Category: English

  • Why Kindness Is the Selfish Person’s Power Play

    A law of nature (1⇔1), foretold by Uncle Newton, action is equal to reaction, you get what you give. Never thought physics class was actually a sociology class too.

    When it comes to understanding how the world works, those who have mastered their quid pro quo muscle, the connoisseurs of transactional relationships, have aced how kindness is used in this selfish world. They have learnt how to make it in this world, sometimes even without any real talent.

    Why should I care about others?

    You ought to help others, if you need help. You ought to pass the ball if you want to receive one in your hand again. Sometimes even bigger than what you gave.

    You leave to be somewhere else, you take things and people out of your life to make room for new things and people in your life.

    Flow is the essence of life.

    Hence, this simple strategy, if you naturally aren’t finding motivation to endorse kindness in your heart, be nice if you are selfish.

    Be kind to others, if you want to only benefit from this world. 

    Is this karma? Maybe, if it calms you. But it’s just how social dynamics work.

    Is this a satire or a hard fact ?

    Both! It’s up to the altitude level of your soul, whichever soothes it more.

    Let’s dig a little deeper!

    I often meet people who are so tired of this world, whining about the way people have stopped benefiting them. The people they helped never helped them back. Or just in general, a constant need of entitlement they carry, like the world owes them something.

    I will not say I don’t find it diabolical but with time I have learnt every negative outlook towards life stems from a basic need remaining unmet. 

    Looking back to the things from where they have started to affect us is a better way to work out the present problem.

    Introspection and acceptance is the key to true happiness.

    Easier said than done, I know!

    The problem is for so many reasons we are unable to connect to our own selves, to look at our own conscience and with keen eyes, we definitely avoid that. It’s work. It’s guilt. Probably shame. Conditioning, who knows, may not be just one reason for this lax attitude.

    Anyway, coming back to kindness v/s selfishness.

    What we have to understand and accept, people gain more from being kind even when they inherently believe it’s better to be selfish.

    The facade of kindness sells better. People when they think you are kind, they almost consider you stupid, and would approach you more. Bam! Good for networking and business. But in the long run, you meet people who are as broken by this world, yet as kind as you. You can build your tribe like that.

    Like begets like.

    This passing the kindness parcel doesn’t stop at this. You keep on helping others in return for something, you still get your work done, plus you owe something to someone. 

    In the long term, less chances of people denying you a favour. You are the first person who comes to mind for being resourceful, and the easiest way for personal branding. You will be remembered for more than one reason, good for you always.

    If you were a business owner and your product/service was subpar, even then people would come to you and prefer working with you because you have shown them kindness before.

    They find you non-threatening. Unless you are the Godfather, where you were considered kind and fearsome both. (Take a bow, Marlon Brando as Don Corleone)

    This is exactly how communities build. Even though the ideal suggestion is to help because you want to be a good samaritan.

    But even if for whatever reason you are not able to channel your inner goodness, summon your strategic evil planning brain and help because it will come to you in return, especially when you’d need it the most.

    If not the same person who you helped, sometimes they are not available, or resourceful or they have not cracked the code of being kind in this selfish world, someone else would rush to your aid for sure.

    Word of advice here

    Don’t you forget the face of the person who couldn’t show up when you expected them to though. You have to know whether they thought you were stupid or genuinely struggling themselves, so you are prepared to not be fooled for the next time.

    While practising kindness, you actually shouldn’t become a public hose or a punching bag.

    And this is how we understand how boomerang effect is prevalent in social life. Since your story of kindness is already known, people know you are a ‘good’ person who helps, someone will come to your help.

    And because everyone has received help some way or the other from someone in the community, there is a higher chance they would be motivated to help others when required.

    They all want to get on the wagon of kindness because that’s the social norm. The FOMO is real. No matter how we achieve this ‘community with kindness’ goal, the long or the short way, we all win.

    And, that’s the whole point of all of humanity.
    To be there, for one another.

    Another solid reason to be kind:

    On a serious spiritual note, kindness is powerful. Kindness heals people, both ways. The one who helped, feels powerful and resourceful, he finds meaning in his existence and the value he has because of his work and presence.his inner cup is filled.

    At the same time the person who received help, understands there is goodness in this world. He can rely on others , he’s not alone. A trust in the community is reinforced.

    A caution though:

    To think you can  pretend to be kind when you never think about others, to only help people who can do something for you in return, might get you everywhere materialistically, but peace is far fetched.

    True peace comes when we help someone, who doesn’t even believe or think they could be helped. Helping those who can only cry to god for help, those whose tears can’t be seen and voices which can’t be heard. Being kind to those even after the help probably can’t even thank you because of whatever reason, but you know you did something utterly human.

    Anyway, this preaching can take the whole day.

    So now back to today’s business!

    Again, why kindness is worth the effort in the long run:

    One would ask, is kindness “work”?

    Yes! A whole lot of it.

    But it reaps more benefits than you a lone selfish person could ever achieve. The world works on familiarity and networking.

    This is how nepotism works.This is what corruption and lack of integrity has done.This is how it’s easy for big businesses to favour each other.

    You help people, you are remembered, and then you have access to these people for more than just a kind deed.

    Think think you selfish gremlin! Be kind and be happy! 

    If you can’t find it in your heart to be kind, use your head. 

    And you will see how many closed doors it can open, including your own heart, hopefully someday.

  • Built for More Than Survival

    There’s an entire generation walking around confused, burned out, emotionally stunted or overburdened. It is not because they failed, but because they were never taught how to live. Millennials and their parents inherited silent rules, unspoken traumas, and outdated ideologies disguised as wisdom. Somewhere between survival and image, we forgot how to be human.

    This list is not a bashing critique on any generation. It is implying why we picked some toxic patterns and they need to be dropped right now. It is a reminder message to all of us in that age group, that we are hurting others and ourselves by not accepting the truth about ourselves. We can change, whenever we want.

    It is our life. And we can remember only one before dying. 

    Even stationary trees shed their leaves and grow new ones, then we are humans, we can change only if we believe life is better when we keep evolving and growing with it.

    The skills that should have been taught to millennials and parents of millennials, but were missed for various reasons

    1. Having difficult conversation / not to escape emotional conversations
    2. Taking care of physical health
    3. Understanding what is mental health and taking care of it
    4. If your loved ones are complaning about your behavior, acknowledge it and do something about it
    5. Honest conversations / being vulnerable when it matters
    6. Ability to accept criticism
    7. A sense of humor/ ability to laugh at oneself
    8. Self awareness
    9. How to take care of others without burning oneself out
    10. How  to say thank you / to show gratitude / to recognize and appreciate someone’s help even if they love us, not taking kindness for granted
    11. Saying sorry, even to an infant, animal or a plant
    12. How to be selfless without looking for recognition or return
    13. How to take care of others / do things with no benefit for oneself
    14. House chores
    15. Knowing basic skills of life/ Just because you earn well, doesn’t mean you should get away with not learning basic skills in life like cooking, cleaning, maintaining a house, taking care of others, doing basic financial work, traveling/driving/riding for work alone
    16. Not being a burden of a person on others
    17. How not to torture themselves and their children in the name of parenting
    18. Spirituality and healthy detachment
    19. Critical thinking / challenging problematic rituals and practices
    20. Enjoying life with its imperfections, not chasing the perfection
    21. Money over everything else
    22. Thriving versus surviving
    23. How not to deny honest feedback in relationships and in public life
    24. Not depending their self worth on people’s opinions, rather than on oneself / high self esteem
    25. Not taking major decisions in life like career, marriage to get approval of others
    26. Not caring about third parties more than direct family members
    27. Show off/snobbery versus real happiness
    28. Not just Worrying about future, but  also caring about  present
    29. Not regretting the past always
    30. Not living in yesterday and someone else’s life, thinking how life could be better if they had something else / always looking at someone else’s garden and comparing their life
    31. How to live without constant whining
    32. Problem solving versus problem seeking
    33. Not interested in others’ life, gossiping
    34. Not talking to people just for entertainment but developing real connections
    35. Not treating God like their servant, whose job is to appease them, and believing if He doesn’t then He doesn’t exist
    36. Not using people for purpose, not enjoying people as a company
    37. Giving high importance to friendship and community
    38. Worrying about our own contribution and not always thinking about what others are contributing
    39. Be the bigger guy, and not always wondering why they should be the only one nice
    40. Not worrying about quid pro quo and making every relationship and interaction transactional, keep passing the good deeds on
    41. Having an individual personality / not having herd mentality
    42. Inculcating a lifelong hobby, for your own happiness
    43. Having a life of your own, especially meant for old age
    44. Understanding the importance, power and responsibility of humans and having a sense of self
    45. Not putting dogmatism / pseudo-traditionalism over everything else
    46. Never avoid responsibility / never think about bending the rules even if there’s no one watching / never run away from accountability
    47. Do not imitate wrongdoings, corrupt activities with explanation that everyone is doing
    48. Do not use God as an excuse to bully others 
    49. Empathy!!!
    50. Accepting  your weaknesses, accepting feeling tired and will to rest is not a sign of failure
    51. Being bold / telling right from wrong with confidence and practicing the tough road
    52. Asking for help, especially when struggling mentally
    53. Asking for help for those who can’t ask for themselves
    54. Pick up fight for the weak
    55. Feel happy for others / do not feel insecure and jealous of others and their achievements
    56. Use money to feel happy too, not just save it for one day
    57. Enjoying / resting / relaxing without feeling guilty
    58. Not competing who works hard more / do not glorify mindless grinding / work hard for your own happiness not to please anyone else
    59. Appreciating public property and always keeping in mind fellow citizens, even if no one is watching and there is no penalty
    60. Respect for disabled and differently abled, working towards an inclusive society, understanding issues they face and how to solve them
    61. Thinking about how all strata of society, including animals and plants can be helped through our work
    62. Treating animals and plants with respect, not to hurt the weak in any form
    63. Selfcare is not selfish, it is important to take care of oneself if one wants to take care of others
    64. Taking education very seriously
    65. Mastering at least one skill which can earn you money, if nothing else works
    66. Learning is a lifelong process
    67. A nuclear family is separate unit, a joint family is still a bunch of individual nuclear units. Respecting each unit is healthy.
    68. Not to use elders especially parents as vending/ATM machines. They don’t owe their adult children anything. Everybody deserves a respectful life. A life of their choice.
    69. Respect should not be bought with money, least of all from your own family.
    70. Importance of ‘me’ time / importance of spatial privacy / break for everyone
    71. Your house should be your most comfortable place, invest in it
    72. You have one body, take care of it, invest on it, guiltfree
    73. Don’t ruin your happiness and relationships for work
    74. Outsourcing work when can’t take it / it’s okay to ask for help / make your money do your work so that you can be more efficient
    75. Understanding the importance of roles that people take up by choice and living it to the fullest
    76. Importance of manual hard work
    77. Taking risks more often, especially in career, saying yes to things which you are really passionate about

