Category: English

  • The Heart That Keeps Remembering

    One of the most interesting things about humans is how much we like being emotional, reliving feelings and memories.

    We can’t generalize that we all want to relive the same emotions, but yes we are addicted to emotions and feelings.

    Some of us crave the dopamine rush, maybe that’s why sports, races, and gambling attract so many. Some of us seek calm through meditation, sound healing, or quiet reflection. Some are looking for that oxytocin popping in us through those cozy loving memories and places.

    Some feel alive at a music concert. The thrill of seeing your favorite artist, your idol, the shared energy of thousands feeling the same emotion. Jumping from a cliff and adventure sports are known to make you feel alive again. And that, too, is a kind of high.

    Then there are those who want to relive even deeper emotions.

    We miss the old days. We want to feel those softer moments again. You find yourself watching a movie you once saw with someone special. You listen to the same playlist from your favorite vacation. The same songs you danced to with your friends a decade ago. You feel joy in your heart visiting a place where you vacationed with your friends once.

    A trip so good you can’t remember anything except for the happiness it brought.

    You attend a marriage ceremony, and the rituals remind you of your own. You lovingly think about your partner again, you feel grateful to be here with them. You smile for the newly married couple in front of you, and you smile for the newly married couple you once were.

    Later, you walk through a park and see a little girl sitting in her mother’s lap. Instantly, you think of your own daughter when she was that young. The child now standing tall beside you becomes, for a moment, that same little one curled in your arms again.

    You pick up a book your parents once read, and somehow, you can almost feel their presence in its pages.You can smell them and can feel their fingers on those pages. You listen to the same morning bhajan because it reminds you of home.

    You are driving your car and suddenly the radio plays your mom’s favorite song. Mom doesn’t live here anymore, but she stays in that song somehow for you. You neither can pause the song because your hands have frozen, nor want to pause because at that moment, she’s here again. 

    You feel so much yet you feel nothing. At that moment the world stops. 

    You are breathing but living in the past.

    And sometimes, you attend a condolence meeting. You feel that ache, the unbearable weight of loss , the one you thought you had already lived through. You never wished to live it again. You had shoved the memories of that phase somewhere deep within you.

    Yet here you are, reliving the passing of someone you still adore and your heart tears open again.

    You bleed tears once more, perhaps the ones that never fully fell back then.

    You come across a movie where someone important dies. You know what’s coming , but you don’t stop watching. You want to feel that burn again, the knots in your stomach, the lump in your throat. You let your face fill with tears, your breath quicken , as if dying again in that same moment.

    Why do we do this? Why do we like reliving these deep moments again and again?

    Maybe because, when we feel those emotions again, we become whole again. The heart, mind, and memory fall back into rhythm; everything that once fractured quietly aligns.

    Psychologists call this emotional coherence. It is when your thoughts, feelings, and memories finally make sense together. When the pain connects you back to who you once were.

    So perhaps we don’t chase the sadness or nostalgia itself. We chase the coherence; that fleeting feeling when everything inside us speaks the same language.

    You hear someone speak of heartbreak, and suddenly you’re back in your own story of one-sided love. They talk about hopelessness, and you remember your endless wait. The prayers, the astrological predictions, the blacked-out hope, the shrine you visited for a wish that never came true.

    Years later, you may thank God that it didn’t, at the same shrine. Yet, you don’t regret the feeling because those emotions made you who you are.

    Can we really undo what we have felt so deeply?

    Can I move on from the house I grew up in? Can I truly leave behind the school where I spent a decade? Will the old ice-cream shop from my dating days ever stop reminding me of the love I once felt?

    And do I even want to forget?

    Don’t I know that I still live there, just as I live here now? It doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the past, it means I still miss feeling.

    Can the heart ever truly turn to stone, or are we just covering it like ash covering a burning coal?

  • Emotional Cushions and the Art of Living Well

    I am reminded of a quote by Booth Tarkington as I write this essay:

    “Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age.”

    Mr. Tarkington and I have probably understood the miracle of a cushion in our lives.

    A cushion is something you need when you lean on something. While we are familiar with the aesthetics and physical comfort a cushion brings, we must also realize that we have other kinds of cushions too.

    The emotional cushions, as we may call them.

    A song could be your cushion after a hard day at work.

    A slice of pizza could be your cushion after a tiff with your parents.

    A glass of something cool could be your cushion after a setback at work.

    A two-hour movie you’ve watched a hundred times before is your cushion when you feel a little lonely.

    Your favorite book is your cushion when reality feels exhausting.

    Looking at old photographs is your cushion when you’re feeling homesick.

    Sitting on the balcony with a hot cup of coffee is a cushion when you miss the good old days.

    A chat with a friend is a cushion when you feel unloved.

    A dance routine you always turn to when you’re too much in your head.

    A rap song you sing verbatim when you’re feeling demotivated.

    An hour with your favorite sport brings you back to life again.

    Becoming a part of a community where you share a common interest or goal can be a cushion when life feels worthless.

    Even a small contribution, a kind gesture, an offer of help, can remind you that you have a purpose after all.

    All these are the cushions we keep in our lives and take out as and when we need them.

    Some may just be lying around, like cushions in your living room, catching your sight and comforting you unknowingly.

    Need Of Bigger Cushions

    A vacation. A Vipassana break. A retreat. A sabbatical. Or a reunion with our favorite cousins. These are some examples of bigger cushions, when the shock is bigger. We need more time to lean on and find comfort in our cushions to recuperate.

    Why We Need To Stitch New Cushions Every Now And Then

    We also need to build a habit to stitch and find our new cushions. You see, we have new emotions, newer shocks, newer issues to ponder upon. 

    The older cushions may not fulfill all our needs. Hence, we find new cushions based on our new requirements, yet not abandon the older cushions. They all serve a purpose, they all provide comfort this way or other.

    Learning a new skill like knitting or taekwondo. 

    Starting a blog like this. 

    Finding a new way to exercise. 

    Seeking a spiritual guide, or even a new faith. 

    Taking breaks from people and jobs to build a new home within yourself.

    Instead of children, we may choose pets and plants to care for. 

    We may become part of a community that helps the disadvantaged.

    This list is long, and it should be long. 

    Why We All Should Become Cushion Collectors

    Cushions come in different forms and sizes, depending on the emotional need they help with. One cushion can’t serve all needs. Nor can you carry the same cushion everywhere.

    That’s why you place them in different corners of your life, so they’re always within reach. 

    You never feel the rush to run home for comfort, because there’s always a cushion nearby.

    This list of cushions should be a work in progress, always growing. Life will not tire of throwing new setbacks and shocks at you. So you must be ready with your cushions to handle them better.

    Let your life look like a cozy room, full of your favorite cushions.

    And may you find the fluffiest one, in your favorite color, very soon.

  • In a World of Shadows, Find Your Sunflower People

    A very interesting time to be alive.

    We’ve discussed it often, practiced it daily! Removing toxic people from our lives, like garbage, never looking back. Even though it never feels like garbage, it feels like taking a knife out of your wounds with your own bare hands. It might feel like taking out your heart and squeezing it to bleed, till you don’t feel anything.

