not. When we know nobody likes being pitied, marriage is one where one of the qualities acquired to have a long relationship is pity, not compassion but pity, to be accepted by the one who is not so perfect. At least that is being taught to us again and again.

    But does love really need a set of characteristics, a perfect image, a kite with a flying thread? Why do we want to define marriage with who is dependent and who is the protector? Typically the Male is a financial provider and Female everything else. That’s the image society wants to sell at least.

    Girls are typically brought up with this mindset, that a boy, the person who would love and marry would be rescuing her from whatever she is struggling with in her life.
    That she is incapable of saving herself, or shouldn’t rely on her friends or support, but a white knight with shining armour/ a tall dark handsome/ a man who has taken therapy.

    We usually marry our mirror images or polar opposites. It is not like dressing up complimentary where the top has to match the bottom but more like a puzzle, which just fits.
    Because if they are complete on their own, do they really need each other?
    Or is it another form of love where you still are with each other even when you don’t need each other but I wonder how passionate that love can be.

    The fact of the matter is that we will get disappointed in love. That’s how it is. Because if we dig deep into it, disappointment is up to our understanding of love, there is no right or wrong in it. It is what we expected in our relationship.

    Love didn’t disappoint us, our fantasy did.

    No JLo, love does cost a lot of things, including my peace!

    Let’s take a step back. The reason love will have disappointments is because all love is not the same. The expectation of what love would make someone feel, what love will give you to make you feel happy is different for everyone, only they don’t realize it. Even if they do, society is quick to push its definition on everyone.

    We believe love has one definition and probably that’s why we have one common set of expectations but as people we are not one set of people, hence the disappointment. This is why we hear people say they are doing as expected from them in love yet their partner is not happy. Or, my partner is a really nice person, does everything to make me feel loved yet I am not happy and don’t feel loved.

    Love or the happiness associated with it is highly guided by our unmet needs and conditioning (bringing up, childhood, social norms etc). We believe by looking at someone or adopting someone else’s definition of love that this is what will make us happy and loved but we are wrong.
    When we actually get into a relationship, the initial fervour goes away, and what is left is a barrage of unmet needs and expectations. Now if your partner doesn’t know about them they are set to disappoint you again and again. The exam is rigged.

    Even more so, if they do understand, they might have their own resentment that this is not their expectations of love and hence they are unwilling or unable to cater to your needs.

    Also, this needs to be said, people have different unmet needs, some more, some less, some may have none who knows! The relationship would look entirely different for each couple (or throuple, because chaos of two is not enough).

    Does this mean two people with complimentary unmet needs or with no unmet needs at all would have a better relationship, probably. I am not sure. But it seems the more I’m aligned to my own needs and my partner’s, chances are I’ll be able to make them happier.

    Does this mean broken people shouldn’t fall in love? Or is love only for fixed people? Not necessarily. It means the first step is to become aware of what you are and what you are looking for in love and then take it from there.

    Unless you know what you want, how can you expect your partner to know beforehand?

    Once you have realized your non-negotiables or in general what you expect from your partner, you have to communicate them to your partner, no matter how bizarre they are.

    You have no idea what people who love you can do for your bizarre needs. That’s what love is about. Keeping up with your nonsense!

    Because to keep erring is human!

    Coming to disappointments in love, is it okay to leave your love, because they will disappoint you? Is love only about the good times?

    Love is about being with someone, with everything and without too. So those who are scared of pain, are actually disillusioned. They should be told, it’s okay to be in pain, because it’s normal. They can’t avoid it. And if they are avoiding pain, then they are avoiding happiness too.

    The key take away from the ‘Phantom thread’ movie was, you don’t change your partner if there was no sickness. Your partner is not like an insurance policy. You keep buying one with the hope you never need one. Yet you don’t want to keep buying one because you have not been able to use it (fortunately).

    In reality, people have left their partners when they get sick, with the hope of finding better pastures or just running away from the responsibility. So much for being with each other for better or worse.

    We want people (in a relationship like marriage) to stay by our side for a very long time. But for that long time to happen, apparently we need a requirement to stick around, a purpose to keep pulling this relationship forward.

    But do we really want a requirement? Are we sure if there is no requirement people would not stay?

    This idea of people sticking around for a long time is for those relationships where people like being with each other, but not like stale relationships blaring of emotional death.

    Finally, I’m tired!

    Anyway, this exploration of love in all realms is a never ending research. It does bring me closer to God and his beings. This research does make me feel I can have it all, except my ‘all’ is not well defined yet.

    Love will always remain the most talked about, yet most misunderstood, misinterpreted yet most coveted and most thought about feelings. The more I think about it, the more it becomes difficult to understand.

    It’s not for one person or one generation which can figure out its answer, but will take many ages to.

    I will do my bit, till I feel I truly mean when I say ‘I love you’!

    I’ll keep figuring out till I find a concrete answer, if there’s one!

  • Built for More Than Survival

    There’s an entire generation walking around confused, burned out, emotionally stunted or overburdened. It is not because they failed, but because they were never taught how to live. Millennials and their parents inherited silent rules, unspoken traumas, and outdated ideologies disguised as wisdom. Somewhere between survival and image, we forgot how to be human.

    This list is not a bashing critique on any generation. It is implying why we picked some toxic patterns and they need to be dropped right now. It is a reminder message to all of us in that age group, that we are hurting others and ourselves by not accepting the truth about ourselves. We can change, whenever we want.

    It is our life. And we can remember only one before dying. 

    Even stationary trees shed their leaves and grow new ones, then we are humans, we can change only if we believe life is better when we keep evolving and growing with it.

    The skills that should have been taught to millennials and parents of millennials, but were missed for various reasons