    Things parents of millennials taught their kids which probably made sense to them but are not working anymore:

    1. Self serving ideologies 
    2. Obedience
    3. Believing people can’t change
    4. Believing you don’t ask old people to change
    5. People are born as is, and their personality is carved in stone
    6. People willing to think out of the box are detrimental to society and against their practicing religions
    7. God is a cruel master who has favorite people / God is their slave (father) whose job to serve them as per their wish, He can’t deny their wishes
    8. There is no free will
    9. Love means people who love you should abide by you, even if it means tying a noose around their neck.
    10. You can make anyone happy with money.
    11. People who are in your life owe you your happiness, you don’t owe anything to yourself and others, as long you fulfill your duty as per your definition, even if it hurts others
    12. Life means duty
    13. Thinking not knowing basic life skills is cute and it is your spouse’s task to take care of your basic needs like you are a child
    14. Spouse and children are the punching bags sent to you by god
    15. Hypocrite personality- nice outside, bully at home
    16. Using money for charity and helping people, yet not fulfilling needs of family and creating a situation of financial scarcity at home
    17. Always telling family that there is no money yet wasting it in risky things
    18. Image is more important than truth
    19. One should never cry or cry alone, and not solve the problem ever. There is an award for people who suffer in silence.
    20. Never attempt to question or understand your religion on your own. Accept only those teachings that serve your purpose
    21. Treating people willing to help them as dumping ground
    22. Lack of responsibility in their own behaviour 
    23. Victim mentality, always telling how world did them wrong
    24. Materialistic success and power is the only way to feel like you have done big in life
    25. If you haven’t achieved a big position where everyone calls you sir/madam then you have failed.
    26. Respect is not by default but earned
    27. Respect is in order of power and money, background, age, gender
    28. It is okay to insult anyone younger, poorer than you, apologies are never in order
    29. Children have no right to respect. It is okay to hit them anytime, anywhere because you are older than them.
    30. Emotionally blackmailing their family members to do things that serves their ego or good for their image
    31. Guilt tripping their family members for not serving them or pleasing them as per their wish
    32. Unable to see things from another’s point of view if it means changing your own view or accommodating others needs
    33. Under the rug mentality / not talking about important issues to cater to emotional manipulation
    34. Toxic parenting / Not teaching life skills like finances and navigating emotions to children and expecting they can learn this by getting married
    35. Treating adult children as their savior who have to fullfill the role of spouses and parents, dumping on them the weight of unfulfilled desires on those who are not supposed to carry this burden
    36. Putting parental responsibilites on children, like taking care of younger sibling while still young themselves
    37. Treating parents like housekeepers, nannies, asking them to relocate without understanding their requirements and emotional needs
    38. Not working on a solid retirement and care plan especially for parents, when they haven’t been able to plan it for themselves, ignoring them in their old age as burden
    39. Parents making adult children feel guilty for following their dreams and living an indepedent life, in orde to cater to their unfulfilled desires
    40. As an adult, expecting and overrelying on your parents to still take care of your matters like you are still a child
    41. Parents unwilling to relocate when dependent on adult children, especially when there is no other option, behaving emotionally clingy to their hometown because they don’t like changing, creating emotional trauma for their adult children and family
    42. Genderification of parental and familial care roles, which gender is more suitable to take care of parents
    43. Not accepting there is an issue with your behavior when there is clearly one
    44. Treating their children’s spouses as outsiders
    45. Treating their children as adults who should know everything right from infancy and expecting from them ideal adult behavior since childhood
    46. Bullying and shaming children, be it young or adult
    47. Encouraging children to keep with abuse in the name of respect, traditions and image
    48. Using violence to teach children right behavior
    49. Not displaying love to their loved ones
    50. Number of offsprings as the sole indicator of happy marriage
    51. Not accepting different kinds of partnerships / relationships
    52. Pushing people who love them away and later making them feel guilty about it for not being there
    53. Unable to form a healthy community
    54. Putting up with toxic family members, because related by blood
    55. Changing perception of people on the basis of money in their bank
    56. Treating those people miserably who go out of the way to help
    57. Discouraging people for supporting one another
    58. Making children especially siblings or cousins compete with one another and compare their life, marriage, career throughout their life
    59. Obsessing over blood relationships and legacy
    60. Discouraging adoption and gender equality because of purist mentality
    61. Looking at roles, not the people playing them
    62. Accepting substances as healthy coping mechanisms and not seeking help for addictions

    A separate book is required to write about how different genders are treated in India, especially the outlook of millennials and previous generations.

    One would say why I am being so harsh to us?

    But speaking truth is honesty, not harshness.

    And remember honesty is the best policy. Well, in this case it definitely is.

    I extend the grace to ourselves and our elders for doing what was needed, in the toughest of situations.

    We survived. We made it. You had to be there to understand those times.

    We adapted according to the times and these practices and behaviours are result of how we managed to make the best of those sitations. We can appreciate all that.

    But this appreciation and understanding is taking away our chance to grow with the new world. We are unable to reap the benefits of our own efforts.

    The age of survival is gone, it’s the age of thriving.

    The grace we are extending to ourselves is being used as an excuse by our brains to stay as we are. Change is being avoided and conveniently ignored.

    We have mixed change with disrespect, while taking away the rights and opportunities of the new generation.

    We can spend many more decades in trying to mourn with our elders about the tough times they faced but it is taking away the chances of our future generations to become happier.

    And it is always the future generation that deserves more attention, because the previous generation lays the foundation of the future building.

    Who are we without our progeny?

    More is being lost by staying as we are. We owe it to the future to keep changing with times as we see them. This cycle will keep going on.

    We are the babies of evolution, not dropped from sky as is.

    It’s the wheel that moves that can reach the destination, nobody has reached anywhere by staying stuck in a puddle.

    While we contemplate whether to change or not, our families are becoming distant, the people we love are suffering alone, lonlier than ever. We drift them apart, a little further, everyday.

    Because the heart can take only so much pain, from loved ones.

    Hence, sure we cannot change the past, but we can stop passing it on. It’s time we learn the skills we were never taught. And, more importantly,  it’s time we stop glorifying the struggle and start celebrating the courage it takes to feel, connect, rest, and live with truth.

  • Everyday Tools to Soothe a Stressed Nervous System

    Jumping out of bed before the alarm clock even rings, snoozing the alarm 20 times and still dragging yourself out of bed. Our hunger patterns, when angry, our body aches when afraid, the urge to use the toilet repeatedly when nervous, and even bloodwork going out of range these tell a story that’s more than just a personality trait and shouldn’t be ignored.

    Why we need to worry if our body is in a stressed state

    When the body is stressed, especially long term, it puts pressure on different organs to work a little extra, more than required, for an extended period or at least till the trigger is still there. But sometimes, even when the trigger is gone, the effect of it stays, converting it into a chronic stress situation. 

    This can lead to lifestyle diseases. Our brain still operates largely from a hunter-gatherer mindset, and its internal responses are very similar to how it used to combat stress in those times. It will keep dragging itself until it collapses. Today, that collapse often comes as early as at 30 years of age, may be younger and fiercer.

    How stress affects the body, some examples.

    1. Metabolism

    The body starts storing more food by slowing down metabolism. To the brain, stress signals the need to conserve energy, which over time leads to fat deposition especially around the abdomen, digestive issues, hypertension, diabetes and other lifestyle disorders.

    As a result, one of the things that could happen if you’re stressed and eating less food, your body might still retain it and not lose weight as expected.

    2. Sleep

    People either sleep too much or too little. In fact, those who sleep a lot under stress are actually conserving energy that’s being spent on fighting stress. When they start to heal, they may sleep even more because their body can finally relax and recover.

    This is why, after a tough phase or when someone returns to a safe place like home or goes on vacation they may sleep more than expected: their nervous system is finally relaxing.

    Other times, there’s just insomnia. In short, there’s no sleep routine, and you always feel like your system needs recharging.

    3. Movement

    The body resists movement when dysregulated. In its effort to conserve energy, it suppresses any urge to move beyond urgent needs. That’s why people under chronic stress may struggle even to brush their teeth or maintain basic hygiene. They develop pain in many parts of the body which again hampers the urge to move.

    4. Depletion of micronutrients

    People who are constantly under stress, may find their micronutrients level deranged, causing body ache and overall feeling of constant sickness. The body specially uses Vitamin D, B5, B12, C, E, Magnesium during stress directly and indirectly. One will find uric acid deranged too. All these and many other micros out of range in your blood work represent that body needs help.

    How to mitigate effect of stress in our daily life – A Precautionary Approach

    One of the cornerstones of health is slow living to keep the body in a healing condition. Anything too fast is too stimulating during chronic stress. If the body keeps receiving stress signals, it will behave as though it is diseased. With that mindset, no matter what activity you do, your body won’t respond effectively, it still believes it’s in an emergency.

    Even medication won’t work 100% because stress interferes with its effectiveness. The result? Only the dosage keeps increasing.

    The long-term solution to stress is, of course, living a healthy life in a safe, pollution free environment surrounded by a supportive community, with a fulfilling career and satisfying family life.

    But realistically, we often can’t control all these factors. Hence, we are forced to manage stress daily.

    The skills discussed in these articles are effective life tools that should be taught from childhood to old age to help us face life’s hardships without long-term damage to physical and mental health.

    Importance of a resilient nervous system

    We regulate our nervous system to maintain neuroplasticity, emotional resilience, and the ability to process a wide range of emotions with greater physical and mental strength.

    The three pillars of daily nervous system regulation are:

    1. Removal of toxins (like remnants of cortisol, cytokines) from the system
    2. Mimicking safe environment stimuli to return the body to a regulated state, when it can’t do so on its own and the external environment is still stressful
    3. Indulging in activities that release neurotransmitters responsible for long-term peace and happiness

    Mimicking safe environment stimuli approach

    I always used to wonder why actors in movies splash their faces with cold water when they’re agitated or before facing a difficult situation. Why is Mark Hanna’s iconic song and chest-thumping (Matthew McConaughey’s character in The Wolf of Wall Street) such a great relaxation technique? And why does Ranchoddas Chanchad’s song (Aamir Khan in 3 Idiots) “All is well” actually calm your system? All of these have scientific explanations, which I’ve tried to explore in this essay.

    ‘Mimicking safe signals’ can be called the “fake-it-till-you-make-it” approach.

    When we’re stressed, our body behaves in a particular way: heavy or fast breathing, high or low BP, fluid retention, inflammation,  constipation or loose motions, increased urination, slow metabolism, increased appetite, cravings for sugar or salt, and more.