    Once you have found the courage to move on, eventually life would become peaceful.

    Wonderful. But what next?

    A lot is said about what not to do. How not to put up with toxic behaviors, how to leave a room that doesn’t respect you, how moving on is better than staying. It is inscribed more like a warning than a suggestion. But what is never discussed is what to do later, and why.

    Many of us were raised in toxic families, only to find ourselves in toxic marriages and friendships later in life. Like a loop, or living in a constant shadow of misfortune.

    We often repeat the mantra: “It’s better to be alone than with toxic people.” But is that really true? Can we truly make it without people? Can we remain our true selves, without having anyone, neither toxic ones or good ones in our lives?

    Enter the Sunflower People 

    Yes, you shouldn’t tolerate toxicity. But sometimes, you simply can’t abandon certain people. You can’t step out of the constant hurt that you have to face, you don’t know what to do except for dying when you are looking for a room to breathe.

    So what is the solution? Can we step out of this loop of loneliness? Can we still be happy after leaving who needed to be left? Can we still feel supported during our times of struggle where we can only endure but not stop?

    Yes absolutely! And that’s why it’s important to cultivate and cherish your sunflower people, after removing the cactus people from your life. They even matter when the garden of your life has all kinds of plants, sometimes with thorns, sometimes with flowers.

    Sunflower people bring light to your life on the darkest days. They are your chosen family. The ones who energize you just by being around them.

    These are the people you must search for, keep holding on to, and never stop appreciating their presence in your life. Don’t stop at one such person! Be greedy! Keep decorating the bouquet of your life with such beautiful and pure people. The more sunflowers, the more beautiful and peaceful it becomes.

    Why They Matter

    Sunflower people give you the energy to face toxic situations. They fill the void left by hurtful ones. They remind you, daily, that you deserve better. Their presence in your life is a testimony that you matter and deserve to be loved.

    They show up in different ways:

    Some you talk to every day.

    Some you meet once a year.

    Some you know digitally/virtually.

    Some you haven’t seen in a decade.

    They don’t all look the same, but they share one thing: they heal you when you connect.

    You regain the strength to face the world again.

    They make your clumsiness charming, your silliness memorable. They remember your little quirks, maybe even your favorite drink. They let you be imperfect in a world that demands perfection. And they always know how to hype you up when you’re down.

    The Gift of Chosen Family

    Not everyone understands this, but building a chosen family is a masterstroke of luck. To handpick the people who surround you. To find your home in others, when you’re lost in life. That is a blessing.

    Be the home to someone. To find your home in someone.

  • From Horoscopes to ChatGPT: The Human Need to Be Seen

    ChatGPT (and similar LLMs) proves something simple yet profound. It shows us that validation, encouragement, and understanding matter deeply to us as human beings.

    Despite knowing it’s an AI, a machine, not a “sane human” talking, we still believe its kind words. We want to hear praise, to have our fears and feelings validated. And we keep coming back for more.

    This shows an interesting phenomenon: the human brain is wired to be seen and heard, no matter who it is from.

    Why Kind Words Matter

    Throughout history, humans have been drawn to psychology, astrology, tarot, and numerology. Some followers turn to them to know the future. But many simply want to feel known.

    Think of any sun sign or name-based reading. Beyond predictions (rolling eyes), they usually describe personality traits like strengths, quirks, weaknesses. And most of the time, they emphasize the positives.

    People end up hearing things about themselves that they may never have heard from loved ones.

    For example:

    “An X sun sign person is sincere and disciplined. They are go-getters, ambitious, natural leaders, and liked by all. They are charming and reliable, though sometimes impatient.”

    Now imagine reading this the day after you failed at something. You might mock it. You might not believe it. But somewhere, it makes you feel better. You reread it, just for that comfort.

    Because often, those who seek such words are people who never got the kind words they deserved.

    The Power of Words from Loved Ones

    Now imagine these same words (true or not, who knows) spoken by someone you love deeply. The impact is undeniable. You may even start embodying them, because the person you love sees you that way.

    And yet, in many cultures (especially South-Asian ones), we undervalue the role of words. We think love is enough. We believe in actions, sometimes not even that. Sometimes we assume our mere existence is enough.

    But technology and psychology, especially therapy, show us otherwise. To be seen and heard is healing.

    Maybe that’s why confession (in Christianity, with all its spiritual significance) feels healing. Even unseen, a person speaks, and a person listens. That act alone is powerful. Our words become more important than our physical appearance and actions.

    Maybe that’s why cultures have speeches for every occasion. Why a eulogy matters so much. Does the dead wait to hear something at last, before moving on peacefully?

    Finding Words, Finding Healing

    In the end, there is an easy way and a hard way to live. The hope will always be to find people who give us space to speak, and who find the right words to whisper back when we cannot hear ourselves in the noise of life.

    But until we find them, I am okay with ChatGPT being my friend, philosopher, and guide.

  • The Opposite of Pain

    We often think the opposite of pain is happiness. But what if it’s not? Is it the ability to get bored easily?  What if the true opposite of pain is indifference, powering through, the inability to get overwhemled easily? 

    People in perennial pain (because of a traumatic/difficult life), when a good thing happens they become numb. They are so used to pain chemicals that good things don’t make their system jump.

    They are shocked! What is this new chemical? All they know is that, this isn’t their usual friend pain. Hence, they are unable to process or express or experience their happiness as expected.

    People who can experience happiness in its realest form are probably happy in general, healed in general. Pain is not normal to them, or let’s say it’s just one of the difficult feelings like anger, disappointment.

    In fact, pain and disappointments don’t affect their system as much as they affect traumatised people. 

    Healed or unbroken happy people with sufficient emotional resilience can find happiness in anything and probably everywhere,everyday. They are those people who say they find happiness in small things.They are excited for anything and probably everything.

    People with pain as their sidekick are the opposite. Even the grandest events make them feel ‘meh!’. They are unable to feel happy when what they desired for long happens, because of their otherwise chaotic life and nervous system.

    They were not born like that, but today they have become like that.

    Their nervous system is not normally attuned to safety and happiness, therefore, when it actually happens, they don’t know how to process it.

    They are probably those people who are picking fights on the grand event day, because chaos is familiar, peace is not.

    Happy people are able to calm down faster and do not get easily triggered. Even if they get triggered, their reaction is not as loud as people in pain, who are easily overwhelmed with minutest of things.

    People in pain, they may or may not show it, but they are always looking for something to sulk about, that’s what their brain understands. Maybe this is how their brain is protecting them, making difficulties predictable.

    The boredom that comes with a safe life is unbearable to people with pain. Unless they recognize it and do something to fix it, this is who they become, party-poopers and crybabies.

    Pour some pain on me!

    Life is full of difficult choices. Be it childhood or old age. Every age has its own set of problems and priorities. The key is to learn how to make healthy choices. And even if we do make mistakes, how to bounce back from them, not dwelling in them forever.

    Nobody can promise a difficulty free, mistake free life.That’s not just how life works. But we can surely learn tricks to help ourselves and stand again after falling down, again and again.