    1. Having difficult conversation / not to escape emotional conversations
    2. Taking care of physical health
    3. Understanding what is mental health and taking care of it
    4. If your loved ones are complaning about your behavior, acknowledge it and do something about it
    5. Honest conversations / being vulnerable when it matters
    6. Ability to accept criticism
    7. A sense of humor/ ability to laugh at oneself
    8. Self awareness
    9. How to take care of others without burning oneself out
    10. How  to say thank you / to show gratitude / to recognize and appreciate someone’s help even if they love us, not taking kindness for granted
    11. Saying sorry, even to an infant, animal or a plant
    12. How to be selfless without looking for recognition or return
    13. How to take care of others / do things with no benefit for oneself
    14. House chores
    15. Knowing basic skills of life/ Just because you earn well, doesn’t mean you should get away with not learning basic skills in life like cooking, cleaning, maintaining a house, taking care of others, doing basic financial work, traveling/driving/riding for work alone
    16. Not being a burden of a person on others
    17. How not to torture themselves and their children in the name of parenting
    18. Spirituality and healthy detachment
    19. Critical thinking / challenging problematic rituals and practices
    20. Enjoying life with its imperfections, not chasing the perfection
    21. Money over everything else
    22. Thriving versus surviving
    23. How not to deny honest feedback in relationships and in public life
    24. Not depending their self worth on people’s opinions, rather than on oneself / high self esteem
    25. Not taking major decisions in life like career, marriage to get approval of others
    26. Not caring about third parties more than direct family members
    27. Show off/snobbery versus real happiness
    28. Not just Worrying about future, but  also caring about  present
    29. Not regretting the past always
    30. Not living in yesterday and someone else’s life, thinking how life could be better if they had something else / always looking at someone else’s garden and comparing their life
    31. How to live without constant whining
    32. Problem solving versus problem seeking
    33. Not interested in others’ life, gossiping
    34. Not talking to people just for entertainment but developing real connections
    35. Not treating God like their servant, whose job is to appease them, and believing if He doesn’t then He doesn’t exist
    36. Not using people for purpose, not enjoying people as a company
    37. Giving high importance to friendship and community
    38. Worrying about our own contribution and not always thinking about what others are contributing
    39. Be the bigger guy, and not always wondering why they should be the only one nice
    40. Not worrying about quid pro quo and making every relationship and interaction transactional, keep passing the good deeds on
    41. Having an individual personality / not having herd mentality
    42. Inculcating a lifelong hobby, for your own happiness
    43. Having a life of your own, especially meant for old age
    44. Understanding the importance, power and responsibility of humans and having a sense of self
    45. Not putting dogmatism / pseudo-traditionalism over everything else
    46. Never avoid responsibility / never think about bending the rules even if there’s no one watching / never run away from accountability
    47. Do not imitate wrongdoings, corrupt activities with explanation that everyone is doing
    48. Do not use God as an excuse to bully others 
    49. Empathy!!!
    50. Accepting  your weaknesses, accepting feeling tired and will to rest is not a sign of failure
    51. Being bold / telling right from wrong with confidence and practicing the tough road
    52. Asking for help, especially when struggling mentally
    53. Asking for help for those who can’t ask for themselves
    54. Pick up fight for the weak
    55. Feel happy for others / do not feel insecure and jealous of others and their achievements
    56. Use money to feel happy too, not just save it for one day
    57. Enjoying / resting / relaxing without feeling guilty
    58. Not competing who works hard more / do not glorify mindless grinding / work hard for your own happiness not to please anyone else
    59. Appreciating public property and always keeping in mind fellow citizens, even if no one is watching and there is no penalty
    60. Respect for disabled and differently abled, working towards an inclusive society, understanding issues they face and how to solve them
    61. Thinking about how all strata of society, including animals and plants can be helped through our work
    62. Treating animals and plants with respect, not to hurt the weak in any form
    63. Selfcare is not selfish, it is important to take care of oneself if one wants to take care of others
    64. Taking education very seriously
    65. Mastering at least one skill which can earn you money, if nothing else works
    66. Learning is a lifelong process
    67. A nuclear family is separate unit, a joint family is still a bunch of individual nuclear units. Respecting each unit is healthy.
    68. Not to use elders especially parents as vending/ATM machines. They don’t owe their adult children anything. Everybody deserves a respectful life. A life of their choice.
    69. Respect should not be bought with money, least of all from your own family.
    70. Importance of ‘me’ time / importance of spatial privacy / break for everyone
    71. Your house should be your most comfortable place, invest in it
    72. You have one body, take care of it, invest on it, guiltfree
    73. Don’t ruin your happiness and relationships for work
    74. Outsourcing work when can’t take it / it’s okay to ask for help / make your money do your work so that you can be more efficient
    75. Understanding the importance of roles that people take up by choice and living it to the fullest
    76. Importance of manual hard work
    77. Taking risks more often, especially in career, saying yes to things which you are really passionate about

    Things parents of millennials taught their kids which probably made sense to them but are not working anymore:

    1. Self serving ideologies 
    2. Obedience
    3. Believing people can’t change
    4. Believing you don’t ask old people to change
    5. People are born as is, and their personality is carved in stone
    6. People willing to think out of the box are detrimental to society and against their practicing religions
    7. God is a cruel master who has favorite people / God is their slave (father) whose job to serve them as per their wish, He can’t deny their wishes
    8. There is no free will
    9. Love means people who love you should abide by you, even if it means tying a noose around their neck.
    10. You can make anyone happy with money.
    11. People who are in your life owe you your happiness, you don’t owe anything to yourself and others, as long you fulfill your duty as per your definition, even if it hurts others
    12. Life means duty
    13. Thinking not knowing basic life skills is cute and it is your spouse’s task to take care of your basic needs like you are a child
    14. Spouse and children are the punching bags sent to you by god
    15. Hypocrite personality- nice outside, bully at home
    16. Using money for charity and helping people, yet not fulfilling needs of family and creating a situation of financial scarcity at home
    17. Always telling family that there is no money yet wasting it in risky things
    18. Image is more important than truth
    19. One should never cry or cry alone, and not solve the problem ever. There is an award for people who suffer in silence.
    20. Never attempt to question or understand your religion on your own. Accept only those teachings that serve your purpose
    21. Treating people willing to help them as dumping ground
    22. Lack of responsibility in their own behaviour 
    23. Victim mentality, always telling how world did them wrong
    24. Materialistic success and power is the only way to feel like you have done big in life
    25. If you haven’t achieved a big position where everyone calls you sir/madam then you have failed.
    26. Respect is not by default but earned
    27. Respect is in order of power and money, background, age, gender
    28. It is okay to insult anyone younger, poorer than you, apologies are never in order
    29. Children have no right to respect. It is okay to hit them anytime, anywhere because you are older than them.
    30. Emotionally blackmailing their family members to do things that serves their ego or good for their image
    31. Guilt tripping their family members for not serving them or pleasing them as per their wish
    32. Unable to see things from another’s point of view if it means changing your own view or accommodating others needs
    33. Under the rug mentality / not talking about important issues to cater to emotional manipulation
    34. Toxic parenting / Not teaching life skills like finances and navigating emotions to children and expecting they can learn this by getting married
    35. Treating adult children as their savior who have to fullfill the role of spouses and parents, dumping on them the weight of unfulfilled desires on those who are not supposed to carry this burden
    36. Putting parental responsibilites on children, like taking care of younger sibling while still young themselves
    37. Treating parents like housekeepers, nannies, asking them to relocate without understanding their requirements and emotional needs
    38. Not working on a solid retirement and care plan especially for parents, when they haven’t been able to plan it for themselves, ignoring them in their old age as burden
    39. Parents making adult children feel guilty for following their dreams and living an indepedent life, in orde to cater to their unfulfilled desires
    40. As an adult, expecting and overrelying on your parents to still take care of your matters like you are still a child
    41. Parents unwilling to relocate when dependent on adult children, especially when there is no other option, behaving emotionally clingy to their hometown because they don’t like changing, creating emotional trauma for their adult children and family
    42. Genderification of parental and familial care roles, which gender is more suitable to take care of parents
    43. Not accepting there is an issue with your behavior when there is clearly one
    44. Treating their children’s spouses as outsiders
    45. Treating their children as adults who should know everything right from infancy and expecting from them ideal adult behavior since childhood
    46. Bullying and shaming children, be it young or adult
    47. Encouraging children to keep with abuse in the name of respect, traditions and image
    48. Using violence to teach children right behavior
    49. Not displaying love to their loved ones
    50. Number of offsprings as the sole indicator of happy marriage
    51. Not accepting different kinds of partnerships / relationships
    52. Pushing people who love them away and later making them feel guilty about it for not being there
    53. Unable to form a healthy community
    54. Putting up with toxic family members, because related by blood
    55. Changing perception of people on the basis of money in their bank
    56. Treating those people miserably who go out of the way to help
    57. Discouraging people for supporting one another
    58. Making children especially siblings or cousins compete with one another and compare their life, marriage, career throughout their life
    59. Obsessing over blood relationships and legacy
    60. Discouraging adoption and gender equality because of purist mentality
    61. Looking at roles, not the people playing them
    62. Accepting substances as healthy coping mechanisms and not seeking help for addictions

    A separate book is required to write about how different genders are treated in India, especially the outlook of millennials and previous generations.