    Under normal circumstances, once the stressor passes, the body resets. But in chronic stress, the body forgets how to return to baseline even if the trigger is gone. That’s when we have to help by sending calming physical signals back to the brain reminding it that the worst is over.

    To mimic safe signals, we do activities that stimulate the vagus nerve.

    The Role of the Vagus Nerve

    The vagus nerve, which starts at the base of the skull and runs to the abdomen, plays a key role in maintaining a sense of safety. Stimulating it tells the body, “All is well.”

    It’s affected by the five senses (touch, smell, taste, sight, sound). Vagus nerve stimulation and somatic exercises reduce stress by suppressing the sympathetic system and activating the parasympathetic nervous system.

    For clarity:

    Sympathetic Nervous System (Fight or Flight)

    • Activated during perceived threats or stress.
    • Prepares the body to confront or flee: increased heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, pupil dilation, increased blood pressure, and suppressed digestion.

    Parasympathetic Nervous System (Rest and Digest)

    • Dominates when the body is calm.
    • Slows heart rate, lowers blood pressure, enhances digestion, promotes relaxation.

    These two systems work in opposition to balance the body’s responses to stimuli and maintain homeostasis. When one is active, the other reduces activity.

    Neurotransmitters

    Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers whose job is to send signals between neurons. Stress significantly impacts the release and function of neurotransmitters.

    Acute stress initiates release of neurotransmitters like adrenaline and noradrenaline to initiate the “fight-or-flight” response, while chronic stress can lead to imbalances in neurotransmitter systems, potentially contributing to mood disorders and other health problems. This is mainly under the control of hormones like cortisol, whose level greatly increases under chronic stress.

    In this discussion, the main neurotransmitters are:

    1. Dopamine
    2. Serotonin
    3. Endorphins
    4. Oxytocin
    5. Nor-epinephrine

    There are various activities that can stimulate the vagus nerve and help signal safety to the body, helping it shift back to a calm, regulated state, both in the short and long term. These not only can help in increasing good neurotransmitters release responsible for better mood, but also decrease long term stress triggers like cortisol release in the body.

    1. Waking up Early And Slowly

    The biggest antidote to stress and anxiety is mindfulness. And one of the easiest ways to achieve it is by noticing your own movements. From my personal experience, being mindful of the moment and noticing your own movements means being slow. Not slow in terms of intelligence, but slow and intentional in your physical actions.

    Mornings set the pace for the whole day. And how calm your morning is affected greatly by the cortisol level, the stress hormone. During tough days, to maintain a sense of calm, it is important to find a way to mitigate effects of spiked cortisol in the morning.

    Hence, if you’re making tea in the morning, make it slowly, not through muscle memory, but with intention. While brushing your teeth, do it slowly, reaching the last molar, feeling the brush inside your mouth. When combing your hair, notice every hand movement and how the hair pulls against your scalp.

    And for all this we need time. How do we create time? By waking up earlier.

    You don’t jump out of bed. You sit up slowly, then gently place your feet on the ground. Feel the earth beneath your feet, barefoot. Sit like this for a minute or two. Then slowly walk out to the balcony, drawing room, or lobby, eyes still half-open. No rush. No thoughts. Just observe the morning and your breath.

    You’ll notice that just 10 minutes of this slowness, allowing your body and organs to wake up gently, can significantly reduce your anxiety, stress, and cortisol levels.

    Also, winding up your day early, eating dinner at least 3 hours before bedtime, has multiple benefits: improved digestion, darkness to support your circadian rhythm, and time for the body to recover after a long day.

    2. Having Breakfast

    One surefire sign of pent-up cortisol is a lack of appetite or zero hunger upon waking. This is one reason stress slows down metabolism and increases the risk of insulin resistance.

    Ideally, you should feel hungry within the first hour of waking. Even if you don’t, try to eat something within that hour. This creates a positive feedback loop and sets the tone for a healthy day.

    3. Chewing

    It’s said we should chew each bite 32 times to aid digestion and give the stomach enough time to signal when it’s full.

    But there’s another benefit: jaw movement stimulates the vagus nerve, helping to calm the body. Chewing gum, for example, is known to promote relaxation, not because of the gum, but because of the chewing action. Even pretending to chew can calm you down.

    Slow eating relaxes the body for several reasons:

    Eating itself is a positive stimulus. Fat in food releases dopamine, a happiness-related neurotransmitter. Taste and smell activate the vagus nerve, engaging the parasympathetic system (rest and digest), enhancing feelings of safety and relaxation.

    4. Breathwork

    Breathwork techniques are designed to stimulate the vagus nerve.

    You may have noticed that your breathing pattern changes when you’re stressed. Breathwork creates an outside-in feedback loop: if internal stress leads to shallow breathing, then mimicking deep, calm breathing from the outside can tell your body that all is well.

    Diaphragmatic breathing (also known as belly breathing or deep breathing), where you focus on expanding your belly with each inhale, activates the vagus nerve. This leads to reduced heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormone levels.

    5. Slow Walking in Nature / Exposure to the Color Green

    Our eyes are highly sensitive to green light, meaning it takes less effort for the brain to process it. Engaging the eyes stimulates the vagus nerve. It also connects to our ancestral brain where green means abundance, safety, and food, triggering a positive psychological response and promoting peace and harmony. The same goes for observing water bodies.

    A slow walk in nature, keeping green plants in your home or office, or regularly gazing at trees and greenery, positively impacts mental health. It helps decompress and regulate breathing.

    This is different from brisk walking. While fitness benefits from brisk walking or jogging, chronic stress requires slow walking. For a dysregulated nervous system, anything fast-paced is a stimulant and may lead to further dysregulation.

    6. Walking Barefoot on the Ground

    Walking barefoot helps with grounding and engages the sense of touch. Direct contact with the earth may also neutralize excess positive ions accumulated from electronic devices, pollution, and metabolic activity. This neutralisation potentially reduces stress and anxiety. The earth’s electrons act as natural antioxidants, reducing oxidative stress and inflammation.

    Stimulating nerve endings in the feet enhances blood flow throughout the body and is a gentle form of exercise that calms the mind.

    Going barefoot in large open spaces like temples is an instant grounding technique. These places often have high ceilings, wide open areas, and soothing or no sounds, creating an environment of calm.

    7. Chanting / Singing Aloud / Humming

    Chanting OM, making a “woo” sound, or humming (as done in breathwork or pranayama) all have a calming effect on the nervous system. When you’re emotionally spiraling, even humming a song can calm the brain. Gargling is also one of the ways to calm emotional turbulence.

    Singing or chanting aloud especially in a group regulates the nervous system and creates a sense of community, a crucial pillar for maintaining mental well-being.

    8. Somatic Exercises

    Here are simple somatic exercises you can do anytime, anywhere under a minute:

    • Rubbing ears and the area around them
    • Moving eyes side to side
    • Fast blinking
    • Filling your mouth with air (like a puffer fish or frog) and moving eyes side to side
    • Mimicking chewing by moving the jaw
    • Chest or shoulder tapping
    • Self-hug along with shoulder tapping
    • Whole body shaking or rebounding on feet
    • Deep breaths (Inhale 4 – Exhale 8)

    During or after these exercises, you may find yourself yawning, burping, swallowing, or sneezing, these are signs that your body is releasing stress. You can continue these activities until the stress response subsides. Initially, it may take about 5 minutes. Eventually, 1–2 minutes will be enough.

    Over time, with regular practice, your body may start releasing accumulated stress on its own, even without these exercises.

    Engaging Pre-Frontal Cortex

    Moreover, any activity that requires voluntary facial movement like intentionally touching your face, puffing your cheeks, or touching your eyebrows, engages the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking and decision-making.

    When we are agitated or highly emotional, the prefrontal cortex tends to disengage, which is why we may act irrationally in those moments. Engaging in intentional facial movements can help reactivate the prefrontal cortex, enabling us to calm down and make more rational decisions in the moment.

    Removal of toxins from body

    Now, let’s discuss our first approach to regulating the nervous system which is removal of toxins from the body.

    This primarily involves the movement of lymph.

    Anything that our body experiences and expresses is communicated through chemicals produced in the body. The feeling of happiness, for example, is linked to a specific neurotransmitter. The same goes for every other emotion. 

    Once the job of that chemical is done, it becomes a waste product or toxin that needs to be removed, just like we take out the trash from our homes daily. Usually it is done automatically by the body, but when the amount of stress is high and chronic, the body needs a little help.

    Apart from blood, the body has another essential fluid called lymph, which is managed through the lymphatic system. This system acts as the body’s drainage mechanism, collecting excess fluids, proteins, and waste products from tissues and returning them to the bloodstream.

    During stress, the body produces more waste and inflammatory molecules. The lymphatic system helps remove these, preventing fluid buildup and promoting well-being. 

    Specifically, lymphatic drainage massage can promote relaxation, reduce muscle tension, improve sleep, and boost immunity. It also helps reduce inflammation and cortisol levels by inducing relaxation. Therefore, toxin removal becomes crucial during long-term, high-stress situations.

    You might wonder why doesn’t lymph move automatically, like blood pumped by the heart?

    Because the lymphatic system doesn’t have a pump. It relies on movement and gravity to reach the desired points where it mixes with blood.

    Chronic stress and prolonged inactivity impair the lymph vessels, which hinders detoxification.

    Activities to remove toxins from body

    1. Inversions, gravity, and lymphatic drainage massage

    Children and active individuals have lower levels of stress-related diseases because regular body movement helps lymph flow and reduces inflammation.

    Lymph nodes are located in the neck, armpits, abdomen, and groin, making inverted postures and targeted massage important for stimulating lymph flow.

    Inversions also improve circulation by aiding venous blood flow from the pelvis to the heart, which sends it to the lungs for oxygenation. This improves oxygen intake and supports slower, deeper breathing.

    2. Body massage

    Touch and massage stimulate the vagus nerve, promoting relaxation. Massage also relieves muscle tension. Facial massage supports lymph movement and reduces bloating.

    3. Tapping/Body Shaking

    Tapping on joints, chest, shoulders, or lymph-node-rich areas helps lymph movement and stress release.

    Other approaches that support a calm mind:

    1. Exposure to cold temperature

    a. Cold represses the sympathetic nervous system and activates the parasympathetic system.

    b. It constricts blood vessels, followed by vasodilation, improving circulation and reducing inflammation.

    c. It increases dopamine, enhancing mood.

    d. It may reduce allergic reactions by lowering histamine production, which is heightened in high-stress bodies.

    Ways to expose the body to cold:

    • Cold baths, especially in the morning.
    • Cold rinses before bed, which cool the body, promote hygiene, and aid relaxation.
    • Bringing down temperature of the room when preparing to sleep
    • Splashing cold water on the face or sipping cold water when angry, which activates the parasympathetic system and clears the mind.
    • Holding or rubbing an ice pack on the face, neck, or shoulders, helps calm intense emotions quickly.