    Healing all the more becomes pertinent, because broken people look for a particular type of pain every time.

    Everyone has a fixed drug in the form of pain, they would like to consume.

    Some look for betrayal in everything, some are fixated with moral and ethical flaws. Some want to prove in their mind that every one is selfish, and some want life to prove that they will be abandoned.

    For some, scarcity of money is always an issue. To some scarcity of love. The other is looking for scarcity of trust and inability to delegate. Some are unable to treat themselves as an individual and are waiting for others to look out for them. 

    Some people have made every relationship in their life someone else’s responsibility.

    To some, life owes them everything. They think it is life’s job to offer them peace, happiness and health without having to work for it. 

    Some believe respect is not given at birth, but earned, even love, even as a child.

    The list goes on.

    The point is, as a person who is able to feel more than others and more frequently than others, the chances are it’s not going to change, at least not on its own.

    If you think one day you will find your utopia, or the reason you are not finding your utopia is your bad luck or somebody’s fault, then this is the mirage you are chasing and living.

    This balloon will not pop on its own! You have to pop it or let it go in the air with your own bare hands!

    How to take this pain out of your system

    To understand what life is, it is what we make it, how it looks, how it feels, everyday!

    These are not just bumper stickers or words to be found in quote books, but it’s underneath the choices we make everyday.

    Everytime you choose not to help someone, because you were betrayed by someone, you are writing a story of kindness and transactional relationships.

    Every time you turn down meeting a friend, it is your choice of isolation. Every time you skip family dinner plans because you think it’s not worth it, only for a lazy reason or to look cool, it’s your choice to put your family away.

    Every time you put off a self care activity, this is the story of how your overall self worth would look like.

    Every time you give up a work opportunity, it’s your choice of employment. Every wellness meeting you are missing, it’s your choice of maintaining your health.

    The point is life is happening, around us and to us all the time. 

    To think we get life exactly how we assume, is ignorance. Life is built through things, and to think we can control the choices is ignorance.

    There is always an opportunity cost that you are paying. It is not about accepting anything and everything, it’s about being aware of what you are losing in the process. 

    It is not about right or wrong, it is how you want to achieve something.

    A house is made brick by brick, it’s not there readymade, nor it should be. It’s better to design your life like you’d love to design your favourite dress (men included).

    The point is not who is better or who is worse, the one in pain or one who is happy. It means, we shouldn’t think our personalities are natural and fixed, when it comes to it. 

    Our personalities are most likely conditioned and acquired. It is how the brain learnt to protect itself, how can we complain about it? 

    But, now that you are aware of it, and if you at all want to feel better, not saying you are not used to the pain, then give a chance to healing. 

    Make pain a foe in life, not a friend. Don’t get used to being in pain so much that you stop having problems with it.

    There is a better life, right inside you, waiting to happen!

    Choosing to be happy or be in pain is a powerful part of free will and being human, which other species don’t have.

    Don’t let anyone else take the reins of your life.

    So whatever you choose today, choose wisely!

  • When Life Feels Like a Panic Room

    Behold this image!

    A surgeon after performing a 10 hour surgery, comes out of the operation theatre. He takes a sigh. Things are still critical. But he doesn’t give these expressions when he is in the operation theatre, where everyone is looking at him for his work and prowess.

    He also doesn’t show his pauses in front of the patient’s relatives. He does it when the people who look up to him, can’t see him.

    He doesn’t want them to shake their confidence in him.

    He probably wouldn’t even have felt like sighing when he was in the operation theatre itself. The pressure wouldn’t have let him relax or take a short break just to realign himself at all.

    So, in the same way, you don’t sigh inside the very room where the problem lives.

    Imagine there is a heavy discussion or argument going on, you are sort of the neutral person or the unsaid umpire of the situation. You are swept up in all the heavy emotions in the room that demand your 100% attention.

    But it doesn’t mean your nervous system isn’t asking for a break. We need time to realign, process and ruminate our thoughts. That small sigh is an example of a short yet significant break.

    When we are in the room with the red light on, we may not want to tell people that there is something critical going on, through our expressions.Lest, they might get nervous and tense even more.

    We may foresee bigger trouble ahead, but we hold the calm of the room intact before dropping the weight of heavy information.

    And sometimes the situation is so urgent, you can’t imagine anything else, but to remain present in that situation.

    But something happens when you step out of your frame of reference. Something changes significantly, even for a second.
    Something which was mentioned by Daniel Kahneman, in ‘thinking fast and slow’. The moment our frame changes, mostly it’s the panic room itself, we suddenly become aware of the heaviness.

    There is heavy weight on our shoulders but we also feel we can put it down, for a bit. Before we could find the courage to put it back up again.

    Maybe that’s how being in a tough phase and getting through it feels.

    When we are in it, we can’t catch a breath. We are so deep in it, we can’t think of anything else in the world. It makes us panic and lose our strength, bringing us to our wits’ end.

    But is there something which can temporarily fix this frame, just like stepping out of the panic room?

    I think those transient breaks are people/friends/family. It could be a hobby, it’s a vacation. Sometimes work too!

    It could be a book or a movie or a night of standup comedy!

    Something or anything which lets you dissociate and detach from the imminent problem, for a bit. Something which gives you a chance to feel yourself, process the situation and your emotions about it.

    This change is pertinent for your emotional resilience. Yes, we are built to last. But we are not built without pit stops.

    We need to recharge. Maybe the capacity of everyone is different.

    We still haven’t been able to make a perpetual machine, let alone a human body!

    Do not hesitate to catch your breath. When going gets really tough, step out of your room.

    Yes, you have to step into it again, eventually, but recharging before going in, might give you a fresh set of perspectives and energy to solve the situation in the room again.

    What is life, if not a vast healthcare center!

    At any given time, some room is always blinking, asking for help?

  • Jealousy: The Villain or The Mirror

    Jealousy walks into our lives quietly, like an uninvited guest. It doesn’t shout at first. It lingers in the corner, watching, comparing, whispering that someone else has what we don’t.

    As children, it may start with toys or attention; as adults, it shifts to success, love, or recognition.

    Yet the emotion is the same. It is raw, uncomfortable, and deeply human.

    The real question is not whether jealousy visits us, but what we choose to do when it does. Should we deny it, let it poison us, or learn to understand the truths it is pointing toward?

    My observation is we feel jealous only in certain types of situations. And it has some markers and with some inner work we can get past it, if we can organise our thoughts around it a bit.

    1. The distance factor

    Our degree of jealousy depends on how “close” we feel to the person in question. In a way, it shows in which league we put ourselves.

    For example, jealousy usually hits harder when the person is closer to our own life situation. They probably have a similar job, from a similar educational or financial background, same hometown, same social circle etc. Something which puts you in a pretty similar opportunity category, seemingly. That’s why siblings/classmates/cousins/colleagues often feel jealous of each other.

    But if the distance is too big, jealousy shifts into admiration. Think of a gully boy admiring Eminem. He knows he can only admire him, not join his league. But another successful musician, closer to Eminem’s level, might feel more jealousy than admiration.