    One would say why I am being so harsh to us?

    But speaking truth is honesty, not harshness.

    And remember honesty is the best policy. Well, in this case it definitely is.

    I extend the grace to ourselves and our elders for doing what was needed, in the toughest of situations.

    We survived. We made it. You had to be there to understand those times.

    We adapted according to the times and these practices and behaviours are result of how we managed to make the best of those sitations. We can appreciate all that.

    But this appreciation and understanding is taking away our chance to grow with the new world. We are unable to reap the benefits of our own efforts.

    The age of survival is gone, it’s the age of thriving.

    The grace we are extending to ourselves is being used as an excuse by our brains to stay as we are. Change is being avoided and conveniently ignored.

    We have mixed change with disrespect, while taking away the rights and opportunities of the new generation.

    We can spend many more decades in trying to mourn with our elders about the tough times they faced but it is taking away the chances of our future generations to become happier.

    And it is always the future generation that deserves more attention, because the previous generation lays the foundation of the future building.

    Who are we without our progeny?

    More is being lost by staying as we are. We owe it to the future to keep changing with times as we see them. This cycle will keep going on.

    We are the babies of evolution, not dropped from sky as is.

    It’s the wheel that moves that can reach the destination, nobody has reached anywhere by staying stuck in a puddle.

    While we contemplate whether to change or not, our families are becoming distant, the people we love are suffering alone, lonlier than ever. We drift them apart, a little further, everyday.

    Because the heart can take only so much pain, from loved ones.

    Hence, sure we cannot change the past, but we can stop passing it on. It’s time we learn the skills we were never taught. And, more importantly,  it’s time we stop glorifying the struggle and start celebrating the courage it takes to feel, connect, rest, and live with truth.

  • Cancerians: The Emotionally Intelligent Achievers

    (Born Between June 21 to July 22)

    Cancerians are perhaps one of the most fascinating zodiac signs. Often misunderstood as overly emotional or sensitive, they’re actually among the most complex and balanced personalities, masters at navigating both personal and professional worlds.

    In relationships, Cancerians can be a dream to be with. Caring, loyal, and deeply invested in the emotional well-being of their loved ones, they go far beyond the stereotype of being “just emotional.” They don’t just say things, they do.

    They’re also incredibly ambitious and hardworking. Many Cancerians are fiercely goal-oriented and take pride in excelling at what they do.

    The problem solvers

    What sets them apart is their deep desire to solve problems not just at work, but emotionally too. Even when they’re feeling stuck, their minds are quietly working on a way out. Before you’d suggest them to seek therapy for their mental health, they would already be done with 2 sessions.

    Ironically, this drive can sometimes lead them to suppress their feelings and throw themselves into work as a distraction. This emotional bypassing can eventually lead to burnout or numbness. So one of the most important lessons for Cancerians is to prioritize emotional healing just as much as their career.

    The overworked Cancerian

    They’re fully capable of balancing work and life, but only when things are going well. Their perfectionist tendencies often push them to put themselves last. They want to be the best at everything, and when things don’t go as planned, it can cause deep internal stress. Still, they rarely show it outwardly.

    Professionally, they maintain a composed and strategic front. They are always trying to hone their skills, and learn new things which makes them a wonderful asset to any organization.

    The social hero

    Their emotional intelligence also makes them loyal friends and nurturing partners. However, this can turn into overprotectiveness. And since they tend to hide their own emotions, they may sometimes come off as distant or cold. But beneath that exterior lies a heart that is always thinking of how to make life better for the people they care about. Their love is quiet, consistent, and powerful, even if it’s not always obvious.

    Cancerians are typically non-confrontational. They dislike loud fights or drama and value peace.

    Naturally diplomatic and wise, they thrive in people-centric careers,marketing, public relations, counseling ,anywhere their empathy and social skills can shine.

    In the head of a Cancerian

    At their core, Cancerians are deep thinkers. They overanalyze, reflect, and constantly seek meaning beyond the surface. Once they’ve checked the boxes of material success, they begin to search for something deeper like purpose, truth, fulfillment. They are always deeper than they seem to be, they may act humble but they have already made an opinion about things you haven’t even started thinking about.

    But this depth can sometimes be misread as arrogance. They hold themselves to high standards and expect the same of others, which might come across as controlling or distant. Despite being humble and helpful, they don’t always open up easily or engage in surface-level connections.

    The one who bounces back

    Because they give so much mentally, emotionally, spiritually, they’re vulnerable to disappointment when others don’t reciprocate. And even though they may not ask for help or show their wounds, they often carry silent emotional burdens.

    Still, Cancerians tend to know how to live well. They value stability, success, and reputation. They work hard to earn, maintain their image, and care for their health. They are gritty by nature.

    They are usually surrounded by many friends, though only a handful get close to their heart. Kind, helpful, and emotionally intuitive, they’re also smart enough to know when they’re being taken advantage of.

    They are natural leaders who are systematic, strategic, and excellent team players. They’re often great at research and analysis, thriving in intellectually stimulating environments. Many also excel in sports or physical health because they know how to care for their body and mind and have an ability to focus and train fiercely when required.

    The charming one

    They usually enjoy being quietly famous, admired by many because of their well rounded persona.

    Because they’re generally good at everything, you’ll find Cancerians succeeding in both athletic and academic fields. That doesn’t mean they never fail or fall sick, it just means they are gritty and determined. They don’t like staying stuck. They always find a way to move forward.

    Friendship and Social circle

    Cancerians are different from other sun signs, in terms of having a particular sense of people they want to be friends with. Cancerians are feelers, and they love talking, sharing their ideas and having conversations of all kinds. Hence, they need people who can keep up with their curiosity and are as diverse and keen as they are. They usually befriend people who are at least on the same IQ level, but definitely not less. They are also more civil and sophisticated than their surroundings and want to act in a way that doesn’t attract unwarranted and negative attention. They inherently always work on looking elegant and behaving more appropriately than where they come from.

    Hence they also tend to avoid people, who are always crying for attention through their behavior. If they love to be seen in public with you, then pat yourself, it’s an obvious reminder that you are better than you think. You have potential.

    The entrapment

    Their natural talent and strong work ethic often lead to success, and fame. But this ease of material accomplishment can become a trap. They may get caught in the success cycle and neglect their emotional needs or loved ones. That’s why it’s essential for them to slow down, enjoy the present, and spend time with people who matter without always thinking about the “next big thing.”

    Although Cancerians are not selfish, their mental priority list can make them appear that way. They’re headstrong and focused, but they still value input from those around them. They’re high on self-preservation and tend to avoid drama. Fun, but not at someone else’s expense. Idealistic, but grounded. They are particular about the principles they follow, and can’t be dissuaded easily.

    They’re also revolutionary in thought, natural thinkers who challenge outdated ideas and strive to improve life for themselves and their families. When it becomes too much, you will find them protesting on the roads. Yet they’re rarely reckless. You won’t usually find Cancerians engaging in risky behavior. They aren’t addicts or gamblers; they take calculated risks and tend to stick to their values.