    2. Keeping your surroundings clean / Decluttering / Minimalism

    An anxious mind, especially a traumatized or dysregulated nervous system (e.g., postpartum moms, people with chronic illness or mental health issues), scans the environment for threats.

    A clutter-free, organized space is easier to scan and feels safer. Cultural conditioning also associates tidy spaces with better living standards. Thus, clutter can make people feel like they’re failing at life.

    That’s why spiritual places are often minimalistic and non-stimulating.

    3. Animals

    Animals aren’t stressed by the same situations as humans (e.g., job stress, breakups), making them great co-regulators.

    Since birth, our brains seek a calm nervous system to sync with. As adults, we still need calming partners. Dogs, cows, and other animals are known for this. Caring for a pet also provides a sense of purpose, especially helpful during depressive phases.

    4. Exercise/Lymph movement

    Lymph mixes with blood near the shoulders and arms. Moving these areas helps with drainage.

    Exercise also burns extra energy, regulates insulin, releases endorphins, improves sleep, and boosts energy.

    However, the type of exercise matters. Fast-paced workouts may worsen anxiety. In such cases, slow, intentional movements like a calm walk are more soothing. People with chronic mental health issues should ideally work with trauma-informed trainers.

    5. Healthy food

    A balanced diet is essential during stress. The body needs complex carbs and healthy fats (like omega-3s) to regulate stress responses.

    Protein provides amino acids, the building blocks of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. Vitamins C, D, and the B-complex group support immunity and mental health. They are terrific anti-oxidants.

    Probiotics and fermented foods help because gut bacteria influence neurotransmitter production. Imbalances in gut bacteria are linked to inflammation, mood disorders, and cognitive challenges.

    The gut also helps regulate cortisol. An unhealthy microbiome can disrupt this, raising stress levels.

    As under chronic stress, these nutrients would be depleted at a much faster rate than stress free times, it is essential to recuperate the body to come back to its natural calm state.

    Nutrient deficiency can worsen the chronic stress situation.

    6. Handwork

    Creative manual activities like painting, writing, chopping/cooking, knitting, crocheting, crafting, or pottery can calm the mind. Minimal machinery and hands-on work help you stay present.

    7. Other helpful tools:

    • Physical sports
    • Dancing/Yoga
    • Time with friends and family
    • Travel to serene, low-pollution places with lots of nature
    • Playing musical instruments (non-app based)
    • Physical touch like hugging, holding hands with people who you are close to

    8. Talking/Venting

    It is imperative to talk regularly to someone who believes you. Someone who can validate your experience. Even if they don’t have a solution, simply feeling understood by another person has a deeply calming effect.

    Having someone who sees that you’re hurting and responds with empathy can motivate you to heal and help you feel supported during difficult times.

    That’s why therapy can be so helpful for improving mental health. A trained practitioner can validate your experience and also guide you toward healing.

    In case a friend or therapist isn’t available, talking to a language model like ChatGPT can temporarily help calm your mind by offering a listening ear and reflective advice.

    9.Journaling

    Handwritten journaling offers many benefits. It not only helps with venting, clearing thoughts, and understanding your emotions, but the very act of writing also engages your senses, deepening the healing process.

    10. Community, purpose, charity, spirituality, gratitude

    A strong community of trustworthy people, a purpose to wake up for, and a long-term life vision greatly impact well-being.

    Even a modest, non-material goal can be motivating. Reading, being in a good company, volunteering, and traveling all add perspective and gratitude. Role models or beloved people (even animals or causes) can inspire us to keep going.

    Acts of kindness, helping others with no expectations, boost self-worth and positivity. They remind us that we matter.

    Sometimes people with mental health issues feel they have no value or that the world revolves entirely around them. Humble service can restore balance. It teaches us that we’re valuable, even if others don’t affirm it.

    Humility fosters joy and appreciation for life.

    In my view, true mental health requires engagement with philosophy, spirituality, and human psychology. You don’t need to go deep, but occasionally reflecting on life’s purpose and human behavior can offer powerful healing insights.

    Religion can offer a sense of community and purpose. Even for the non-religious, aligning with a cause bigger than oneself can bring deep meaning.

    In conclusion:

    Caring for your mental and physical health is worth the effort, it helps you live a more peaceful, fulfilling life.

    These practices are not substitutes for professional medical treatment, therapy, or medication. Not every method suits everyone. These ideas are based on personal experience and research; I’m not a licensed practitioner.

    They are simple, daily habits that support nervous system regulation and can complement other treatments, especially for stress-related lifestyle disorders.

    Always consult an expert before trying anything new, especially if you’re unsure. Let these tools inspire your own research. There’s plenty of expert-backed content available online and in books for further reading.

    Happy Living!!

  • The Painting Was Never Supposed to Be Neat

    In the workshop of life, you get a full palette of colors. Some are probably more abundant than others. The supply of every color keeps changing with the seasons of life.

    The brush is in your hand, and so is the choice which color to use, and how much.

    While painting on the canvas, you don’t worry about how much color will be left. You draw and use colors based on your imagination, your needs, envisioning what would make the final work beautiful.

    If you were to start saving or overusing a color, the painting wouldn’t turn out the way you expected.

    If someone told you or you read somewhere that your painting should have a lot of yellow, using it might not feel true to you.

    And sometimes, just by looking at someone else’s painting, you might feel inspired to add more brown, which ends up adding a kind of magic to your own work that you never even expected.

    In any case, if your painting is made based on suggestions and thoughts that don’t feel true or honest to you, then even if it looks beautiful, you may not fully connect with it because you compromised its authenticity. Your own imagination. Your own expectations.

    Isn’t that how the story of life is?

    Worrying about our emotions, our blessings, the resources we’ve been given.

    Worrying about what others tell us, how we’re supposed to live, what the final look of our life should be.

    What happiness should look like without ever asking ourselves.

    And when we go by what others say, or follow the conditioning that life is about perfection, we start worrying about emptying the containers of colors given to us and so we overuse them.

    And sometimes the scarcity scares us, and we start saving them because someone told us that using them will take our security away.

    Then they remain unutilized.

    Unlived.

    Hoarding never brought any joy.

    And that’s the point.

    There is a perfect ratio for this beautiful creation.

    You don’t disturb it by worrying about wastage or usage.

    But does everyone know what that perfect ratio is?

    I doubt it.

    Our life is an evolving piece of work.

    Based on our circumstances, the mix of colors we use keeps changing. Our imagination of the final look of the canvas keeps changing too.

    So what do we do? Should we worry about getting it right from the start?

    Probably we can’t.

    But what we can do is give it our 100%, make it 100% authentic, 100% ours.

    Use what is given to us by choice, not by someone else’s expectations.

    Like a painting, life remains fluid.

    Ever moving. Ever changing. Ever evolving.

    It doesn’t matter how efficient we were in the process of living it with our abilities, blessings, and circumstances.

    The point is:

    Do we like the final outcome of it?

    Do we feel ourselves in it?

    Nobody can tell me if my painting should have more green or yellow.

    Nor should I worry about the leftover orange.

    I’ll paint what my heart says.

    Even if it’s just black and white.

  • The Guru Syndrome: How Indians Outsource Emotional Work

    Why Indians Need a Guru / Religious Leader / Spiritual Guide / Cult Figure

    Indian ancestors figured out one thing for sure about themselves, we lack emotional honesty.

    And in the interest of future generations, they decided this weakness needed to be taken care of by someone Indians can’t shut down.

    Hence, the creation of gurus.

    Now please don’t confuse these with the actual enlightened gurus, the ones who guide you toward God.

    The gurus I’m talking about are those modern-day leaders who basically do the job of a therapist, tackling issues most Indians still fail to acknowledge as basic human needs:

    respect, trust, emotional safety.

    In India, there’s a deep-rooted belief that anything related to mental or emotional health should be hidden.

    Admitting it means you’re weak.

    We are masters at dissociation, denial, and drama, anything but having a calm, honest conversation to actually solve a problem.

    We play hide and seek with emotional wounds, thinking if we ignore them long enough, they’ll fix themselves.

    Our families live by an internalised rule:

    Stay in survival mode.

    True happiness doesn’t exist , only endless sadness, which (hopefully) death or pseudo-devotion to God might one day relieve.

    We’ve normalised sulking and complaining.

    We complain to each other, to ourselves, to the divine.

    We are a nation of issue-makers, not issue-solvers.

    Offer someone a solution, and they’ll reject it saying, “But it’s always been like this.”

    If someone dares to introduce a new mindset or healthier patterns, suddenly their dopamine crashes and cortisol dries up because where will they get the stress now to wake up at 4 a.m. and complain about how little they slept?

    Enter: the guru (read: thought leader / cult leader / religious mentor / spiritual coach).

    This person becomes your emotional spokesperson.

    They do the “difficult conversations” for you.

    They validate or invalidate your feelings.

    They might make you feel like the ultimate victim, or like a fool for being you.

    Either way, they often come with zero real solutions, just recycled wisdom, detachment sermons, and vague inspiration.

    In an ideal world, a true guru would help you navigate personal relationships, family matters, business dilemmas.

    Keep you aligned to dharma, kindness, ethics, and gently remind you to be a good human to others, animals, and yourself. They’d help you walk your path with peace and purpose.

    Sounds beautiful.

    But here’s the problem: most self -proclaimed gurus need help themselves.

    They aren’t therapists.

    Maybe they know scripture, sure, but that doesn’t mean they understand trauma, emotional safety, attachment wounds, or the complexity of human relationships today.

    They don’t push people to grow emotionally. They teach escapism.

    They offer band-aid advice, spiritual distractions, and avoidance tactics wrapped in fancy language.

    This not only stalls real growth, it actively damages relationships, and worse breaks people’s faith in both spirituality and common sense.

    People start to believe:

    “If even this wise person can’t understand me,

    then neither can my family, nor God.”

    The guru becomes a tool to bypass accountability.

    Parents use the guru to avoid answering their children’s questions.

    Spouses use the guru to avoid owning up to their role in conflict.

    But here’s the truth:

    Children don’t need gurus. They need emotionally available parents.

    And no matter how old you get, you remain God-like to your child.

    So don’t run from that responsibility.

    But what happens is, as parents age, they declare that “God is all that matters now.”

    Why?

    Because they avoided emotional healing all their lives and now feel it’s too late.

    So instead of trying to grow or make amends, they hide behind spiritual jargon and dump their mistakes on the guru’s feet.

    They call it maya and move on.

    And in doing so, either get emotionally abandoned by their children or continue to hurt them.

    The toxic cycle goes on.

    This isn’t limited to parent-child dynamics.

    Husband-wife relationships suffer too.