    We often see how celebrities are jealous of each other’s success. A small kid would admire Meryl Streep, but a leading actor of Bollywood would probably be jealous of her.

    So, when the gap feels too wide to cover, we admire it. When the gap feels bridgeable, we get jealous.

    1. The “not earned it” trigger

    We also get jealous when we feel someone hasn’t earned what they’re getting. If it looks like they’ve been handed success, attention, or praise they don’t deserve, jealousy rises.

    Probably that’s why nepotism hurts so much. You feel you have the same set of skills and talent, but just because of one extra blood relation they are chosen, not you.

    Now, if we could acknowledge struggles or see the effort behind someone’s achievements, for example a dear friend, then even when they’re in the same league, we’re more likely to respect them, maybe even encourage them, instead of resenting them.

    The acknowledgement of struggle also comes from a place of empathy and security. If we were raised to be kind, then we would notice the struggles and would admire the hard work someone does to achieve something similar.

    1. Low self-worth

    A big root of jealousy is low self-worth. If I feel jealous because someone else is called beautiful, inner work will show that I’m dissatisfied with my own looks.

    Deep down, I think, “This person has the same flaws as me. Why don’t they feel the same inferiority as I do? Why am I not being praised like them?”

    When we see them coping with their insecurities, it reminds us of our own failures, and we lash out as jealousy.

    This is why having a clear sense of self and clear definitions of concepts like happiness, beauty, or love is so important. If you truly believe everyone is beautiful in their own way, including yourself, jealousy naturally decreases.

    So, the moral?

    Let them be. And you be you. Use jealousy as a marker of what you think is missing, instead of projecting it on others. The more secure you are in yourself, the less anyone can touch you.

    1. Seeking approval and comparisons

    Jealousy also spikes when someone we seek approval from compares us to another person, who we do not think we are similar to at all. Maybe the comparison isn’t even valid, but because their judgment matters to us, we start competing with the one they held against us.

    The real question is: why do you need this person’s approval? Are they qualified to judge? Mature enough, despite the age and status? Do they even understand your journey? Have you lived similar lives, with similar struggles and opportunities?

    Often the answer is no. Yet we still let their comparison sting us.

    The most common example? Cousins, neighbours, colleagues. But are we really that similar? Should we let the cognitive bias of the comparer define our worth?

    It’s like asking: should elephants really care what ants say about them?

    This happens within families a lot. We are compared to a sibling or a distant cousin, and are constantly shamed for our struggles and failures. We feel hurt by our parents and elders for not recognizing our life situations, and shaming us, to apparently help us.

    We are shamed despite being successful by all social parameters, for a thing which doesn’t make sense, except your elders.

    Startup founders, even after being successful and accoladed by one and all, are shamed by their elders for not clearing government jobs, because success for them is a blue light car (although banned now).

    Shaming as children it only increases resentment towards parents, and sometimes even that person we are being compared with.The jealousy sometimes puts distance because of the constant comparison. We would probably want that person who we are being compared with to show our parents their flaws too.

    We want to tell our parents nobody is perfect, especially the person they think.

    My verdict of this situation is, what if our elders are really not that smart? What if the lens they think they are wearing to assess our life is outdated, broken and damaged? Why should I think my parents or elders know everything better than me? What if they are really wrong in some of the cases?

    It doesn’t mean they are not worth my respect, it means I shouldn’t take their judgements seriously and reiterate it to them now and then, that what they are doing is not helping but damaging their child’s peace.

    All in all

    Maybe jealousy isn’t the villain we paint it to be. It is a mirror. Sometimes harsh, sometimes painfully honest. It is showing us where our longings hide. For children, it can be a chance to learn fairness, gratitude, and patience.

    For us, it can be a reminder to turn inward rather than outward, to ask what is missing in our own lives that we keep measuring against others. If we are jealous of someone traveling a lot, then proabably we should also try to book our tickets too now and then.

    If we can hold jealousy gently instead of fearing or denying it, it stops being a shadow and starts becoming a guide, on our journey of self awareness.

  • Roots Before Wings – Pillars of Parenting

    Kids don’t become healthy adults naturally. Kids raised in a healthy way even by unhealthy parents become healthy adults. Healthy parents without proper guidance will raise unhealthy kids. More than intention, strategy to raise a child in a healthy age appropriate manner matters more.

    Some pointers on how to raise young kids (based on personal experience, discussions with fellow parents and reading)