    Love me or hate me

    In love, they can get possessive and insecure, but they never let those feelings damage the relationship. They’re not messy emotionally, they just love deeply. However, because there’s so much going on internally, sometimes you’ll need to earn their attention or ask for it directly. Passive-aggression or sarcasm won’t work, just be honest. If they sense they’re unwanted, they quietly retreat. They will give their loved one many chances but once they are done with the negativity, it’s over with them. You won’t want to be on the other side of that emotional detachment. It’s not that they’re vengeful, it’s that once they stop caring, they really stop.

    Their care may seem intense at times, but they’re skilled at reading social cues and usually won’t burden others. Even if they’re hurting, they won’t show it unless they feel safe.

    The curious one

    They are natural learners who love to explore the world, through travel, books, or conversations that open new ways of thinking. Their minds are curious, and their hearts are open. They have no attachment to outdated beliefs or habits that don’t serve them; in fact, they’re often the first to drop what’s flawed and move forward.

    Coconut Cancerian

    While they seem incredibly self-sufficient, Cancerians do need a solid emotional support system. Sometimes, it might feel like they lean on others just to recharge before diving back into their driven, professional world, but that’s only because they feel deeply and need emotional fuel to keep going. At their core, they’re sensitive souls masked as go-getters.

    World is their oyster

    They are also highly motivated by how the world perceives them. Whether it’s fashion, food, tech, or the latest trends within their area of interest, Cancerians love staying relevant not to show off, but to feel connected, capable, and part of something meaningful. They don’t chase attention; they chase alignment.

    In the end, Cancerians are quietly powerful. They might not always shout their strengths from rooftops, but if you pay attention, you’ll see them steadily building, deeply feeling, subtly leading, and always evolving. They’re the kind of people who make life richer through their loyalty, ambition, empathy, and silent determination to do right by themselves and those they love.

    And perhaps that’s what makes them so unforgettable.

    The negatives

    An unhealed Cancerian can come off as emotionally selfish and distant. They speak less, often opening up only to those they feel deeply connected to, and when that connection fades, so does their warmth. Rather than express what’s wrong, they shut down, making others feel unseen despite their efforts. Their emotional intelligence may still be present on the surface, but deep down, they’ve already withdrawn. Over time, they may become completely inaccessible.

    Also, because they are particular about knowledge and behaviour in general, if in the long term, one tends to behave inappropriately and if a cancerian has started to feel embarrassed because of you, they might avoid hanging out with you. They are rigid about outward presentation like that and can’t just be casual about it.

    Word of advice:

    Dear Cancerian,

    You already carry so much with grace, grit, and quiet resilience. You’re not “just emotional,” you’re deeply strategic with a radar for what people feel but won’t say. That’s your gift and your weight.

    So here’s your reminder: You don’t have to carry everything. Let some things unfold without micromanaging the outcome. Let love be light sometimes, not a responsibility to fix. And please feel without always needing to find a solution. You don’t need to earn rest. You don’t need to be useful all the time to be worthy of joy.

    Nourish your own inner world, not just others’. You are allowed to be messy, dreamy, and just be, without an agenda. You’re not failing if you slow down. You’re healing.

    Disclaimer

    This post is meant to be a light-hearted and fun exploration of Cancerian traits based on sun sign astrology. It is not intended to hurt, stereotype, or generalize anyone. We are all unique, and astrology is just one lens among many to understand personality. Please take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy it in the spirit it’s written-with curiosity and good humor!

  • Seeing the Driver Within: Self-Awareness as a Way of Life

    This is an essay about something we hear daily, in every motivational video, every honest podcast, even in conversations with friends, partners, or children.

    It’s self-awareness.

    Everyone talks about it, but few truly engage with it. It’s often mistaken for a punishment , considered a burden, a summit to conquer, a painful confrontation with the self.

    People assume self-awareness is anti-ego, a punch to one’s pride.

    How can I have issues? Aren’t I a decent human being? Why should I worry about how my behavior affects others? Am I not troubled by them too?

    We tell ourselves, “We can just move past it. Forget it. Shove it. Drink on it. Sleep on it. Everything but deal with it? Why bother?”

    We’ve built a culture of zero accountability. A myth that our personalities are fixed at birth, that children act out because it’s in their genes, that adults are how they are because God made them that way. So why change? Why even try?

    I believed these things once. But then I learned.

    There’s extensive research on this, human behavior isn’t just a random trait; it’s largely acquired. Yes, acquired, not “owned,” not “innate.”

    Our behaviors are deeply influenced by:

    1. Where and when we were born – the country, the city, the traditions, the safety or danger level of our environment.
    2. Our family structure – how we were raised, whether the home was loving or dysfunctional, healthy or chaotic.
    3. Financial conditions and parental health — how much stress existed in the house, how much care children received.
    4. Education and peer groups — the kind of schooling and societal pressures we were exposed to.
    5. Safety and trauma — including exposure to crime, abuse, or neglect.

    Even in good homes, other subtle forces shape us:

    1. The food we eat, the boundaries set, the moral values passed on.
    2. Whether we were taught to handle emotions or suppress them.
    3. If we had access to safe adults or relied on friends and media for guidance.
    4. If we were encouraged to ask questions or silenced for being difficult.

    And then there are the negatives:

    1. Did we grow up in chaos and develop coping mechanisms just to survive?
    2. Were we expected to raise ourselves – or worse, our parents and siblings?
    3. Were our choices constantly shamed, our emotions dismissed, our voices unheard?
    4. Did we watch our caregivers ignore their health, never take breaks, or suppress their own feelings with addictions?

    Hence, even the tiniest patterns in daily life come from this early conditioning. A child who was never nurtured may grow up not knowing how to care for themselves.

    Whether you take a bath every day or not , yes, even that, might trace back to your upbringing.

    Children who weren’t taught how to deal with emotions may end up looking fine on the outside, but are numbing on the inside. They might throw themselves into books, sports, or art, not out of passion, but as a survival technique.

    Others may go down darker paths like addiction, crime, or dangerous behavior. Some are calling for attention. Others are trying to silence their own minds.

    But all of them need guidance – until at least the age of 25 – to make sense of life.

    As adults, our personalities ,be it good and bad, are shaped by these early scripts.

    They influence our career choices, relationships, addictions, emotional patterns, even how we handle food, rest, or routine.

    So does this mean we’re off the hook? Not at all.

    It means: if someone asks you to look into your behavior, take a pause. Don’t defend or attack. Reflect.

    If you grew up in a home with an unstable food situation, you might now overeat, undereat, cling to certain foods, or feel disconnected from food altogether. That’s not shameful. It’s a story. A root.

    And self-awareness means noticing it, not blaming yourself for it.

    You can still have personal preferences, but if a behavior is hurting you or your relationships, wouldn’t it help to understand why?

    Self-awareness is not an apology letter. It’s not a TED Talk you deliver to everyone around you.

    It’s a personal manual you quietly update. It means you choose knowledge over ignorance, introspection over projection.

    It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else. It just makes you a work-in-progress, like all of us.

    It creates space for kindness, because once you see a trait in someone, you begin to ask: “What story does this belong to?” Instead of judging, maybe we offer a little grace.

    And even if we decide to step back, we don’t carry resentment.

    This isn’t abstract talk. Self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools we have to live an intentional life. In tough times or big decisions, a little backtracking into our behavioral roots can change the game.