    Instead of talking to each other, people run to third parties who don’t have the emotional intelligence or context to truly help and end up complicating everything further.

    The result?

    Indirect WhatsApp statuses.

    Passive-aggressive Instagram stories.

    Cryptic posts about “being misunderstood.”

    A generation of dissociated, hurt, vulnerable people

    who don’t know how or where  to ask for real help.

    How to end this loop of helplessness?

    Parents, adults, please get used to having difficult conversations.

    That’s what being human means.

    It’s okay if someone tells you, “You hurt me.”

    It’s okay to say, “I’m sorry, how can we fix this?”

    It’s okay to not know what to say, but at least stay.

    If it feels too hard to sit with your emotions, please seek therapy.

    Individual, couple, family, whatever fits.

    There’s nothing wrong with learning how to navigate emotions.

    It’s a life skill.

    And no, we don’t just “figure it out”. We learn it, like anything else.

    The point of life is to live happily, as much as we can, without hurting others in the process.

    And that happiness takes work. It takes mutual learning, deep listening, and real effort.

    But it’s worth it.

    Because it brings peace.

    And isn’t that what we’re all ultimately chasing?

  • Cancerians: The Emotionally Intelligent Achievers

    (Born Between June 21 to July 22)

    Cancerians are perhaps one of the most fascinating zodiac signs. Often misunderstood as overly emotional or sensitive, they’re actually among the most complex and balanced personalities, masters at navigating both personal and professional worlds.

    In relationships, Cancerians can be a dream to be with. Caring, loyal, and deeply invested in the emotional well-being of their loved ones, they go far beyond the stereotype of being “just emotional.” They don’t just say things, they do.

    They’re also incredibly ambitious and hardworking. Many Cancerians are fiercely goal-oriented and take pride in excelling at what they do.

    The problem solvers

    What sets them apart is their deep desire to solve problems not just at work, but emotionally too. Even when they’re feeling stuck, their minds are quietly working on a way out. Before you’d suggest them to seek therapy for their mental health, they would already be done with 2 sessions.

    Ironically, this drive can sometimes lead them to suppress their feelings and throw themselves into work as a distraction. This emotional bypassing can eventually lead to burnout or numbness. So one of the most important lessons for Cancerians is to prioritize emotional healing just as much as their career.

    The overworked Cancerian

    They’re fully capable of balancing work and life, but only when things are going well. Their perfectionist tendencies often push them to put themselves last. They want to be the best at everything, and when things don’t go as planned, it can cause deep internal stress. Still, they rarely show it outwardly.

    Professionally, they maintain a composed and strategic front. They are always trying to hone their skills, and learn new things which makes them a wonderful asset to any organization.

    The social hero

    Their emotional intelligence also makes them loyal friends and nurturing partners. However, this can turn into overprotectiveness. And since they tend to hide their own emotions, they may sometimes come off as distant or cold. But beneath that exterior lies a heart that is always thinking of how to make life better for the people they care about. Their love is quiet, consistent, and powerful, even if it’s not always obvious.

    Cancerians are typically non-confrontational. They dislike loud fights or drama and value peace.

    Naturally diplomatic and wise, they thrive in people-centric careers,marketing, public relations, counseling ,anywhere their empathy and social skills can shine.

    In the head of a Cancerian

    At their core, Cancerians are deep thinkers. They overanalyze, reflect, and constantly seek meaning beyond the surface. Once they’ve checked the boxes of material success, they begin to search for something deeper like purpose, truth, fulfillment. They are always deeper than they seem to be, they may act humble but they have already made an opinion about things you haven’t even started thinking about.

    But this depth can sometimes be misread as arrogance. They hold themselves to high standards and expect the same of others, which might come across as controlling or distant. Despite being humble and helpful, they don’t always open up easily or engage in surface-level connections.

    The one who bounces back

    Because they give so much mentally, emotionally, spiritually, they’re vulnerable to disappointment when others don’t reciprocate. And even though they may not ask for help or show their wounds, they often carry silent emotional burdens.

    Still, Cancerians tend to know how to live well. They value stability, success, and reputation. They work hard to earn, maintain their image, and care for their health. They are gritty by nature.

    They are usually surrounded by many friends, though only a handful get close to their heart. Kind, helpful, and emotionally intuitive, they’re also smart enough to know when they’re being taken advantage of.

    They are natural leaders who are systematic, strategic, and excellent team players. They’re often great at research and analysis, thriving in intellectually stimulating environments. Many also excel in sports or physical health because they know how to care for their body and mind and have an ability to focus and train fiercely when required.

    The charming one

    They usually enjoy being quietly famous, admired by many because of their well rounded persona.

    Because they’re generally good at everything, you’ll find Cancerians succeeding in both athletic and academic fields. That doesn’t mean they never fail or fall sick, it just means they are gritty and determined. They don’t like staying stuck. They always find a way to move forward.

    Friendship and Social circle

    Cancerians are different from other sun signs, in terms of having a particular sense of people they want to be friends with. Cancerians are feelers, and they love talking, sharing their ideas and having conversations of all kinds. Hence, they need people who can keep up with their curiosity and are as diverse and keen as they are. They usually befriend people who are at least on the same IQ level, but definitely not less. They are also more civil and sophisticated than their surroundings and want to act in a way that doesn’t attract unwarranted and negative attention. They inherently always work on looking elegant and behaving more appropriately than where they come from.

    Hence they also tend to avoid people, who are always crying for attention through their behavior. If they love to be seen in public with you, then pat yourself, it’s an obvious reminder that you are better than you think. You have potential.

    The entrapment

    Their natural talent and strong work ethic often lead to success, and fame. But this ease of material accomplishment can become a trap. They may get caught in the success cycle and neglect their emotional needs or loved ones. That’s why it’s essential for them to slow down, enjoy the present, and spend time with people who matter without always thinking about the “next big thing.”

    Although Cancerians are not selfish, their mental priority list can make them appear that way. They’re headstrong and focused, but they still value input from those around them. They’re high on self-preservation and tend to avoid drama. Fun, but not at someone else’s expense. Idealistic, but grounded. They are particular about the principles they follow, and can’t be dissuaded easily.

    They’re also revolutionary in thought, natural thinkers who challenge outdated ideas and strive to improve life for themselves and their families. When it becomes too much, you will find them protesting on the roads. Yet they’re rarely reckless. You won’t usually find Cancerians engaging in risky behavior. They aren’t addicts or gamblers; they take calculated risks and tend to stick to their values.

    Love me or hate me

    In love, they can get possessive and insecure, but they never let those feelings damage the relationship. They’re not messy emotionally, they just love deeply. However, because there’s so much going on internally, sometimes you’ll need to earn their attention or ask for it directly. Passive-aggression or sarcasm won’t work, just be honest. If they sense they’re unwanted, they quietly retreat. They will give their loved one many chances but once they are done with the negativity, it’s over with them. You won’t want to be on the other side of that emotional detachment. It’s not that they’re vengeful, it’s that once they stop caring, they really stop.

    Their care may seem intense at times, but they’re skilled at reading social cues and usually won’t burden others. Even if they’re hurting, they won’t show it unless they feel safe.

    The curious one

    They are natural learners who love to explore the world, through travel, books, or conversations that open new ways of thinking. Their minds are curious, and their hearts are open. They have no attachment to outdated beliefs or habits that don’t serve them; in fact, they’re often the first to drop what’s flawed and move forward.

    Coconut Cancerian

    While they seem incredibly self-sufficient, Cancerians do need a solid emotional support system. Sometimes, it might feel like they lean on others just to recharge before diving back into their driven, professional world, but that’s only because they feel deeply and need emotional fuel to keep going. At their core, they’re sensitive souls masked as go-getters.

    World is their oyster

    They are also highly motivated by how the world perceives them. Whether it’s fashion, food, tech, or the latest trends within their area of interest, Cancerians love staying relevant not to show off, but to feel connected, capable, and part of something meaningful. They don’t chase attention; they chase alignment.

    In the end, Cancerians are quietly powerful. They might not always shout their strengths from rooftops, but if you pay attention, you’ll see them steadily building, deeply feeling, subtly leading, and always evolving. They’re the kind of people who make life richer through their loyalty, ambition, empathy, and silent determination to do right by themselves and those they love.

    And perhaps that’s what makes them so unforgettable.

    The negatives

    An unhealed Cancerian can come off as emotionally selfish and distant. They speak less, often opening up only to those they feel deeply connected to, and when that connection fades, so does their warmth. Rather than express what’s wrong, they shut down, making others feel unseen despite their efforts. Their emotional intelligence may still be present on the surface, but deep down, they’ve already withdrawn. Over time, they may become completely inaccessible.

    Also, because they are particular about knowledge and behaviour in general, if in the long term, one tends to behave inappropriately and if a cancerian has started to feel embarrassed because of you, they might avoid hanging out with you. They are rigid about outward presentation like that and can’t just be casual about it.

    Word of advice:

    Dear Cancerian,

    You already carry so much with grace, grit, and quiet resilience. You’re not “just emotional,” you’re deeply strategic with a radar for what people feel but won’t say. That’s your gift and your weight.

    So here’s your reminder: You don’t have to carry everything. Let some things unfold without micromanaging the outcome. Let love be light sometimes, not a responsibility to fix. And please feel without always needing to find a solution. You don’t need to earn rest. You don’t need to be useful all the time to be worthy of joy.

    Nourish your own inner world, not just others’. You are allowed to be messy, dreamy, and just be, without an agenda. You’re not failing if you slow down. You’re healing.

    Disclaimer

    This post is meant to be a light-hearted and fun exploration of Cancerian traits based on sun sign astrology. It is not intended to hurt, stereotype, or generalize anyone. We are all unique, and astrology is just one lens among many to understand personality. Please take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy it in the spirit it’s written-with curiosity and good humor!

  • Aquarians: The Quiet Center of the Room

    (Born between January 20 and February 18)

    Aquarians are some of the most intriguing people you’ll meet. At first glance, they may seem like they’re quietly standing in a corner distant, reserved, maybe even a little aloof. But make no mistake, they’re very much in the center of the room.

    They have an effortless way of making meaningful connections, despite how quiet or introverted they may appear. Truth is, they’re not really introverts, they just take time to warm up, observe, and feel the energy around them before jumping in.

    What makes them magnetic is their humility. Aquarians are usually very smart and sharp thinkers who pick up on subtle cues but they never flaunt it. This makes them surprisingly approachable, even though they’re extremely selective about who they truly let in.

    From the outside, this can seem like judgment, but it’s not. They’re simply reserved. If they don’t speak to you, it isn’t personal, it’s just that the energy isn’t aligning. But if you’re in their circle, consider yourself lucky.

    Aquarians are loyal, protective, and genuinely caring. They won’t invade your space, but they do want to be part of your inner world. If they like you, you’ll feel it, they’ll show genuine interest in your life, ask questions, and want to know your story.