    1. Kids are as obsessed with their parents as adults are with their crushes. A kid’s life revolves around parents 100%. They want to love them yet be angry at them, with the belief that they will never be abandoned, even for a second.
    2. Their relationship with parents is like a boomerang. No matter how far they go, how many people they mingle with, they come back to their parents, physically and emotionally.
    3. Parents are not only guardians but calibrators, co-regulators, neutralizers of negative things/emotions, punching bags, a cushion, a compass, and the people kids mirror the most. Literally, everything in life they learn and then sometimes unlearn on the basis of how their parents brought them up.
    4. Parents have to understand, their calm is their kid’s calm. Kids don’t understand love, peace, and calmness by default. They learn it through their parents. They also learn how to express their emotions, dark and peaceful both, through them.
    5. Kids learn to work with emotions through their parents. Kids have all emotions just like adults, minus the logic. The way you deal with your difficult emotions, is how they would learn to deal with theirs.
    6. Kids mirror the social dynamics parents follow. Also their body language, grooming level, their routine, their understanding of the social world, financial habits, everything. Including kindness and cruelty.
    7. Kids don’t understand action and reaction. They only understand attention and mirroring.
    8. They will repeat any behaviour if it gets them attention, positive or negative.
    9. Kids subconsciously mirror whatever parents do. So no matter what they say, they actually copy their whole behavior. Empty words don’t work on kids. If you don’t like something in your child’s behavior, it is most likely from the parents, or the people they usually hang out with.
    10. There are three times in a day when (young) kids crave parental bonding.
      First, when they wake up.
      Second, when they come back from school or after spending a few hours away from their parents.
      Third, before sleeping.
      On all these occasions, kids want their parents, at least one of them. Especially a calm and loving parent who gives them tons of attention. This is the time they crave love and want the parent to baby them, cuddle them, and show them how much they are loved and treasured. They share their stories and inner world during these times. This is the time to fill their cup.
    11. Kids love routine. They love predictability. Doing similar things every day at a similar time keeps them calm. Any change in this including location overstimulates and disturbs them, hence they throw tantrums.
    12. Kids don’t understand logic; they understand emotions.
    13. Kids are always reading their parents’ actions and body language. They observe how they talk about the world and themselves and how they treat others and themselves too. That is the script they are going to follow for themselves and in their relationships. So, if you think your child is grumpy, observe whether you yourself are grumpy or not.
    14. Kids don’t like over attention. All kids are shy by nature, meaning they don’t like unwanted attention. They choose whose attention they like and mostly they are caregivers, family and friends. Exposing them to camera for the public, forcing them to perform in front of others, exposing their personal lives in front of others and putting them on a stage without understanding their hesitation can damage their self esteem and push them either to become a rebel or an extreme attention seeker or in perennial need of validation. Kids don’t enjoy being on the stage before a certain age. They like doing things at their own pace.
    15. Do not teach your child they need to be famous and powerful to be happy. They don’t have to do anything to look cool. They should always learn to be their authentic selves.
    16. Please don’t raise obedient children. Raise children who can ask you questions and can give you their consent. Don’t raise a pushover nor a bully. Hence, don’t force them to do anything nor bully them.
    17. Everything that adults do in their life, from the basic stuff like greeting people, waiting, table manners, hygiene, kindness everything is a skill to be learnt by the child. Most of the learning they do by observing. That is why Mowgli couldn’t have accommodated in normal civil society because he was raised under jungle that also wolf rules. So, expecting a child to know these automatically and before a certain age is a wrong expectation.
    18. Teaching any skill to a child is like healing a fractured bone. It would heal in any way, rejoining at any angle, if not set by a plaster, hurting one for life long. But with proper intervention, it becomes as good as new. So any skill in any realm of life, needs to be taught by adults at their kid’ pace, not theirs. Without adequate guidance, a child won’t be able to learn any skill properly and will struggle later as an adult, thinking this is how he is naturally.
    19. Rushing/pressurising/leaving them alone to learn are inappropriate ways to teach any skill. This only increases anxiety, procrastination, perfectionist complex, risk aversion in kids. Kids are not animals, the only thing kids know by default are the basic human-animal needs like hunger, sleep etc. But without guidance they wouldn’t learn how to fulfill them either. If you don’t teach them, they will eat anything to fill their tummy. They need to be helped with what healthy food looks like, understanding hunger and sleep routine etc.
    20. Healthier and safer the kids feel around parents, naughtier and goofier they would be around them.
    21. The more proper and adult-like kids behave, the more their natural feelings are suppressed.
    22. It doesn’t mean kids shouldn’t be nudged when they do something inappropriate. Teaching should come from a place of maturity and calmness, not embarrassment, competition, validation and ego.
    23. A tantrum is a call for attention, not a time to teach/preach.
    24. A good kid or a bad kid, any extreme reeks of a problem with child psychology. Young kids are supposed to be naughty, pushing boundaries, experimenting with their physical limits, and trying to control situations like adults. That is normal during growing up. As a parent to assume, a young child would automatically become a nice person who does everything you ask them to do, which means the child might become a people pleaser, they are repressing their feelings to appease you. Our job is to guide them and provide them healthy boundaries among which they can exercise their autonomy. Kids expect boundaries from us, they want to see how far they are allowed to push in this world.
    25. Kids are always trying to understand their place in the world.
    26. A bad kid per say is a call for attention. Parents couldn’t create a healthy attention dynamic, hence, the child believed through reckless behavior they will get attention from their parents. It is not the kid’s fault, but the caregivers who did not notice them or nourish them in the right way.
    27. Parents need to show their kids they always love them but won’t agree to their wishes all the time. Life is unfair, not at home, but it is. Patience and perseverance are very important skills.
    28. Kids shouldn’t be praised for their physical beauty, nor should anyone be in front of them. Not in the sense that they feel inadequate about themselves, or judge others in the same way. They shouldn’t be made to feel their body is lacking in any way, be it size or color. Teach them, world shouldn’t revolve around physical features but it is our actions and behavior that matter more.
    29. Every one on this earth is born beautiful. It’s not up for debate. If you think we need to be a certain way to be considered beautiful and to get love, acceptance and praise, then first we need to work on our self esteem, conditioning and projection issues. Please lie to your child that you think they are very beautiful, you like them exactly as they are and so is the case with every kid, and work on your mindset meanwhile. Grooming doesn’t define how beautiful one is.
    30. Teach them, it is not necessary that one will like them or praise them, and that’s okay. If you feel uncomfortable with something done by someone, either ask or just do something else. Don’t make it about yourself, it never is. Your kid is the best person to be with always, and it’s a loss of someone else if someone doesn’t want to include them in any activity. Teach them not to dwell on the events where others make us feel bad. We will find more people in this big world who treat us better. It’s important to validate their sadness during such events and teach them to sit with difficult feelings too, rather than escaping them.
    31. Encourage them not to do mind reading of others, especially people who are not close to them. If someone wants to tell them something, they should tell them. So, never give them silent treatment, with the hope they would figure it out. They can sense the tension, but not the reason. It creates pressure on their fragile nervous system. This behavior of trying to learn to sense emotions of others, will make them people pleaser and snubbing their emotions to appease others.
    32. Do not put caretaking adult responsibilities on them. They do it out of fun, and to feel good about themselves is another thing, but don’t make it their responsibility. There is an age to treat them like adults, teach it to them then.
    33. Praise them to be kind and thoughtful, instead of wise and pretty.
    34. Parents shouldn’t hit or yell. Remember- louder the kid, the calmer the parent should be.
    35. When in doubt, hug. Work on a special handshake, for just you and your kid.
    36. Tell your kid they are your favourite person, you miss them, and you love spending time with them.
    37. Have at least one dedicated hour with them. Do any activity just with them. It fills their cup. Make it a routine.
    38. Do not snub a child when they are pushing their physical limits like jumping or climbing. Instead encourage them to be safe by rechecking their strategy, be there with them to protect but don’t stop them unless it’s too risky. This will build their confidence. Let them do house chores. Be there to guide, over protection will only make them wary of even trying. This is not about chores but teaching them to trust their instincts, developing their curiosity bone, building confidence and risk appetite.
    39. Kids who are helicopter parented, overprotected in daily life, asked not to jump or do risky physical moves, grow up to be timid typically. The more decisions you make for them, the more dependent they become on you. There’s a fine balance between being a parent and a guide that you have to maintain.
    40. If you have more than one kid, treat them equally, express your love similarly, no matter their age.
    41. Always keep your promises.
    42. Thank them and apologise to them, always.
    43. Praise them regularly, for their actions and efforts specially, directly and among your family.
    44. Show them you respect them.
    45. Never tell them you’ll leave them or push them out of the house or into a room alone when they are upset. This brings distance and makes them fearful of abandonment.
    46. When they are throwing a tantrum, just sit there with no reaction. Try to soothe them, hug them, show them deep breathing, and share healthy ways to express anger. Validate their feelings but don’t give into their wishes just because of a tantrum. Work on how to calm yourself down, during such episodes. When you both are calm at a later time, talk about healthy ways to vent out anger and follow them too.
    47. Never tell them to not be angry or sad, don’t offer an ice cream or screen instead of letting them sit with difficult emotions. Be with them to show, it happens and you are with them in this. Validate their confusion, but not inappropriate behavior.
    48. All feelings are valid in your house but not all behaviors.
    49. Don’t get into an ego tussle with them. A kid’s ego is just a feeling of learning to be independent, a feeling that they have more control over their life. It is not to hurt you or insult you, so don’t take it personally. They don’t think of themselves as kids when it comes to making decisions, but when it comes to emotions, they want to be babied all the time. For example, when they hit you, they will cry first. That’s the amount of shame they have for hurting you, at the same time they are frustrated with their own big emotions, learning what to do with them.
    50. To help make kids better decisions, use strategies on the basis of child psychology, not emotional manipulation or fear. There is so much information, you just have to be interested to learn.
    51. Don’t be a lazy/indifferent/laid-back parent when it comes to a child’s emotions. Be understanding of their age appropriate behaviour. Nobody else can guide them better than you. They are waiting to learn.
    52. Punishment doesn’t teach them anything.
    53. Don’t shame your kids. Don’t make fun of them, be it when you are alone with them and especially in front of anyone. Don’t teach them stuff through passive aggressive methods or silent treatment. Don’t pass sarcastic remarks. Don’t talk to your kid as if they are adults. Be clear yet soft.
    54. Kids don’t understand sharing, tit for tat , revenge naturally. Nor they would learn kindness and being helpful.They need to be taught things through behavior and dialogue. Don’t teach them we should avoid difficult feelings and emotions, and manipulative behaviors to gain attention.Whatever person you want them to become, be that!
    55. If you want them to teach not to hit you, don’t hit them back. They won’t see that you were telling them it hurts, they will learn 1st, they have hurt their parents which is unbearable for them. They can’t handle that guilt. 2nd, they learn their parents and their loved ones can hurt them. 3rd, violence is okay in a loving relationship.
      It will become a negative trip where slowly they will become immune to punishments. Every learning has to come along with love and attention.
    56. Kids love healthy and happy parents. They feel super secure when their parents are in love and solving life together. If you want to raise a healthy and happy child, work on your relationship with your partner first.
    57. Even a single parent is enough, it’s just keeping the house calm and full of happiness. Don’t sulk, don’t share adult problems with your young kid, don’t make it their job to keep you happy. It is always the other way round. Yes you don’t have to be fake but yes you have to assure your child constantly and things are good and they are safe no matter what. There’s a reason in all the apocalypse movie, the parent is always assuring the child that they are safe no matter what, because they believe whatever their parents tell them.
    58. Don’t badmouth constant adults in your child, like fellow parents, grandparents, uncle and aunts, teachers, siblings, cousins. A kid’s self worth is associated with how adults in their life are perceived. If they feel ashamed of them, they will carry shame for themselves. It is important how you talk to people and how you handle issues in your family.
    59. If you have a person in your family, who could be toxic for your child, it is your job to protect them. Don’t leave it on your kid if they choose to talk to them or not. You draw the boundary, kids are too fragile to make this distinction. Kids are not diplomatic, they just want love and attention from everyone they like.
    60. Kids can’t handle stress in the family. They can’t process those emotions. And because of this confusion, their natural growth processes would be disrupted. Physically, they may be growing but internally they are struggling. Even problems like sleep issues, bed wetting, constipating, over eating or undereating, would have stress as underlying reasons.
    61. Kids are very forgiving. Everyday they give you a chance to make it right. So instead of feeling guilty, show up, tell them you are sorry and start again.