    And if we can’t decode it ourselves , that’s why professionals exist.

    But we must understand: self-awareness is an investment. Its effects are subtle, but lifelong.

    It won’t transform you overnight, but it will transform your life.

    And if, as families or communities, we begin to live this way, the ripple effect would be magical. A near-utopia.

    Self-awareness

    Imagine if we truly understand ourselves. We’d know our emotional switches. We’d know what version of us needs to show up, and when.

    We’d respond, not react.

    We wouldn’t be living on autopilot. We’d be manually cruising.

    And how cool is that?

  • May Be We Meet Again: Parallel Lives and the Journey of the Soul

    We live under the illusion of closeness, but perhaps no two souls ever truly meet. We orbit, we intertwine, we collide in emotion, in time, in memory, yet remain untouched at the core.

    Like parallel lines, we move close enough to feel fused, yet never lose our separateness.

    Love, friendship, marriage and even ‘bhakti’/devotion to god ,they promise union. But is union ever real, or is it a longing? 

    A dream of dissolving into someone else, only to return to ourselves more aware of the space that separates?

    In the dance of destiny, maybe it’s not about merging but witnessing, walking beside, never within. The ache we feel isn’t always from disconnection, but from the illusion that connection must erase the self.

    The geometry of relationships

    As children, we seek fusion. We want to be held so closely that there is no boundary between us and the world.

    But adulthood demands a quiet reckoning: that no matter how deeply we love, how long we stay, or how fiercely we feel, we remain distinctly ourselves. 

    This is not a failure of connection, but perhaps its highest form, to be known without vanishing, to be loved without dissolving.

    Relationships then become less about becoming one, and more about walking parallel, close, attuned, affected, yet sovereign.

    Romantically, we often chase the fantasy of completion. When we fall in love, there’s a hunger, to be engulfed, or to engulf.

    We want to devour and be devoured, physically and emotionally. 

    But even the most intense love can end in a painful fallout. Hearts shatter. The pain feels irreparable, and sometimes, maybe it is. Yet even if there is no falling out, even when passion is shared, yet there is a feeling of emptiness. 

    It feels even after pouring your cup completely, something in you still remains, untouched, undisturbed, unspilled.

    And that what remains is the ‘I’ which never loses itself, no matter how much we try to give it away.

    Sometimes we come across those friendships that make us believe we can’t function without the other. We cling. We depend. Our happiness and sadness depend on the existence of others.

    These siamese twins are not conjoined physically, but in emotion.

    And then the lore of marriage. The popular belief that marriage is the goal which will lead to the bliss that everyone has the right to. But even when love fades in a marriage, we hold onto the belief that this person is our eternal anchor, still our savior, the messiah. 

    And despite this yearning and this effort to keep the relationship intact, this bond frays, the warmth goes away. The hope to attain this ultimate bliss quietly diminishes.

    We may emotionally be hanging on by a thread, even if, officially, the relationship stays intact.

    When I try to reach God

    Spiritually, when we speak of merging with a higher power or becoming one with all, this idea rests on a profound paradox. In non-dual traditions like Advaita Vedanta and certain schools of Buddhism, the individual soul is not separate from the ultimate reality, it is the higher power. The boundaries between “I” and “other” dissolve; there is only oneness. 

    The self is seen as an illusion, and awakening means realizing that soul and divine are one and the same. Probably this is where our present form of amorous love takes inspiration from.

    At the same time, dualistic traditions such as Sufism and Vaishnavism speak of an eternal coexistence with the divine, where the soul remains distinct yet forever united with the ultimate source of love.

    In these paths, the “I” does not disappear but lives in a loving relationship with the beloved, the divine, never losing its identity even in transcendence.

    This tension, the paradox of unity and individuality, deeply shapes the spiritual journey. 

    How can personal bliss flourish when the self both dissolves into oneness and yet must remain distinct? 

    The very essence of personal joy and love seems to depend on the presence of a unique “I.”

    Is there an absolute answer?

    True bliss is found not in choosing between these different spiritual views but in embracing their coexistence: being one with everything, coexisting amicably with everything and also the one, yet profoundly oneself. 

    It is the delicate dance of merging and standing apart, finding peace in the mystery that the self can be infinite and intimate all at once.

    And that brings me to the metaphor of parallel lines. Lines that are impossibly close, running together for infinity, and yet, never meeting.

    This, I feel, is the nature of all human connection. We may walk side by side, but we do not merge. Our identities never fully dissolve.

    The “I” always remains

    I may give you everything but still something in me remains, which is mine, forever. And even I can’t erase it.

    Even the most submissive among us still carries an “I” that wants to exist. 

    Romantically, this realization may feel melancholic, never to melt into one with a soulmate.

    But spiritually, it’s almost magical, to feel union, while still remembering who we are.

    If there were no individuality, how would we even experience oneness?

    The vastness of ‘I’

    This sense of “I” is not ego. It’s awareness. The I that chooses relationships or the path to eternal bliss.

    It’s the part that lets us appreciate connection without losing selfhood.

    If I extend this back to earthly relationships, it challenges the fairytale endings that were sold.

    Passionate love is supposed to mean becoming one, souls merging, personalities entwined. But maybe the real bliss comes from preserving awareness. 

    Of being two individuals, consciously choosing to flow together, not disappear into each other.

    The need to understand ‘I’

    At the risk of sounding too rational, sometimes, logic is the gateway to emotional and spiritual freedom. 

    The more I become aware of myself, the more clearly I can hear what my soul longs for, and move toward it, until it’s within reach.

    To understand this ‘I’, one needs inner work, spiritual and psychological. To let go of the ego which inhibits understanding of oneself, a deterrent in attaining true happiness. 

    When we make enough effort to realize who we are and what we want, it’s easier to decide which path to take to reach the ultimate goal that we have defined for our life.

    The evolving journey of ‘ours’

    The takeaway for me is this, life is a personal journey. Not necessarily alone, but always individual. You may want to consume someone, or be consumed. But you never truly can. 

    We co-exist, just like parallel lines. Sometimes infinitesimally close. Sometimes drifting apart. 

    And sometimes, like in non-Euclidean geometry, paths that were never aligned might finally meet, after an eternity.

    And maybe that’s the quiet beauty of it all. In a world where nothing truly fuses, we still reach. 

    That despite the certainty of separation, we still choose to walk, to witness, to love.

    That even if our paths never truly intersect, the nearness of another soul becomes its own kind of grace. 

    We orbit one another, not to complete, but to reflect, to remind, to remember that we were never meant to vanish into someone else, but to fully arrive in ourselves, again and again, alongside those who do the same.

    Perhaps we were never meant to merge, only to meet, like light through glass. Just passing through, never clinging, casting something beautiful in its wake.

  • The Roles We Play-The People We Forget

    She stood in the kitchen, not because she loved to cook, but because being a wife meant she had to. He fixed the pipe, not because he was good at it, but because being a man meant he had to. 

    Beneath their roles, they were just tired people longing to be seen.

    Why do we choose to live as roles instead of just us? 

    Roles that we inherit due to our birth, that are assigned to us or based on what we want to be in a personal relationship, where we come from, our gender , and even our caste or race.

    We don’t just inherit roles, we crave love through them. As a child, we wish our parents would see us beyond performance. As adults, we carry that wish into marriage, friendships, and families. But instead of intimacy, roles offer scripts.

