Tag: toxicrelationships

  • In a World of Shadows, Find Your Sunflower People

    A very interesting time to be alive.

    We’ve discussed it often, practiced it daily! Removing toxic people from our lives, like garbage, never looking back. Even though it never feels like garbage, it feels like taking a knife out of your wounds with your own bare hands. It might feel like taking out your heart and squeezing it to bleed, till you don’t feel anything.

    Once you have found the courage to move on, eventually life would become peaceful.

    Wonderful. But what next?

    A lot is said about what not to do. How not to put up with toxic behaviors, how to leave a room that doesn’t respect you, how moving on is better than staying. It is inscribed more like a warning than a suggestion. But what is never discussed is what to do later, and why.

    Many of us were raised in toxic families, only to find ourselves in toxic marriages and friendships later in life. Like a loop, or living in a constant shadow of misfortune.

    We often repeat the mantra: “It’s better to be alone than with toxic people.” But is that really true? Can we truly make it without people? Can we remain our true selves, without having anyone, neither toxic ones or good ones in our lives?

    Enter the Sunflower People 

    Yes, you shouldn’t tolerate toxicity. But sometimes, you simply can’t abandon certain people. You can’t step out of the constant hurt that you have to face, you don’t know what to do except for dying when you are looking for a room to breathe.

    So what is the solution? Can we step out of this loop of loneliness? Can we still be happy after leaving who needed to be left? Can we still feel supported during our times of struggle where we can only endure but not stop?

    Yes absolutely! And that’s why it’s important to cultivate and cherish your sunflower people, after removing the cactus people from your life. They even matter when the garden of your life has all kinds of plants, sometimes with thorns, sometimes with flowers.

    Sunflower people bring light to your life on the darkest days. They are your chosen family. The ones who energize you just by being around them.

    These are the people you must search for, keep holding on to, and never stop appreciating their presence in your life. Don’t stop at one such person! Be greedy! Keep decorating the bouquet of your life with such beautiful and pure people. The more sunflowers, the more beautiful and peaceful it becomes.

    Why They Matter

    Sunflower people give you the energy to face toxic situations. They fill the void left by hurtful ones. They remind you, daily, that you deserve better. Their presence in your life is a testimony that you matter and deserve to be loved.

    They show up in different ways:

    Some you talk to every day.

    Some you meet once a year.

    Some you know digitally/virtually.

    Some you haven’t seen in a decade.

    They don’t all look the same, but they share one thing: they heal you when you connect.

    You regain the strength to face the world again.

    They make your clumsiness charming, your silliness memorable. They remember your little quirks, maybe even your favorite drink. They let you be imperfect in a world that demands perfection. And they always know how to hype you up when you’re down.

    The Gift of Chosen Family

    Not everyone understands this, but building a chosen family is a masterstroke of luck. To handpick the people who surround you. To find your home in others, when you’re lost in life. That is a blessing.

    Be the home to someone. To find your home in someone.

  • Be the Ancestor Your Children Will Thank

    As an adult with a family, if your version of devotion of parents is to follow their life to the T, not changing your lifestyle or locations, mimicking their (unhealthy) life, routine, financial and social choices etc. and expecting your family to do so too, then this stream of thought is for you.

    Ask yourself would you still eat raw meat, just because your ancestors ate in their times, which they did, (they had no knowledge and option).

    I don’t think so!

    That’s because you are already exposed to cooked food (with fancy spices and all), raw veggies and fruits (you need your fibres babe!) and just more hygienic food. We still can’t win against all the pathogens you see!

    You would not eat raw meat for one main reason it could be unhygienic, with disease carrying germs. And, though I am a vegetarian, I assume it would be difficult to chew in the first place. 

    The exposure to better food, cooked food came from knowledge, the growth of civilization. While we respect the difficult old times, we would prefer moving with the times and continue to make better and learned choices. We are already teaming up against processed foods and sugar!

    Now, if at all your love for your parents and ancestry suggests you to follow them without considering the consequences of it on yourself and your family, whether it hampers your child growth, safety and future opportunities, then you my friend are a blind follower!

    You were raised through manipulation and by selfish, insecure parents who can’t think beyond their own needs, unintentionally.

    One would think if everyone else, a plethora of people are making it in the older ways then we can too!

    First describe ‘making it’! If you are unable to chatgpt it!

    Also, this just shows how devoid of critical thinking we are. Not everyone has the choice, but if everybody had an option, then you know the answer.

    As a fan of Interstellar, one thing always stayed with me. Cooper (played by my favorite Matthew McConaughey) promised his daughter Murphy (played by Jessica Chastain), not his father, Donald, that he would come back. And, it was the daughter who trusted his father that he would keep his promise, such is the amount of trust children expect/have on their parents. Cooper became the ‘parent/father’ we all need and worship.

    Now, inarguably the first rule of parenting is what is best for my children, because you brought them into this world. Period. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe the nuances of psychology but God of every religion is exactly doing that for us, His children, the best in every way possible. You can’t fight this fact in any realm, Earth or spiritual.

    There is no other relationship which requires your accountability as this one does. Everything else is a seasoning in the pizza of life. 

    Our great grandparents probably used the same method on our parents. To bind in mental chains, something that one can’t break easily without feeling guilty, despite knowing they are right. That’s how blind cults are made, that’s what an insecure leader would do, emotional blackmailing.

    To keep the flock together, you bring a dog of manipulation and guilt, the fear of abandonment and failure, and even a rational thinker strong sheep would be afraid to leave.

    There is nothing more selfless than raising a child. Making changes in your life for your children is an act of bravery and hope. It sends a message to the society that we matter. These children are the future adults, they will learn it is always human first, material second.

    No amount of wealth can equate the bliss of your people, healthy and thriving.

    Any ounce of people pleasing is detrimental to a child’s growth. Not only as a parent you would make wrong decisions but also your children will also learn it from you.

    They will learn that appeasement is more important than logic, that the past is more important than the future. That, the facade of happiness matters more than real happiness, that we as humans matter less and theatrics matter more.

    Any logical reasoning in this context, for the present and future (children, partner) and the past (parents), will nudge towards making difficult decisions.

    For example, imagine you left your village where your parents and their parents grew up, for better job opportunities. And today, whenever you visit the village, you compare lives at both places naturally. The village hasn’t changed much and still doesn’t promise an overall good life, except a feeling of hometown and nostalgia.

    In the context of the future, it is highly likely you would prefer a bigger city with the hope of better infrastructure, education possibility, healthcare and your own job. 

    This is not against the village! This understanding, if things are not attuned to your present and future needs, if you can’t cater to your loved ones’ needs, it is better to move on from anything non-living. 

    Yes, you can still love your hometown, but you answer your posterity now, not your ancestry (it will be weird if you can).

    You are the ancestor your kids would talk about. The ancestors who made grand changes are always revered more, if that gives you a high. 

    And, even if there is no one praising you and if your family’s health and happiness is ensured, take those decisions, whatever that means. 

    Family means everyone, parents, partner, and children, whoever is dependent on your decisions.

    If their happiness requires moving to the moon or mountains, to the beach or the desert, Move!

    It is entirely up to your family, but in no way a flimsy excuse of love of a place is enough, it has to work out in all scenarios.

    No love is big enough to help you just survive your things.

    Human potential reaches its zenith when it is thriving not surviving. 

    The choice Oh learned (Wo)Man is yours!