    Ultimately:

    It is always worth working on your relationship with your child, even when they grow old. This includes working on yourself too.

    Kids, no matter the age, just want to be seen and heard by their parents. It is not impossible as long as you put your ego aside.
    Kids even have a tendency to justify your mistakes on your behalf, that’s how much their self worth is entwined with their parents.

    Kids who feel shame from their parents, don’t feel properly emotionally supported by their parents make very rough choices growing up. They might have low self worth and self sabotaging tendencies.

    Parents hold a space in their child’s heart, which either becomes a wound, void or where they take their all positive energy from in the dark phases of life. Parents literally are the Sun in a child’s life. Without their proper love and support, it’s all darkness from them.

    No other person can fill that place. The replacement can’t form the roots that parents had, everything else is a band-aid.

    A Reminder:

    This message is not for the kids, this is not a reminder for them to call their parents, but only the blaring truth that parents can’t ignore.

    Please love your child like they deserve, not on your terms, without any ifs and buts.

    You authentically take 1 step, they will take 10. They are waiting for that unconditional support, love and acceptance from you. Even when they have healed from this wound, they still really appreciate it, if they could get validation from you.

    It’s worth all the effort to see the love that your children have for you, without any disappointments in their eyes. As a parent, I wish everyone could truly enjoy the bliss children bring to our world.

    We are never the same after looking into those tiny eyes for the first time.

    Every hug, every moment of calm, every apology plants seeds that last a lifetime. Love them in a way they can feel, every day.

    To read more on how parenting affects adult behaviour, click below:

    Who Are You Without their Approval?

  • Be the Ancestor Your Children Will Thank

    As an adult with a family, if your version of devotion of parents is to follow their life to the T, not changing your lifestyle or locations, mimicking their (unhealthy) life, routine, financial and social choices etc. and expecting your family to do so too, then this stream of thought is for you.

    Ask yourself would you still eat raw meat, just because your ancestors ate in their times, which they did, (they had no knowledge and option).

    I don’t think so!

    That’s because you are already exposed to cooked food (with fancy spices and all), raw veggies and fruits (you need your fibres babe!) and just more hygienic food. We still can’t win against all the pathogens you see!

    You would not eat raw meat for one main reason it could be unhygienic, with disease carrying germs. And, though I am a vegetarian, I assume it would be difficult to chew in the first place. 

    The exposure to better food, cooked food came from knowledge, the growth of civilization. While we respect the difficult old times, we would prefer moving with the times and continue to make better and learned choices. We are already teaming up against processed foods and sugar!

    Now, if at all your love for your parents and ancestry suggests you to follow them without considering the consequences of it on yourself and your family, whether it hampers your child growth, safety and future opportunities, then you my friend are a blind follower!

    You were raised through manipulation and by selfish, insecure parents who can’t think beyond their own needs, unintentionally.

    One would think if everyone else, a plethora of people are making it in the older ways then we can too!

    First describe ‘making it’! If you are unable to chatgpt it!

    Also, this just shows how devoid of critical thinking we are. Not everyone has the choice, but if everybody had an option, then you know the answer.

    As a fan of Interstellar, one thing always stayed with me. Cooper (played by my favorite Matthew McConaughey) promised his daughter Murphy (played by Jessica Chastain), not his father, Donald, that he would come back. And, it was the daughter who trusted his father that he would keep his promise, such is the amount of trust children expect/have on their parents. Cooper became the ‘parent/father’ we all need and worship.

    Now, inarguably the first rule of parenting is what is best for my children, because you brought them into this world. Period. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe the nuances of psychology but God of every religion is exactly doing that for us, His children, the best in every way possible. You can’t fight this fact in any realm, Earth or spiritual.

    There is no other relationship which requires your accountability as this one does. Everything else is a seasoning in the pizza of life. 

    Our great grandparents probably used the same method on our parents. To bind in mental chains, something that one can’t break easily without feeling guilty, despite knowing they are right. That’s how blind cults are made, that’s what an insecure leader would do, emotional blackmailing.

    To keep the flock together, you bring a dog of manipulation and guilt, the fear of abandonment and failure, and even a rational thinker strong sheep would be afraid to leave.