    Because it seems as though we’ve forgotten that beneath these roles, there’s a human being trying to make sense of the world, struggling to keep up with expectations and standards that are not their own, but set by others.

    One instance of our prejudice about roles is menial work. Blue-collar work is not respected as much in India because people are seen for the work they do, not for the human they are. 

    We fail to recognize the privileges we have and how they shape the way we interact with others in a society.

    The emotional burden of performance

    One of the things growing up I have always resented is how easily anybody is insulted when they are not doing the job intended for them as per the standard set by the society, beyond the salary or money involved, but sometimes including that too.

    We are reduced to tasks, roles, and duties, based on time, tradition, culture, location, and gender and are judged by how well we fulfill the expected roles, and this judgment is constant. 

    There’s no room for understanding the complexities of a person’s life or the struggles they face. 

    Instead, we’ve built a system where anyone can become a judge, offering critiques and shame without empathy. 

    The masks we wear

    It’s almost as if every person is a machine, expected to perform at the same level of efficiency and productivity without deviation, without room for humanity. 

    I wonder who said ‘we are all born unique’!

    And when someone doesn’t meet these expectations, it’s easy for society to point the finger. 

    But when those same judges are asked to look inward and examine their own flaws, the room falls silent. 

    Bubbles in my head

    These accountability questions lead to a cycle of shame, hurt, and dejection in the heart of the person who was busy judging others but never tried to take a look inside. 

    People feel as though they’re never good enough, that they’re failing at a role something they never even chose to play. 

    They seek acceptance, to be seen beyond their roles. They want someone to tell them it’s okay to not be perfect. 

    They want someone to tell them not to be so harsh to themselves. But more often than not, society offers no space for such grace.

    Despite this core desire of being accepted for who they are without being shamed for their perceived inefficiencies, the hurt and imperfect people cover this shame, and dejection because yes, maybe they are “so weak and inefficient’, because that’s how deep the conditioning is.

    Or they would turn these complex feelings into anger, that nobody is willing to help them or understand them yet are willing to judge them.

    So they build a chasm, or they become a doormat.

    They are willing to be treated like the worst person as their punishment, or they are willing to wear the strongest emotional armour so that nobody and nothing, no warmth and love, can pass through it.

    The fixation on structure v/s desire to flow

    This brings me to a bigger question: Why do we care so much about roles? 

    Why is it that our relationships, our entire way of living, is based on these predetermined expectations? 

    Is it a trust issue? Do we believe that if we don’t define everything, love and care won’t flow naturally? 

    Why do we prioritize tradition over genuine expressions of love, even when it suffocates us? 

    Why do we feel trapped by expectations from people who may not even love us?

    Unless there is some psychological reasoning behind it, for example, parents have to take care of the young ones because young ones are dependent on adults, hence they can’t worry about the child’s expression of love towards them, there is no room for discussion on why we have to continue to keep living up those roles which feel more like a burden.

    Putting my thinking cap on

    Shouldn’t expectations from the role we play in our relationships as adults should be on the basis of how the person is, rather than pre writing, pre-ordaining it?

    Because it puts the onus on the person themself, whether they want to be in that role or not, instead of society thrusting their traditions on them. There is a greater accountability in their behavior, should they choose to be in a certain role/relationship.

    For example, in modern married couples, both partners work. Why should gender roles still define who does the housework and who works outside?

    Why can’t the husband cook because he’s better at it, or the wife handle the finances because she’s better at it? 

    Haven’t we progressed enough to have a mature discussion with our partners and parents about how we would like to lead our life?

    Why do we still need religion and tradition to tell us if we are falling short of our own responsibilities, or what living a healthy relationship should look like?

    What exactly is missing?

    Is it education? Or is it critical thinking? Is it the belief that humans don’t or can’t change?

    Maybe some people should be left alone because they don’t want to take any responsibility. Society has to expect not everyone is born to build a family.

    The rigged system- Role inequality in marriage & family

    This also leads to another dilemma, why should everybody have the same set of roles and responsibilities to live up to, against their will?

    For instance, why should people be forced to marry if they are really not interested in sharing that ideology with anyone? What for them marriage should be just a label and they still live their life like when they were unmarried, without any burden? 

    Why should every couple marry, if they are happily making it work without a label? Why should monogamy be the norm for a couple if the couple is okay with polygamy or open relationships, or many other new formats out there? 

    Why should every person grow up with this notion that they will get a partner despite making zero efforts in becoming a good match? 

    Why should every couple think about becoming a parent just because society expects them to? 

    Why can’t friends raise a family together, and still date outside?

    Why should only the husband have to worry about finances and a house, why raising kids should be a concern for the mother only? Why is birthing the only way to become a parent? 

    Why aren’t people with pets acknowledged as a family?

    Why do people inherently think they will automatically have the right to their parents’ property or partner’s hard work, despite being an abuser to them? 

    Why should society decide how adult children take care of their parents? Why only daughters leave their house after marriage, why not the couple choose where they would like to live and how to take care of each other’s family? 

    Why is adoption looked down upon, even if the couple is able to conceive? Why adopt only neurotypical children? Why parents aren’t encouraged to adopt disabled or neurodivergent or special children?

    Why should a couple be told how many kids they should birth and what their gender should be? Why can’t a mother choose whether she wishes to work or not after having children or whether she wants to halt her career for raising kids? 

    When would it end?

    When a man and woman get married, the woman is expected to know cooking, house chores, and caretaking of elderly and children by default. It is never considered whether she is even interested in cooking, or caretaking or how skilled she is. 

    She is expected to cook and do house work like a professional, whereas for the same work there are professional degrees out there and men are at the helm of all these fields. 

    Men get the medals for performing best at these jobs which are basically domestic work for a woman, but a woman is never appreciated for the similar hard work she puts in to make a house, a family work.

    It’s said she’s born to be a slave (read wife and a mother) and shouldn’t complain.

    The husband has to know how saving works, and bring home the maximum amount of salary and financial freedom without understanding whether he is skilled to do that.

    He should do the heavy physical work of the house, be the alpha, and be aggressive. He also should be ready to fire a punch when required, and has to be the engineer, plumber, carpenter and mechanic of the house. 

    He has to put his personal goals aside, to meet the family goals always. A man’s life is about providing, he can’t dream of pursuing anything for his soul while taking care of his family.

    He can’t ask his wife to take care of the finances, should he feel not strong or inclined enough.

    The man is ridiculed for being soft and emotional and if pursues art as a hobby. He is made fun of if talks about emotions and self care.

    His identity is defined by the hours he spends at work, and the money he brings in. He would be shamed if he is dependent on his wife financially or if she earns more than him.

    A man is not a human being, but money making machine and free of cost handy-man for life.

    He also has to be on his masculine side always and if as a husband is warm to his wife and as a father is caring for his children, then he is made fun of like he is being too soft to be called a man. 

    Men can’t be feminist, else according to the society they’d lose their masculinity. Men can’t be non violent too, because that means they are just weak.

    If a husband chooses to earn less or looks less physically appealing than her wife, like shorter height, then society keeps reminding the couple how the wife is at the losing end.

    In the same breath, if the wife is less pretty, is not good at housework, tends to fight for her rights, has a voice and is a feminist (as they say it), then she is continuously reminded she is not the ideal partner her husband should get. 

    The best wife is a submissive kind who has no rights and voice of her own.