    They are the friends who will be there to hide the body, all ready with crazy ideas how not to get caught too.

    In Work and Leadership

    Professionally, Aquarians are impressive. They’re great at seeing the bigger picture and picking up ideas from everyone around them. This makes them powerful team leaders, especially if they consciously work on being more approachable. Sometimes, their expression or body language can make them seem uninterested, which might push others away.

    But it’s not that they aren’t intelligent or capable, it’s just that they’re not always emotionally invested in small talk or social niceties. Still, when they do tune in, they know how to gather ideas, process them, and come up with one clear, thoughtful direction for the team.

    They’re humble too and the kind of leader people come to for help. Even if they seem like they don’t know much because they tend to not to brag a lot, they usually do know more.

    At times, they can seem a bit lazy or avoidant but it’s not because they don’t care. They just need rest. They value rest deeply and retreat often to recharge, which helps them maintain their internal equilibrium.

    Aquarians also enjoy being in the spotlight, but not by pushing others out of the way. They’re the kind of people who end up in the center without even trying because of their originality, insight, and calm charisma.

    Quirks, Longings, and Hidden Softness

    Aquarians have a soft spot for classy, elegant, even slightly eccentric things. They are oddly drawn to people who are their complete opposites who are confident, risk-taking, rebellious souls who do what Aquarians only think about doing. Because yes Aquarians long to be rebels. But they aren’t natural at it. They don’t stray from their inner rules easily. That’s why they often admire those who can break the mould. Deep down, they crave that same freedom.

    They don’t particularly crave attention, and if they’re secure within, they’re fine being out of the spotlight. Their high self-belief keeps them grounded. But even then, they need their circle, people they love, their anchor to remind them of their greatness.

    Because underneath all that poise and quiet confidence, Aquarians are kind of goofballs. They can get insecure in weird, materialistic ways like worrying about not keeping up with trends or success markers and they need someone to tell them it doesn’t matter. They’re innocent like that.

    Some Aquarians may try to be manipulative, but they’re often too nice and simple to pull it off. If they attempt to control outcomes, they’re usually caught off guard. They’re more likely to sabotage themselves than others especially when they don’t show up for the relationships they care about. That’s where their selfish streak shows up: not in hurting others, but in unintentionally neglecting what matters to them.

    They are thinkers and stubborn ones. Sometimes they can’t differentiate right from wrong because they’re lost in their own logic. But push them into a corner, and they’ll quietly slip away.

    When you hurt an Aquarian

    Aquarians won’t give up on people or show their cruel side, they just crawl back into their shell when they are hurt by someone. The other person won’t even realize things have changed. For this reason, Aquarians could be called as a soft sign, because they let people take chances to change. They understand human beings are full of flaws, and they are the people who would be first to forgive. But it also doesn’t mean they can’t tell when they are being manipulated, it’s just they avoid being hard hearted.

    For them this hardness is not worth it.

    They don’t dwell in revenge seeking etc, they prefer to live a better life than thinking about those who hurt them.
    They won’t fight to fix a barren relationship, they’ll use that energy to grow something better elsewhere. They’re not here to fight battles or prove a point.

    They’re here to live meaningfully, to make you pause, and remind you of the beauty in the little things.

    All in all

    Aquarians are innocent, smart, and paradoxical souls. They want to be free but often follow quiet self-made rules. They appear strong but are full of insecurities. They don’t want to hurt or be hurt. They are fun-loving pranksters with deep thoughts, quiet doers who pull off big moves when no one’s looking.

    They need encouragement, security, love, and space and in return, they’ll give you loyalty, perspective, and that rare kind of love that protects without smothering.

    They may take time to open up, but once they do, you’ll realize you’ve met someone unforgettable.

    When thinking of attending an event where you need to be all serious, avoid sitting with them. They have a habit of making everything nonserious when they are with their friends.

    The negatives

    An unhealed Aquarian may leave, not always physically, but emotionally, when a situation no longer serves them. They’re not necessarily cheaters, but they tend to detach quickly rather than stay and struggle.

    Because they value freedom and self-defined logic, they can sometimes justify selfish choices, overlooking emotional consequences. Their moral compass is often shaped more by personal desire than by traditional values, which can make them appear emotionally distant or inconsistent in relationships.

    Word of advice


    Dear Aquarian,
    You often feel like you’re observing life from a slightly elevated place, not above others, but just elsewhere. You think in patterns, dream in ideals, and live in questions. That makes you rare. But sometimes, it also makes you lonely.

    Don’t let your independence turn into isolation. Your mind is brilliant, but don’t let it silence your heart. People may not always “get” you right away but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong. You don’t have to soften your edges to be loved but do let others near them. Let someone in, even if they can’t match your pace or depth.

    You don’t need to prove your uniqueness, it’s already there. What you might need more is permission to feel, to stay, to let intimacy evolve slowly. You’re not here just to challenge norms, you’re here to experience life, not hover above it.

    Let your intellect serve connection, not replace it.

    Disclaimer:

    This post is meant to be a light-hearted and fun exploration of Aquarian traits based on sun sign astrology. It is not intended to hurt, stereotype, or generalize anyone. We are all unique, and astrology is just one lens among many to understand personality. Please take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy it in the spirit it’s written-with curiosity and good humor!

  • Seeing the Driver Within: Self-Awareness as a Way of Life

    This is an essay about something we hear daily, in every motivational video, every honest podcast, even in conversations with friends, partners, or children.

    It’s self-awareness.

    Everyone talks about it, but few truly engage with it. It’s often mistaken for a punishment , considered a burden, a summit to conquer, a painful confrontation with the self.

    People assume self-awareness is anti-ego, a punch to one’s pride.

    How can I have issues? Aren’t I a decent human being? Why should I worry about how my behavior affects others? Am I not troubled by them too?

    We tell ourselves, “We can just move past it. Forget it. Shove it. Drink on it. Sleep on it. Everything but deal with it? Why bother?”

    We’ve built a culture of zero accountability. A myth that our personalities are fixed at birth, that children act out because it’s in their genes, that adults are how they are because God made them that way. So why change? Why even try?

    I believed these things once. But then I learned.

    There’s extensive research on this, human behavior isn’t just a random trait; it’s largely acquired. Yes, acquired, not “owned,” not “innate.”

    Our behaviors are deeply influenced by:

    1. Where and when we were born – the country, the city, the traditions, the safety or danger level of our environment.
    2. Our family structure – how we were raised, whether the home was loving or dysfunctional, healthy or chaotic.
    3. Financial conditions and parental health — how much stress existed in the house, how much care children received.
    4. Education and peer groups — the kind of schooling and societal pressures we were exposed to.
    5. Safety and trauma — including exposure to crime, abuse, or neglect.

    Even in good homes, other subtle forces shape us:

    1. The food we eat, the boundaries set, the moral values passed on.
    2. Whether we were taught to handle emotions or suppress them.
    3. If we had access to safe adults or relied on friends and media for guidance.
    4. If we were encouraged to ask questions or silenced for being difficult.

    And then there are the negatives:

    1. Did we grow up in chaos and develop coping mechanisms just to survive?
    2. Were we expected to raise ourselves – or worse, our parents and siblings?
    3. Were our choices constantly shamed, our emotions dismissed, our voices unheard?
    4. Did we watch our caregivers ignore their health, never take breaks, or suppress their own feelings with addictions?

    Hence, even the tiniest patterns in daily life come from this early conditioning. A child who was never nurtured may grow up not knowing how to care for themselves.

    Whether you take a bath every day or not , yes, even that, might trace back to your upbringing.

    Children who weren’t taught how to deal with emotions may end up looking fine on the outside, but are numbing on the inside. They might throw themselves into books, sports, or art, not out of passion, but as a survival technique.

    Others may go down darker paths like addiction, crime, or dangerous behavior. Some are calling for attention. Others are trying to silence their own minds.

    But all of them need guidance – until at least the age of 25 – to make sense of life.

    As adults, our personalities ,be it good and bad, are shaped by these early scripts.

    They influence our career choices, relationships, addictions, emotional patterns, even how we handle food, rest, or routine.

    So does this mean we’re off the hook? Not at all.

    It means: if someone asks you to look into your behavior, take a pause. Don’t defend or attack. Reflect.

    If you grew up in a home with an unstable food situation, you might now overeat, undereat, cling to certain foods, or feel disconnected from food altogether. That’s not shameful. It’s a story. A root.

    And self-awareness means noticing it, not blaming yourself for it.

    You can still have personal preferences, but if a behavior is hurting you or your relationships, wouldn’t it help to understand why?

    Self-awareness is not an apology letter. It’s not a TED Talk you deliver to everyone around you.

    It’s a personal manual you quietly update. It means you choose knowledge over ignorance, introspection over projection.

    It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else. It just makes you a work-in-progress, like all of us.

    It creates space for kindness, because once you see a trait in someone, you begin to ask: “What story does this belong to?” Instead of judging, maybe we offer a little grace.

    And even if we decide to step back, we don’t carry resentment.

    This isn’t abstract talk. Self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools we have to live an intentional life. In tough times or big decisions, a little backtracking into our behavioral roots can change the game.

    And if we can’t decode it ourselves , that’s why professionals exist.

    But we must understand: self-awareness is an investment. Its effects are subtle, but lifelong.

    It won’t transform you overnight, but it will transform your life.

    And if, as families or communities, we begin to live this way, the ripple effect would be magical. A near-utopia.

    Imagine if we truly understand ourselves. We’d know our emotional switches. We’d know what version of us needs to show up, and when.

    We’d respond, not react.

    We wouldn’t be living on autopilot. We’d be manually cruising.

    And how cool is that?

  • May Be We Meet Again: Parallel Lives and the Journey of the Soul

    We live under the illusion of closeness, but perhaps no two souls ever truly meet. We orbit, we intertwine, we collide in emotion, in time, in memory, yet remain untouched at the core.

    Like parallel lines, we move close enough to feel fused, yet never lose our separateness.

    Love, friendship, marriage and even ‘bhakti’/devotion to god ,they promise union. But is union ever real, or is it a longing? 

    A dream of dissolving into someone else, only to return to ourselves more aware of the space that separates?

    In the dance of destiny, maybe it’s not about merging but witnessing, walking beside, never within. The ache we feel isn’t always from disconnection, but from the illusion that connection must erase the self.

    The geometry of relationships

    As children, we seek fusion. We want to be held so closely that there is no boundary between us and the world.

    But adulthood demands a quiet reckoning: that no matter how deeply we love, how long we stay, or how fiercely we feel, we remain distinctly ourselves. 

    This is not a failure of connection, but perhaps its highest form, to be known without vanishing, to be loved without dissolving.