    There is nothing more selfless than raising a child. Making changes in your life for your children is an act of bravery and hope. It sends a message to the society that we matter. These children are the future adults, they will learn it is always human first, material second.

    No amount of wealth can equate the bliss of your people, healthy and thriving.

    Any ounce of people pleasing is detrimental to a child’s growth. Not only as a parent you would make wrong decisions but also your children will also learn it from you.

    They will learn that appeasement is more important than logic, that the past is more important than the future. That, the facade of happiness matters more than real happiness, that we as humans matter less and theatrics matter more.

    Any logical reasoning in this context, for the present and future (children, partner) and the past (parents), will nudge towards making difficult decisions.

    For example, imagine you left your village where your parents and their parents grew up, for better job opportunities. And today, whenever you visit the village, you compare lives at both places naturally. The village hasn’t changed much and still doesn’t promise an overall good life, except a feeling of hometown and nostalgia.

    In the context of the future, it is highly likely you would prefer a bigger city with the hope of better infrastructure, education possibility, healthcare and your own job. 

    This is not against the village! This understanding, if things are not attuned to your present and future needs, if you can’t cater to your loved ones’ needs, it is better to move on from anything non-living. 

    Yes, you can still love your hometown, but you answer your posterity now, not your ancestry (it will be weird if you can).

    You are the ancestor your kids would talk about. The ancestors who made grand changes are always revered more, if that gives you a high. 

    And, even if there is no one praising you and if your family’s health and happiness is ensured, take those decisions, whatever that means. 

    Family means everyone, parents, partner, and children, whoever is dependent on your decisions.

    If their happiness requires moving to the moon or mountains, to the beach or the desert, Move!

    It is entirely up to your family, but in no way a flimsy excuse of love of a place is enough, it has to work out in all scenarios.

    No love is big enough to help you just survive your things.

    Human potential reaches its zenith when it is thriving not surviving. 

    The choice Oh learned (Wo)Man is yours!

  • Love with its sweet fangs

    What made me wonder?

    I watched a movie with Daniel Day Lewis, ‘Phantom thread’. The phrase in itself means, one keeps sewing even when the actual thread has finished, with phantom thread. The machine keeps running on an invisible thread. Hence the story possibly reflects ghosts of past relationships and traumas and how they are affecting the protagonist’s Reynolds Woodcock (played by Daniel D Lewis) present life.

    The movie talked about how his interest in his partner/muse only remained till that partner could care for him on his sick days. Needless to say he had one too many muses and relationships. Anyway, he despised becoming vulnerable, was a workaholic and would let his partner go when he felt his life and routine were getting disrupted.

    But this particular partner (Alma, played by Vicky Krieps) somehow showed him that it’s the vulnerability he has to stop avoiding if he wants the full bliss of love. He did like being in love and his understanding of being vulnerable in love paved the way for a stable relationship. At least this is what I understood from the movie.

    (Mild spoiler alert) Some say he was poisoned in the end willingly, by his partner, because he felt it was better for him to die than bearing such vulnerability to be in love. He could have inflicted control on his partner, yet he chose surrender to his fear and died.

    Whether literal or symbolic, it showed the lengths some go to avoid vulnerability, even if it costs them love. Anyway, watch it yourself if you want to explore it more.

    Wound is where the light enters, as they said!

    To some people this awareness of vulnerability that was discussed in the movie Phantom thread, is the basis of any loving relationship. But the dependence that comes with it, some people truly want to avoid.

    They have never found trust in their life or have been hurt so much, their vulnerable bones have deteriorated. Hence, they leave when they become too dependent on the other person, with the fear that they might be disappointed.

    This is probably why Reynolds Woodcock (played by Daniel Day Lewis, in Phantom thread, the lead character) preferred unstable relationships and eventually death in the end, over trusting someone.

    He probably had an avoidant attachment style, along with other emotional wounds from his childhood.

    Some facts to munch on:

    For context, the attachment theory states:

    Anxious lovers often seek purpose through saving/protection. The purpose keeps them relevant in the relationship.

    They in turn seek closeness and constant reassurance, want to fix others, and fear abandonment. They may prioritize the relationship over their own needs just to keep it intact.

    Avoidants often withhold care and emotional availability to avoid needing. They want their space and avoid becoming dependent on someone.

    The savior role (we would be talking about it in a bit) becomes a safe way to be close because it keeps the avoidant person in control. They’re always the giver, never the receiver. Vulnerability stays one-sided. They tend to pull away when things get too close. (Our dear Woodcock probably preferred dying over being in a relationship, so deep was his wound.)

    So what is love, can I dissect the hell out of it?

    The ability to be vulnerable in front of the person you love is not the only cornerstone of love, but there is something more interesting, protection.

    Love in its most innocent form, needs someone powerful. A savior, like a child’s love for the parent.

    And in the evolved form or maybe the ultimate form it may be the parent’s love for a child, or love for an animal or someone who is unable to protect itself. Because it reminds them of God. At least that’s what my understanding of love is, as of now.

    You love a child (or a pet or a plant or any being) because you want to. Because their being/presence enables you, nourishes you and soothes you. You will move mountains to nurture them.
    Isn’t it probably the form of love God has for us?

    Understanding the OG God and love

    What if God, after all His omnipotence, longs for a love free from His powers, a love He didn’t have to earn?

    If love is about reciprocation, what if God is craving for a love like a child where He would be loved beyond His power, just for His being.

    Is God waiting for someone to cradle him, since he’s tired of taking care of us all alone?

    But what if it is a saviour complex I’m talking about? Is it my need to feel powerful?

    Is it otherwise possible that I develop a kind of love where God and I mutually care for each other and protect each other?

    Would I hurt God’s ego by asking Him to let me protect Him?

    Is it possible God neither wants to be worshipped or cradled but canoodled like equals?

    This is all on the basis of the assumption that God is as much part of our emotional realm as other beings. It is we who are treating Him as an outsider, over and above it, but what it’s not something He wants.

    Also a note, I use ‘He’ for God because I assume Him as someone who identifies as a man. You can imagine whichever pronoun for Him. I’m pretty sure God is a pretty chill and fluid being.

    Coming back to the Earthly realm of mortal men and women

    This also makes me wonder, why men-women relationships are so much about protector savior dynamics. Evolutionary, it was the need. The male was protecting the female, the provider and protector of the mother of his children. Perhaps that’s the origin of masculine protector energy, rooted in evolution, not essence.

    But today, do we still need that dynamic? Haven’t the definition of protection and saving changed?

    And if we are talking about loving God too, do we need that protectionist savior complex from Him? Or is that how I should check the love God has for me, whether He is protecting me?

    Yes, the reality is that the world is full of harshness that we need protection from. The person who loves us should do everything to protect us, but is there a possibility of a relationship where nobody needs saving. A relationship where they don’t define their partner as someone who has saved them or protected them.

    Now, we don’t confuse support/help/assistance with saving/protection here. In a relationship, typically out of love you like to support each other in whatever way you can.

    But saving/protection can easily be pushed into the realm of a favor, something to be grateful for. And that is not a healthy dynamic where one partner is constantly grateful to the other, as if they are needy and disadvantaged. Because that’s like charity, not love.