    When the wife expects financial support from the husband apart from the house expenditure, then she is ridiculed that she is supposed to sacrifice and made to feel like a burden and a money waster. 

    Whereas a husband can bring any number of guests to cater to and the wife should be ready to put up with a smile at any time of the day because of what the role demands.

    But the husband can say no to any demand in the name of only earner hence decision maker of the house, even after being aware that wife has no other avenue and time to earn money.

    Men are made the alpha, with only the criteria of money, without assesing how well they are taking care of their family.

    A wife is only custodian of the money that her husband earns, she can’t ask for an allowance, in fact she has to think before asking, else she will be ridiculed for being a spent thrift and called greedy. She is expected to never save and can be asked for her assets or jewellery to be sold at any point, without her consent. 

    This has already created dual pressure on women these days, to be a perfect homemaker and excellent at office work too. She can’t think of not earning, because whenever she will need money, she’d be made to feel like a beggar.

    This is the female empowerment, to save oneself from the insult. Instead of teaching men their responsibility and healthy mindset about it, women have to figure it out themselves.

    Women have to overperform to be heard, to be safe, to be respected. Not because they are weak, but because the system was never built to protect them, only to contain them. 

    Also, only a man’s work is valued because it is economically productive yet on the other side, the man is not supposed to enjoy any family bliss and has to spend his days only providing for family. 

    The number of hours and the hard work both the partners are putting in to make the family work are not accounted for equitably.

    Sometimes, I actually wonder is patriarchy even beneficial to men? Wouldn’t feminism actually empower them ?

    The cycle of pain goes on

    Parents have to be always on the providing end and children take no responsibility as adults, especially if parents are not able to.

    Parents are unwilling to adjust and change their lifestyles as per their adult children’s capacity, leading to tension between both the generations. 

    ‘It was your job to raise us’, that’s what parents get to hear. Or ‘we did so much for you, yet you complain’, told by parents to their children.

    These are the normal discourse between adult children and parents, where no side is willing to take any accountability of their behavior and how they could be hurting one another.

    All these scenarios, just indicate one side sacrificing their heart and body out and other reaping benefits of the love the other person is pouring, without any accountability.

    What starts as a tired sigh in the kitchen or a quiet resentment at work soon reveals a larger pattern. These aren’t personal failures. They’re systemic expectations. And they shape every household, every marriage, every mind.

    Disadvantages of preset roles and responsibilities

    People take advantage of the system, and repent despite falling short of that role. 

    For example in a lot of family disputes, adults who are not even properly taking care of their old parents, harass them for money and property. 

    In many marriages, one partner exploits the other in the name of the traditional role set by the society. A husband who doesn’t contribute financially still expects his wife to do all the housework with grace and might even push her for earning.

    A wife who is not interested in taking care of her side of duties, makes a big deal when her husband doesn’t support her financially.

    Men expecting dowry and women dragging and blackmailing men in the name of women’s rights to get alimony is the new trend.

    Societal rigidity vs personal choice

    All of these issues, according to me, could be resolved, if people just accepted their shortcomings and had an honest conversation about what they want from that relationship. 

    It shouldn’t be about this is how things have been done till now but more about this is what i’m able to offer, and is the other one agreeing to accept that.

    I am my own enemy

    The problem is people associating their behavior with their role, instead of assessing their own actions, they tend to maintain a report card of every other person.

    It seems, we are completely driven by ego, not by love. 

    We just don’t want to be blamed, yet in that process if we lose peace and happiness, then that’s okay.

    People tend to have a fair idea about where the other person is falling short and why they need to be ridiculed for being inefficient.

    But if you truly ask them, “why do you think the other person is inefficient?”, they have some brazen responses which include shaming people, calling them lazy, selfish, manipulative, and cruel.

    And if you ask them why they themselves are falling short in their own role, then they’d give you a laundry list of reasons, which eventually means, cut them some slack and not bother with judgment, have some pity on them.

    The abyss within

    All in all, the discussions are always futile because you can never reach a consensus point with someone who is unwilling to have a real discussion about themselves and those who are unwilling to extend grace to others.

    This always makes me wonder why there are such major trust issues in all of our relationships.

    And then I observe, during their childhood, none of these people were extended any grace or honesty or space to be themselves.

    So today, they struggle to name their feelings and emotions.

    They are scared of those big feelings, which stop them from performing their ideal tasks.

    They have learnt to cut corners and manipulate emotions to always have the upper hand in that toxic relationship.

    Instead of fixing the issues, they feel ashamed of discussing how they are struggling in some area of their life.

    They struggle and scoff at asking for help because since childhood the message was: you are weak if you are feeling sad and hurt, you are weak if you need a shoulder to cry on.

    They shame those who try to seek help and fix their relationships. Their answer to everything is ‘just drop this and move on’ or ‘who cares if anybody is hurting, as long as we are happy’.

    We have absolutely no awareness about what emotional stability, and processing is.

    We only care about emotional resilience, which should be automatic to every human being, which today, research has clearly stated, is a skill taught by parents.

    There’s light at the end of this tunnel

    So I will extend the grace, despite being disappointed that people don’t try to fix their relationships.

    I will pity them because they haven’t understood there is a better way to live out there.

    The least we can do as a society is to believe people are trying really hard and they still need to be celebrated. 

    We can motivate them to be something more, but never shame them for who they are, vehemently trying to achieve, yet failing in the eyes of society.

    In the USA, when homeless people were given a home like normal people for six months with no questions asked, they were able to integrate back into society more easily, because it was easy for them to feel normal. They didn’t feel they were homeless.

    I guess the same thinking we need here.

    We need to tell people that you are loved despite your shortcomings, but they have to stop hurting people in the name of a role.

    A hope for future

    There is a need to understand what we are supposed to be as humans: just nice and kind people who don’t treat others like doormats. 

    We also need to understand when it’s a privilege to be born in a certain way be it gender or caste or physical appearance or to find oneself in a certain role, without much effort, enjoying its benefits.

    And not to ridicule others who are trying their best despite all odds, trying to earn the role that you easily received without being grateful about it.

    At this point of civilization, with so much knowledge and experience and the pain of pandemics, natural disasters and wars and looming dangers of climate change, let’s try to find the value of human life as is, without the fear that we are here to hurt each other, rather to be loved by one another.

    Additional thoughts to munch on

    Professionally, all good organizations give a long grace period for people to try. And since it’s a corporation, it will ask you to let go if after some time you are not meeting the job requirements. 

    But it does give you a training period or even before firing, a chance to up your skill, to try to live up to the role you chose to take. Some organizations give a chance to change departments, should a person feel a lack of interest or want to hone their skills in a different way. 

    In any case, a good company tries to keep you on, with constant dialogue.

    But should we, or could we, do that in personal relationships?

    Divorce is already an official example of people not meeting their roles.

    But what about other blood relationships?

    Since we already have had many conversations on toxic relationships and chucking them, can we have a conversation on how to make relationships work?

    Can we try not to push people away?

    In professional and political spaces, a description of roles is necessary, else how will one assess the performance. Yet many times human angle wins and despite shortcomings, people are appreciated without even achieving their goals.

    But in personal relationships, we have to meet people for what they are, not the job or the role that is described.

    These days dual income families are promoted, and even when the wife is taking care of house responsibilities alone. Even if only the husband’s salary can suffice for the house, the wife is pushed to work without understanding the pressure of such life on the whole family.