    Relationships then become less about becoming one, and more about walking parallel, close, attuned, affected, yet sovereign.

    Romantically, we often chase the fantasy of completion. When we fall in love, there’s a hunger, to be engulfed, or to engulf.

    We want to devour and be devoured, physically and emotionally. 

    But even the most intense love can end in a painful fallout. Hearts shatter. The pain feels irreparable, and sometimes, maybe it is. Yet even if there is no falling out, even when passion is shared, yet there is a feeling of emptiness. 

    It feels even after pouring your cup completely, something in you still remains, untouched, undisturbed, unspilled.

    And that what remains is the ‘I’ which never loses itself, no matter how much we try to give it away.

    Sometimes we come across those friendships that make us believe we can’t function without the other. We cling. We depend. Our happiness and sadness depend on the existence of others.

    These siamese twins are not conjoined physically, but in emotion.

    And then the lore of marriage. The popular belief that marriage is the goal which will lead to the bliss that everyone has the right to. But even when love fades in a marriage, we hold onto the belief that this person is our eternal anchor, still our savior, the messiah. 

    And despite this yearning and this effort to keep the relationship intact, this bond frays, the warmth goes away. The hope to attain this ultimate bliss quietly diminishes.

    We may emotionally be hanging on by a thread, even if, officially, the relationship stays intact.

    When I try to reach God

    Spiritually, when we speak of merging with a higher power or becoming one with all, this idea rests on a profound paradox. In non-dual traditions like Advaita Vedanta and certain schools of Buddhism, the individual soul is not separate from the ultimate reality, it is the higher power. The boundaries between “I” and “other” dissolve; there is only oneness. 

    The self is seen as an illusion, and awakening means realizing that soul and divine are one and the same. Probably this is where our present form of amorous love takes inspiration from.

    At the same time, dualistic traditions such as Sufism and Vaishnavism speak of an eternal coexistence with the divine, where the soul remains distinct yet forever united with the ultimate source of love.

    In these paths, the “I” does not disappear but lives in a loving relationship with the beloved, the divine, never losing its identity even in transcendence.

    This tension, the paradox of unity and individuality, deeply shapes the spiritual journey. 

    How can personal bliss flourish when the self both dissolves into oneness and yet must remain distinct? 

    The very essence of personal joy and love seems to depend on the presence of a unique “I.”

    Is there an absolute answer?

    True bliss is found not in choosing between these different spiritual views but in embracing their coexistence: being one with everything, coexisting amicably with everything and also the one, yet profoundly oneself. 

    It is the delicate dance of merging and standing apart, finding peace in the mystery that the self can be infinite and intimate all at once.

    And that brings me to the metaphor of parallel lines. Lines that are impossibly close, running together for infinity, and yet, never meeting.

    This, I feel, is the nature of all human connection. We may walk side by side, but we do not merge. Our identities never fully dissolve.

    The “I” always remains

    I may give you everything but still something in me remains, which is mine, forever. And even I can’t erase it.

    Even the most submissive among us still carries an “I” that wants to exist. 

    Romantically, this realization may feel melancholic, never to melt into one with a soulmate.

    But spiritually, it’s almost magical, to feel union, while still remembering who we are.

    If there were no individuality, how would we even experience oneness?

    The vastness of ‘I’

    This sense of “I” is not ego. It’s awareness. The I that chooses relationships or the path to eternal bliss.

    It’s the part that lets us appreciate connection without losing selfhood.

    If I extend this back to earthly relationships, it challenges the fairytale endings that were sold.

    Passionate love is supposed to mean becoming one, souls merging, personalities entwined. But maybe the real bliss comes from preserving awareness. 

    Of being two individuals, consciously choosing to flow together, not disappear into each other.

    The need to understand ‘I’

    At the risk of sounding too rational, sometimes, logic is the gateway to emotional and spiritual freedom. 

    The more I become aware of myself, the more clearly I can hear what my soul longs for, and move toward it, until it’s within reach.

    To understand this ‘I’, one needs inner work, spiritual and psychological. To let go of the ego which inhibits understanding of oneself, a deterrent in attaining true happiness. 

    When we make enough effort to realize who we are and what we want, it’s easier to decide which path to take to reach the ultimate goal that we have defined for our life.

    The evolving journey of ‘ours’

    The takeaway for me is this, life is a personal journey. Not necessarily alone, but always individual. You may want to consume someone, or be consumed. But you never truly can. 

    We co-exist, just like parallel lines. Sometimes infinitesimally close. Sometimes drifting apart. 

    And sometimes, like in non-Euclidean geometry, paths that were never aligned might finally meet, after an eternity.

    And maybe that’s the quiet beauty of it all. In a world where nothing truly fuses, we still reach. 

    That despite the certainty of separation, we still choose to walk, to witness, to love.

    That even if our paths never truly intersect, the nearness of another soul becomes its own kind of grace. 

    We orbit one another, not to complete, but to reflect, to remind, to remember that we were never meant to vanish into someone else, but to fully arrive in ourselves, again and again, alongside those who do the same.

    Perhaps we were never meant to merge, only to meet, like light through glass. Just passing through, never clinging, casting something beautiful in its wake.

  • The Roles We Play-The People We Forget

    She stood in the kitchen, not because she loved to cook, but because being a wife meant she had to. He fixed the pipe, not because he was good at it, but because being a man meant he had to. 

    Beneath their roles, they were just tired people longing to be seen.

    Why do we choose to live as roles instead of just us? 

    Roles that we inherit due to our birth, that are assigned to us or based on what we want to be in a personal relationship, where we come from, our gender , and even our caste or race.

    We don’t just inherit roles, we crave love through them. As a child, we wish our parents would see us beyond performance. As adults, we carry that wish into marriage, friendships, and families. But instead of intimacy, roles offer scripts.

    Because it seems as though we’ve forgotten that beneath these roles, there’s a human being trying to make sense of the world, struggling to keep up with expectations and standards that are not their own, but set by others.

    One instance of our prejudice about roles is menial work. Blue-collar work is not respected as much in India because people are seen for the work they do, not for the human they are. 

    We fail to recognize the privileges we have and how they shape the way we interact with others in a society.

    The emotional burden of performance

    One of the things growing up I have always resented is how easily anybody is insulted when they are not doing the job intended for them as per the standard set by the society, beyond the salary or money involved, but sometimes including that too.

    We are reduced to tasks, roles, and duties, based on time, tradition, culture, location, and gender and are judged by how well we fulfill the expected roles, and this judgment is constant. 

    There’s no room for understanding the complexities of a person’s life or the struggles they face. 

    Instead, we’ve built a system where anyone can become a judge, offering critiques and shame without empathy. 

    The masks we wear

    It’s almost as if every person is a machine, expected to perform at the same level of efficiency and productivity without deviation, without room for humanity. 

    I wonder who said ‘we are all born unique’!

    And when someone doesn’t meet these expectations, it’s easy for society to point the finger. 

    But when those same judges are asked to look inward and examine their own flaws, the room falls silent. 

    Bubbles in my head

    These accountability questions lead to a cycle of shame, hurt, and dejection in the heart of the person who was busy judging others but never tried to take a look inside. 

    People feel as though they’re never good enough, that they’re failing at a role something they never even chose to play. 

    They seek acceptance, to be seen beyond their roles. They want someone to tell them it’s okay to not be perfect. 

    They want someone to tell them not to be so harsh to themselves. But more often than not, society offers no space for such grace.

    Despite this core desire of being accepted for who they are without being shamed for their perceived inefficiencies, the hurt and imperfect people cover this shame, and dejection because yes, maybe they are “so weak and inefficient’, because that’s how deep the conditioning is.

    Or they would turn these complex feelings into anger, that nobody is willing to help them or understand them yet are willing to judge them.

    So they build a chasm, or they become a doormat.

    They are willing to be treated like the worst person as their punishment, or they are willing to wear the strongest emotional armour so that nobody and nothing, no warmth and love, can pass through it.

    The fixation on structure v/s desire to flow

    This brings me to a bigger question: Why do we care so much about roles? 

    Why is it that our relationships, our entire way of living, is based on these predetermined expectations? 

    Is it a trust issue? Do we believe that if we don’t define everything, love and care won’t flow naturally? 

    Why do we prioritize tradition over genuine expressions of love, even when it suffocates us? 

    Why do we feel trapped by expectations from people who may not even love us?

    Unless there is some psychological reasoning behind it, for example, parents have to take care of the young ones because young ones are dependent on adults, hence they can’t worry about the child’s expression of love towards them, there is no room for discussion on why we have to continue to keep living up those roles which feel more like a burden.

    Putting my thinking cap on

    Shouldn’t expectations from the role we play in our relationships as adults should be on the basis of how the person is, rather than pre writing, pre-ordaining it?

    Because it puts the onus on the person themself, whether they want to be in that role or not, instead of society thrusting their traditions on them. There is a greater accountability in their behavior, should they choose to be in a certain role/relationship.

    For example, in modern married couples, both partners work. Why should gender roles still define who does the housework and who works outside?

    Why can’t the husband cook because he’s better at it, or the wife handle the finances because she’s better at it? 

    Haven’t we progressed enough to have a mature discussion with our partners and parents about how we would like to lead our life?

    Why do we still need religion and tradition to tell us if we are falling short of our own responsibilities, or what living a healthy relationship should look like?

    What exactly is missing?

    Is it education? Or is it critical thinking? Is it the belief that humans don’t or can’t change?

    Maybe some people should be left alone because they don’t want to take any responsibility. Society has to expect not everyone is born to build a family.

    The rigged system- Role inequality in marriage & family

    This also leads to another dilemma, why should everybody have the same set of roles and responsibilities to live up to, against their will?

    For instance, why should people be forced to marry if they are really not interested in sharing that ideology with anyone? What for them marriage should be just a label and they still live their life like when they were unmarried, without any burden? 

    Why should every couple marry, if they are happily making it work without a label? Why should monogamy be the norm for a couple if the couple is okay with polygamy or open relationships, or many other new formats out there? 

    Why should every person grow up with this notion that they will get a partner despite making zero efforts in becoming a good match? 

    Why should every couple think about becoming a parent just because society expects them to? 

    Why can’t friends raise a family together, and still date outside?

    Why should only the husband have to worry about finances and a house, why raising kids should be a concern for the mother only? Why is birthing the only way to become a parent? 

    Why aren’t people with pets acknowledged as a family?

    Why do people inherently think they will automatically have the right to their parents’ property or partner’s hard work, despite being an abuser to them? 

    Why should society decide how adult children take care of their parents? Why only daughters leave their house after marriage, why not the couple choose where they would like to live and how to take care of each other’s family? 

    Why is adoption looked down upon, even if the couple is able to conceive? Why adopt only neurotypical children? Why parents aren’t encouraged to adopt disabled or neurodivergent or special children?