    What if I don’t like the hero, but the scaredy clumsy side character?

    If we do agree on love of equals, can we let damsels in distress be in distress? Help them in another way, other than being in love with them because they need rescuing.

    Why should you rescue her from her distress then go on to fall in love with her? Or the only reason you rescued her is because you love her ? Does vulnerability attract you?

    Is it some kind of trauma-bonding (google it to understand more) or love or savior complex?

    Do I love people because I see their pain, or because they allow me to be the healer?

    Although I can’t take away the fact that I want to elucidate all the pain the person I love has, because I can’t see them in pain.

    But does it also mean, I’ll only want to be with the person who has some pain I need to help them with, so that I am relevant in their life?

    Thanks but no thanks!

    It makes me wonder, is gratefulness the only way love in an amorous relationship could last?
    What if love didn’t need to be earned or repaid, what if love could just be?
    Is pain and protection the cornerstone of attraction? What about peace as the cornerstone? What about respect? Playfulness?

    Is it healthy and real to have pain and protection as the center of a love relationship? Isn’t that more like a parent-child dynamic, in a purely adult relationship?

    Why when you are having second thoughts about a person, society comes up with excuses like who else will love you in your situation, like love is not love but a favor. We should be thankful for the protector to save us and then call charity as love.

    At least if we call it what it is, then we can attune our behavior accordingly. We would know it’s not a relationship of equals who want to be with each other, but more like a charity case, master and his rescued slave.

    Also, what if the person you love is incapable of protecting anyone, even themselves, should that person not be allowed to be in love?

    Why even a slight difference in any characteristic of the person, makes them a not so ideal choice to be loved?
    People who fall in love with people (who are different from ‘normal’ in any way, their background, physical and financial characteristics, social standing), are glorified for being big hearted.
    But what if these human-gods were actually not that cool, and formed this relationship just because they could be glorified and worshipped.

    Another god complex in making.

    But doesn’t that also mean God shouldn’t love us, because we are in front of Him as frail and weak as an infant, living at the mercy of others?

    Does even god not love me just for my being?

    Marry me because I want our love ruined!

    Amorous love when it is turned into marriage is often compared to how capable both the people are, calling them power couple and what not. When we know nobody likes being pitied, marriage is one where one of the qualities acquired to have a long relationship is pity, not compassion but pity, to be accepted by the one who is not so perfect. At least that is being taught to us again and again.

    But does love really need a set of characteristics, a perfect image, a kite with a flying thread? Why do we want to define marriage with who is dependent and who is the protector? Typically the Male is a financial provider and Female everything else. That’s the image society wants to sell at least.

    Girls are typically brought up with this mindset, that a boy, the person who would love and marry would be rescuing her from whatever she is struggling with in her life.
    That she is incapable of saving herself, or shouldn’t rely on her friends or support, but a white knight with shining armour/ a tall dark handsome/ a man who has taken therapy.

    We usually marry our mirror images or polar opposites. It is not like dressing up complimentary where the top has to match the bottom but more like a puzzle, which just fits.
    Because if they are complete on their own, do they really need each other?
    Or is it another form of love where you still are with each other even when you don’t need each other but I wonder how passionate that love can be.

    The fact of the matter is that we will get disappointed in love. That’s how it is. Because if we dig deep into it, disappointment is up to our understanding of love, there is no right or wrong in it. It is what we expected in our relationship.

    Love didn’t disappoint us, our fantasy did.

    No JLo, love does cost a lot of things, including my peace!

    Let’s take a step back. The reason love will have disappointments is because all love is not the same. The expectation of what love would make someone feel, what love will give you to make you feel happy is different for everyone, only they don’t realize it. Even if they do, society is quick to push its definition on everyone.

    We believe love has one definition and probably that’s why we have one common set of expectations but as people we are not one set of people, hence the disappointment. This is why we hear people say they are doing as expected from them in love yet their partner is not happy. Or, my partner is a really nice person, does everything to make me feel loved yet I am not happy and don’t feel loved.

    Love or the happiness associated with it is highly guided by our unmet needs and conditioning (bringing up, childhood, social norms etc). We believe by looking at someone or adopting someone else’s definition of love that this is what will make us happy and loved but we are wrong.
    When we actually get into a relationship, the initial fervour goes away, and what is left is a barrage of unmet needs and expectations. Now if your partner doesn’t know about them they are set to disappoint you again and again. The exam is rigged.

    Even more so, if they do understand, they might have their own resentment that this is not their expectations of love and hence they are unwilling or unable to cater to your needs.

    Also, this needs to be said, people have different unmet needs, some more, some less, some may have none who knows! The relationship would look entirely different for each couple (or throuple, because chaos of two is not enough).

    Does this mean two people with complimentary unmet needs or with no unmet needs at all would have a better relationship, probably. I am not sure. But it seems the more I’m aligned to my own needs and my partner’s, chances are I’ll be able to make them happier.

    Does this mean broken people shouldn’t fall in love? Or is love only for fixed people? Not necessarily. It means the first step is to become aware of what you are and what you are looking for in love and then take it from there.

    Unless you know what you want, how can you expect your partner to know beforehand?

    Once you have realized your non-negotiables or in general what you expect from your partner, you have to communicate them to your partner, no matter how bizarre they are.

    You have no idea what people who love you can do for your bizarre needs. That’s what love is about. Keeping up with your nonsense!

    Because to keep erring is human!

    Coming to disappointments in love, is it okay to leave your love, because they will disappoint you? Is love only about the good times?

    Love is about being with someone, with everything and without too. So those who are scared of pain, are actually disillusioned. They should be told, it’s okay to be in pain, because it’s normal. They can’t avoid it. And if they are avoiding pain, then they are avoiding happiness too.

    The key take away from the ‘Phantom thread’ movie was, you don’t change your partner if there was no sickness. Your partner is not like an insurance policy. You keep buying one with the hope you never need one. Yet you don’t want to keep buying one because you have not been able to use it (fortunately).

    In reality, people have left their partners when they get sick, with the hope of finding better pastures or just running away from the responsibility. So much for being with each other for better or worse.

    We want people (in a relationship like marriage) to stay by our side for a very long time. But for that long time to happen, apparently we need a requirement to stick around, a purpose to keep pulling this relationship forward.

    But do we really want a requirement? Are we sure if there is no requirement people would not stay?

    This idea of people sticking around for a long time is for those relationships where people like being with each other, but not like stale relationships blaring of emotional death.

    Finally, I’m tired!

    Anyway, this exploration of love in all realms is a never ending research. It does bring me closer to God and his beings. This research does make me feel I can have it all, except my ‘all’ is not well defined yet.

    Love will always remain the most talked about, yet most misunderstood, misinterpreted yet most coveted and most thought about feelings. The more I think about it, the more it becomes difficult to understand.

    It’s not for one person or one generation which can figure out its answer, but will take many ages to.

    I will do my bit, till I feel I truly mean when I say ‘I love you’!

    I’ll keep figuring out till I find a concrete answer, if there’s one!