    All this leads to reduced familial happiness and a lot of physical and mental health issues, but there is no interest in sitting down and understanding how our trends are affecting the daily lives of millions of people badly.

    Moving beyond the personal sphere of relationships, caste and race have devised professional roles, and it is a given in Indian society for certain castes to do some particular tasks.

    They are never seen for the risks they take or the hard work they put in, rather are always expected to do the difficult work with 200% dedication without complaining about pay. 

    In fact, for them the way for coming out of this caste and gender based loop of work is paved with obstacles and judgements.

    When it comes to gender, despite high quality and hard work, females have to constantly justify for a stable job and pay.

    They are discriminated against for promotion because of reasons like menstruation, pregnancy, child-rearing , which I have discussed in my other essay on Life After Becoming a Mother.

    Also one of the factors of any healthy society is the awareness of privilege. The privilege that is being enjoyed by the privileged class is not considered a privilege by the same people, it’s their birthright.

    And the hardships whoever is facing in the name of gender, caste, financial status is their punishment.

    They can’t complain, they can’t make a noise, lest they be pushed into ‘whataboutery’ and the cycle of bare minimum benefits.

    So with the new found awareness, it is imperative we reassess how we manage our relationships, because clearly older ways are not working, neither professionally nor personally.

  • Perfectionism: Is it enabling you or draining you?

    (A sneak peek into the mind of a perfectionist, who is unable to find their self esteem without validation from others)

    I’m tired of this mind of mine, so tender, it bruises with every word. The one that gets hurt at the slightest comment.

    The one obsessed with validation.

    My entire sense of worth seems to hang on someone else’s words.

    I have this maddening urge to explain myself until the other person finally says, “I get it. I still like you. You weren’t wrong.”

    Why can’t I be wrong? Why am I so attached to being right?

    I’m sure my moral compass was shaped in childhood, by parents who believed that making a mistake meant you were a bad person. So to me, being a good human meant being a perfect one. Nothing less of perfection.

    It’s become an obsession: to be right, always right. And when I’m not, I spiral into anxiety. Then I expect others to accept my shortcomings, because I wasn’t raised right, because I have issues, because I am broken.

    And the burden falls on the ones who love me to accommodate my madness, my fears, my tears, my jolts, my frenzy, my apparent lovelessness.

    It becomes a vicious cycle: “Please don’t hate me, I’m not bad”—to—“Go to hell, you’re wrong and imperfect.”

    Self-preservation takes over when someone tries to push me into a corner.

    I growl like a grizzly bear to scare them away, but on the inside, I just want a hug.

    I want to be told I’m still loved.

    I often observe others, watching how they go about their day, without any apparent worry of the world.

    I don’t understand how people live with their imperfections without constantly fearing ridicule or rejection. I can be kind to strangers, compassionate to broken people, accepting of their flaws.

    But in close relationships, I run a tight ship.

    So tight, it’s suffocating.

    And truthfully? It’s exhausting to live with me.

    I’m constantly analyzing myself, putting myself on trial, playing the jury, the judge, the lawyer, the culprit, and the victim. It feels like I’m holding a fragile ship together. One wrong move, and everything sinks.

    Yes, yes,I know I need help!

    But here’s the question that haunts me: Does wanting to be right mean I need help?

    I fear that if I start letting go, if I start accepting things as they are, I’m giving up on myself.

    Accepting would mean my thoughts aren’t really changing. I’ve just muted my voice.

    I fear I’d become a fake. A hypocrite. An inauthentic.

    So what to do now?

    Should I end relationships where I don’t let the other person breathe?

    Should I only stay close to those I can accept easily?

    Should I keep pushing people to be better?

    Where’s the line between nagging and nurturing? Between trying and accepting?

    Why does acceptance sometimes feel like enabling cruelty? And why does trying to fix things make me feel like the villain?

    If I don’t sound urgent, will people even take me seriously?

    How much time are we wasting hurting each other—hurting ourselves—just to be ‘right’?

    How do I handle the casual disdain people seem to have for empathy and accountability? How far do I go in trying to show them a different way?

    How to tell them their bare minimum is not enough?

    What’s the ideal distance in relationships? What’s hypocrisy, and what’s authenticity? What does it mean to “let people be” versus trying to make a relationship work?

    And then I wonder: what is stopping them, and what is stopping me, from accepting?

    Behind the refusal to accept is fear.

    Fear born in childhood, or maybe adulthood, during those moments when you were left alone, helpless.

    The phoenix in me wondering, whether to rise from the ashes or stay hidden.

    When the hand that was supposed to save you pushed you deeper into the swamp instead.

    You felt like you’d die in those moments.

    But you survived. Heroically.

    At a cost.

    You lost faith. In people. Maybe even in God.

    Now, the only person you trust is yourself, because it was you who pulled yourself out. And even when someone offered help, they didn’t reach in time.

    So now, you plan. You judge. You micromanage every outcome. To avoid vulnerability.

    People might think you’re strong, wise, put-together. But really you’re just scared.

    A scaredy crow who can’t handle surprises. You spin like a top, terrified of falling.

    This perfection isn’t superiority. It’s inferiority, wearing a mask. It’s fear pretending to be in control.

    And when you look at others, you wonder: How are they just living? Not micromanaging? Not terrified of mistakes?

    You’re triggered by their ease. Their confidence. Their oblivion. You scoff at them, call them naive. But in quiet moments, you wonder: Who sleeps better? You or them?

    Maybe you’re jealous. Maybe you envy how little time they spend in fear.

    Your fear shows up as control. As nagging. As intensity. You become the party pooper. The energy zapper.

    But there’s an opposite extreme too: The avoiders. The numb ones. Those who were never taught to handle hard emotions. So they freeze. Scoff. Numb.

    They call emotional people dramatic. They label vulnerability as weakness.

    But deep down, they’re as fragile as you. They just express it differently.

    Addictions often live here: in food, screens, working out to look a certain way, alcohol, sex, shopping, even cleaning. Anything to escape the storm inside.

    So there’s a middle path. There has to be.

    One extreme says stop at the sight of trouble. The other says ignore the signs and run. But the middle path says:

    Pause.

    Feel your feelings. Sit with discomfort. Then choose your next move, with kindness, with strength, with clarity.

    Tell yourself when difficulties are looming over your head, that you are strong enough to face it. You are loved enough to ask for support. You are mature enough to know who to ask. You are kind enough to accept failure. And wise enough to begin again.

    You don’t have to feel ashamed of making mistakes and seeking help. You help others feel whole when they think they’re missing something to be happy and worthy.

    I read somewhere, Not making mistakes is not perfection but growing continuously changing continuously as per the lessons is perfection.

    So now to me, this is what a healthy mind looks like: A mind that can handle what life throws at it—with quiet dignity. Even if it stumbles, it rises.

    It knows how to hold itself. And when it can’t, it’s confident enough to reach out. Not in desperation, but in strength.

    It doesn’t dwell in shame. It doesn’t seek constant validation. It simply knows:

    The space it holds on this Earth is already its own, and it doesn’t need to be earned or justified.

    I hope all the broken ones find peace. I hope they’re met with warmth instead of suspicion. That their concerns are treated like real wounds. That they are supported like they never were before.

    I hope they know: They matter. Without effort. Without perfection. Without asking.

    Always.