    Why should a couple be told how many kids they should birth and what their gender should be? Why can’t a mother choose whether she wishes to work or not after having children or whether she wants to halt her career for raising kids? 

    When would it end?

    When a man and woman get married, the woman is expected to know cooking, house chores, and caretaking of elderly and children by default. It is never considered whether she is even interested in cooking, or caretaking or how skilled she is. 

    She is expected to cook and do house work like a professional, whereas for the same work there are professional degrees out there and men are at the helm of all these fields. 

    Men get the medals for performing best at these jobs which are basically domestic work for a woman, but a woman is never appreciated for the similar hard work she puts in to make a house, a family work.

    It’s said she’s born to be a slave (read wife and a mother) and shouldn’t complain.

    The husband has to know how saving works, and bring home the maximum amount of salary and financial freedom without understanding whether he is skilled to do that.

    He should do the heavy physical work of the house, be the alpha, and be aggressive. He also should be ready to fire a punch when required, and has to be the engineer, plumber, carpenter and mechanic of the house. 

    He has to put his personal goals aside, to meet the family goals always. A man’s life is about providing, he can’t dream of pursuing anything for his soul while taking care of his family.

    He can’t ask his wife to take care of the finances, should he feel not strong or inclined enough.

    The man is ridiculed for being soft and emotional and if pursues art as a hobby. He is made fun of if talks about emotions and self care.

    His identity is defined by the hours he spends at work, and the money he brings in. He would be shamed if he is dependent on his wife financially or if she earns more than him.

    A man is not a human being, but money making machine and free of cost handy-man for life.

    He also has to be on his masculine side always and if as a husband is warm to his wife and as a father is caring for his children, then he is made fun of like he is being too soft to be called a man. 

    Men can’t be feminist, else according to the society they’d lose their masculinity. Men can’t be non violent too, because that means they are just weak.

    If a husband chooses to earn less or looks less physically appealing than her wife, like shorter height, then society keeps reminding the couple how the wife is at the losing end.

    In the same breath, if the wife is less pretty, is not good at housework, tends to fight for her rights, has a voice and is a feminist (as they say it), then she is continuously reminded she is not the ideal partner her husband should get. 

    The best wife is a submissive kind who has no rights and voice of her own.

    When the wife expects financial support from the husband apart from the house expenditure, then she is ridiculed that she is supposed to sacrifice and made to feel like a burden and a money waster. 

    Whereas a husband can bring any number of guests to cater to and the wife should be ready to put up with a smile at any time of the day because of what the role demands.

    But the husband can say no to any demand in the name of only earner hence decision maker of the house, even after being aware that wife has no other avenue and time to earn money.

    Men are made the alpha, with only the criteria of money, without assesing how well they are taking care of their family.

    A wife is only custodian of the money that her husband earns, she can’t ask for an allowance, in fact she has to think before asking, else she will be ridiculed for being a spent thrift and called greedy. She is expected to never save and can be asked for her assets or jewellery to be sold at any point, without her consent. 

    This has already created dual pressure on women these days, to be a perfect homemaker and excellent at office work too. She can’t think of not earning, because whenever she will need money, she’d be made to feel like a beggar.

    This is the female empowerment, to save oneself from the insult. Instead of teaching men their responsibility and healthy mindset about it, women have to figure it out themselves.

    Women have to overperform to be heard, to be safe, to be respected. Not because they are weak, but because the system was never built to protect them, only to contain them. 

    Also, only a man’s work is valued because it is economically productive yet on the other side, the man is not supposed to enjoy any family bliss and has to spend his days only providing for family. 

    The number of hours and the hard work both the partners are putting in to make the family work are not accounted for equitably.

    Sometimes, I actually wonder is patriarchy even beneficial to men? Wouldn’t feminism actually empower them ?

    The cycle of pain goes on

    Parents have to be always on the providing end and children take no responsibility as adults, especially if parents are not able to.

    Parents are unwilling to adjust and change their lifestyles as per their adult children’s capacity, leading to tension between both the generations. 

    ‘It was your job to raise us’, that’s what parents get to hear. Or ‘we did so much for you, yet you complain’, told by parents to their children.

    These are the normal discourse between adult children and parents, where no side is willing to take any accountability of their behavior and how they could be hurting one another.

    All these scenarios, just indicate one side sacrificing their heart and body out and other reaping benefits of the love the other person is pouring, without any accountability.

    What starts as a tired sigh in the kitchen or a quiet resentment at work soon reveals a larger pattern. These aren’t personal failures. They’re systemic expectations. And they shape every household, every marriage, every mind.

    Disadvantages of preset roles and responsibilities

    People take advantage of the system, and repent despite falling short of that role. 

    For example in a lot of family disputes, adults who are not even properly taking care of their old parents, harass them for money and property. 

    In many marriages, one partner exploits the other in the name of the traditional role set by the society. A husband who doesn’t contribute financially still expects his wife to do all the housework with grace and might even push her for earning.

    A wife who is not interested in taking care of her side of duties, makes a big deal when her husband doesn’t support her financially.

    Men expecting dowry and women dragging and blackmailing men in the name of women’s rights to get alimony is the new trend.

    Societal rigidity vs personal choice

    All of these issues, according to me, could be resolved, if people just accepted their shortcomings and had an honest conversation about what they want from that relationship. 

    It shouldn’t be about this is how things have been done till now but more about this is what i’m able to offer, and is the other one agreeing to accept that.

    I am my own enemy

    The problem is people associating their behavior with their role, instead of assessing their own actions, they tend to maintain a report card of every other person.

    It seems, we are completely driven by ego, not by love. 

    We just don’t want to be blamed, yet in that process if we lose peace and happiness, then that’s okay.

    People tend to have a fair idea about where the other person is falling short and why they need to be ridiculed for being inefficient.

    But if you truly ask them, “why do you think the other person is inefficient?”, they have some brazen responses which include shaming people, calling them lazy, selfish, manipulative, and cruel.

    And if you ask them why they themselves are falling short in their own role, then they’d give you a laundry list of reasons, which eventually means, cut them some slack and not bother with judgment, have some pity on them.

    The abyss within

    All in all, the discussions are always futile because you can never reach a consensus point with someone who is unwilling to have a real discussion about themselves and those who are unwilling to extend grace to others.

    This always makes me wonder why there are such major trust issues in all of our relationships.

    And then I observe, during their childhood, none of these people were extended any grace or honesty or space to be themselves.

    So today, they struggle to name their feelings and emotions.

    They are scared of those big feelings, which stop them from performing their ideal tasks.

    They have learnt to cut corners and manipulate emotions to always have the upper hand in that toxic relationship.

    Instead of fixing the issues, they feel ashamed of discussing how they are struggling in some area of their life.

    They struggle and scoff at asking for help because since childhood the message was: you are weak if you are feeling sad and hurt, you are weak if you need a shoulder to cry on.

    They shame those who try to seek help and fix their relationships. Their answer to everything is ‘just drop this and move on’ or ‘who cares if anybody is hurting, as long as we are happy’.

    We have absolutely no awareness about what emotional stability, and processing is.

    We only care about emotional resilience, which should be automatic to every human being, which today, research has clearly stated, is a skill taught by parents.

    There’s light at the end of this tunnel

    So I will extend the grace, despite being disappointed that people don’t try to fix their relationships.

    I will pity them because they haven’t understood there is a better way to live out there.

    The least we can do as a society is to believe people are trying really hard and they still need to be celebrated. 

    We can motivate them to be something more, but never shame them for who they are, vehemently trying to achieve, yet failing in the eyes of society.

    In the USA, when homeless people were given a home like normal people for six months with no questions asked, they were able to integrate back into society more easily, because it was easy for them to feel normal. They didn’t feel they were homeless.

    I guess the same thinking we need here.

    We need to tell people that you are loved despite your shortcomings, but they have to stop hurting people in the name of a role.

    A hope for future

    There is a need to understand what we are supposed to be as humans: just nice and kind people who don’t treat others like doormats. 

    We also need to understand when it’s a privilege to be born in a certain way be it gender or caste or physical appearance or to find oneself in a certain role, without much effort, enjoying its benefits.

    And not to ridicule others who are trying their best despite all odds, trying to earn the role that you easily received without being grateful about it.

    At this point of civilization, with so much knowledge and experience and the pain of pandemics, natural disasters and wars and looming dangers of climate change, let’s try to find the value of human life as is, without the fear that we are here to hurt each other, rather to be loved by one another.

    Additional thoughts to munch on

    Professionally, all good organizations give a long grace period for people to try. And since it’s a corporation, it will ask you to let go if after some time you are not meeting the job requirements. 

    But it does give you a training period or even before firing, a chance to up your skill, to try to live up to the role you chose to take. Some organizations give a chance to change departments, should a person feel a lack of interest or want to hone their skills in a different way. 

    In any case, a good company tries to keep you on, with constant dialogue.

    But should we, or could we, do that in personal relationships?

    Divorce is already an official example of people not meeting their roles.

    But what about other blood relationships?

    Since we already have had many conversations on toxic relationships and chucking them, can we have a conversation on how to make relationships work?

    Can we try not to push people away?

    In professional and political spaces, a description of roles is necessary, else how will one assess the performance. Yet many times human angle wins and despite shortcomings, people are appreciated without even achieving their goals.

    But in personal relationships, we have to meet people for what they are, not the job or the role that is described.

    These days dual income families are promoted, and even when the wife is taking care of house responsibilities alone. Even if only the husband’s salary can suffice for the house, the wife is pushed to work without understanding the pressure of such life on the whole family.

    All this leads to reduced familial happiness and a lot of physical and mental health issues, but there is no interest in sitting down and understanding how our trends are affecting the daily lives of millions of people badly.

    Moving beyond the personal sphere of relationships, caste and race have devised professional roles, and it is a given in Indian society for certain castes to do some particular tasks.

    They are never seen for the risks they take or the hard work they put in, rather are always expected to do the difficult work with 200% dedication without complaining about pay. 

    In fact, for them the way for coming out of this caste and gender based loop of work is paved with obstacles and judgements.

    When it comes to gender, despite high quality and hard work, females have to constantly justify for a stable job and pay.

    They are discriminated against for promotion because of reasons like menstruation, pregnancy, child-rearing , which I have discussed in my other essay on Life After Becoming a Mother.

    Also one of the factors of any healthy society is the awareness of privilege. The privilege that is being enjoyed by the privileged class is not considered a privilege by the same people, it’s their birthright.

    And the hardships whoever is facing in the name of gender, caste, financial status is their punishment.

    They can’t complain, they can’t make a noise, lest they be pushed into ‘whataboutery’ and the cycle of bare minimum benefits.

    So with the new found awareness, it is imperative we reassess how we manage our relationships, because clearly older ways are not working, neither professionally nor personally.