Tag: Life

  • Everyday Tools to Soothe a Stressed Nervous System

    Jumping out of bed before the alarm clock even rings, snoozing the alarm 20 times and still dragging yourself out of bed. Our hunger patterns, when angry, our body aches when afraid, the urge to use the toilet repeatedly when nervous, and even bloodwork going out of range these tell a story that’s more than just a personality trait and shouldn’t be ignored.

    Why we need to worry if our body is in a stressed state

    When the body is stressed, especially long term, it puts pressure on different organs to work a little extra, more than required, for an extended period or at least till the trigger is still there. But sometimes, even when the trigger is gone, the effect of it stays, converting it into a chronic stress situation. 

    This can lead to lifestyle diseases. Our brain still operates largely from a hunter-gatherer mindset, and its internal responses are very similar to how it used to combat stress in those times. It will keep dragging itself until it collapses. Today, that collapse often comes as early as at 30 years of age, may be younger and fiercer.

    How stress affects the body, some examples.

    1. Metabolism

    The body starts storing more food by slowing down metabolism. To the brain, stress signals the need to conserve energy, which over time leads to fat deposition especially around the abdomen, digestive issues, hypertension, diabetes and other lifestyle disorders.

    As a result, one of the things that could happen if you’re stressed and eating less food, your body might still retain it and not lose weight as expected.

    2. Sleep

    People either sleep too much or too little. In fact, those who sleep a lot under stress are actually conserving energy that’s being spent on fighting stress. When they start to heal, they may sleep even more because their body can finally relax and recover.

    This is why, after a tough phase or when someone returns to a safe place like home or goes on vacation they may sleep more than expected: their nervous system is finally relaxing.

    Other times, there’s just insomnia. In short, there’s no sleep routine, and you always feel like your system needs recharging.

    3. Movement

    The body resists movement when dysregulated. In its effort to conserve energy, it suppresses any urge to move beyond urgent needs. That’s why people under chronic stress may struggle even to brush their teeth or maintain basic hygiene. They develop pain in many parts of the body which again hampers the urge to move.

    4. Depletion of micronutrients

    People who are constantly under stress, may find their micronutrients level deranged, causing body ache and overall feeling of constant sickness. The body specially uses Vitamin D, B5, B12, C, E, Magnesium during stress directly and indirectly. One will find uric acid deranged too. All these and many other micros out of range in your blood work represent that body needs help.

    How to mitigate effect of stress in our daily life – A Precautionary Approach

    One of the cornerstones of health is slow living to keep the body in a healing condition. Anything too fast is too stimulating during chronic stress. If the body keeps receiving stress signals, it will behave as though it is diseased. With that mindset, no matter what activity you do, your body won’t respond effectively, it still believes it’s in an emergency.

    Even medication won’t work 100% because stress interferes with its effectiveness. The result? Only the dosage keeps increasing.

    The long-term solution to stress is, of course, living a healthy life in a safe, pollution free environment surrounded by a supportive community, with a fulfilling career and satisfying family life.

    But realistically, we often can’t control all these factors. Hence, we are forced to manage stress daily.

    The skills discussed in these articles are effective life tools that should be taught from childhood to old age to help us face life’s hardships without long-term damage to physical and mental health.

    Importance of a resilient nervous system

    We regulate our nervous system to maintain neuroplasticity, emotional resilience, and the ability to process a wide range of emotions with greater physical and mental strength.

    The three pillars of daily nervous system regulation are:

    1. Removal of toxins (like remnants of cortisol, cytokines) from the system
    2. Mimicking safe environment stimuli to return the body to a regulated state, when it can’t do so on its own and the external environment is still stressful
    3. Indulging in activities that release neurotransmitters responsible for long-term peace and happiness

    Mimicking safe environment stimuli approach

    I always used to wonder why actors in movies splash their faces with cold water when they’re agitated or before facing a difficult situation. Why is Mark Hanna’s iconic song and chest-thumping (Matthew McConaughey’s character in The Wolf of Wall Street) such a great relaxation technique? And why does Ranchoddas Chanchad’s song (Aamir Khan in 3 Idiots) “All is well” actually calm your system? All of these have scientific explanations, which I’ve tried to explore in this essay.

    ‘Mimicking safe signals’ can be called the “fake-it-till-you-make-it” approach.

    When we’re stressed, our body behaves in a particular way: heavy or fast breathing, high or low BP, fluid retention, inflammation,  constipation or loose motions, increased urination, slow metabolism, increased appetite, cravings for sugar or salt, and more.

    Under normal circumstances, once the stressor passes, the body resets. But in chronic stress, the body forgets how to return to baseline even if the trigger is gone. That’s when we have to help by sending calming physical signals back to the brain reminding it that the worst is over.

    To mimic safe signals, we do activities that stimulate the vagus nerve.

    The Role of the Vagus Nerve

    The vagus nerve, which starts at the base of the skull and runs to the abdomen, plays a key role in maintaining a sense of safety. Stimulating it tells the body, “All is well.”

    It’s affected by the five senses (touch, smell, taste, sight, sound). Vagus nerve stimulation and somatic exercises reduce stress by suppressing the sympathetic system and activating the parasympathetic nervous system.

    For clarity:

    Sympathetic Nervous System (Fight or Flight)

    • Activated during perceived threats or stress.
    • Prepares the body to confront or flee: increased heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, pupil dilation, increased blood pressure, and suppressed digestion.

    Parasympathetic Nervous System (Rest and Digest)

    • Dominates when the body is calm.
    • Slows heart rate, lowers blood pressure, enhances digestion, promotes relaxation.

    These two systems work in opposition to balance the body’s responses to stimuli and maintain homeostasis. When one is active, the other reduces activity.

    Neurotransmitters

    Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers whose job is to send signals between neurons. Stress significantly impacts the release and function of neurotransmitters.

    Acute stress initiates release of neurotransmitters like adrenaline and noradrenaline to initiate the “fight-or-flight” response, while chronic stress can lead to imbalances in neurotransmitter systems, potentially contributing to mood disorders and other health problems. This is mainly under the control of hormones like cortisol, whose level greatly increases under chronic stress.

    In this discussion, the main neurotransmitters are:

    1. Dopamine
    2. Serotonin
    3. Endorphins
    4. Oxytocin
    5. Nor-epinephrine

    There are various activities that can stimulate the vagus nerve and help signal safety to the body, helping it shift back to a calm, regulated state, both in the short and long term. These not only can help in increasing good neurotransmitters release responsible for better mood, but also decrease long term stress triggers like cortisol release in the body.

    1. Waking up Early And Slowly

    The biggest antidote to stress and anxiety is mindfulness. And one of the easiest ways to achieve it is by noticing your own movements. From my personal experience, being mindful of the moment and noticing your own movements means being slow. Not slow in terms of intelligence, but slow and intentional in your physical actions.

    Mornings set the pace for the whole day. And how calm your morning is affected greatly by the cortisol level, the stress hormone. During tough days, to maintain a sense of calm, it is important to find a way to mitigate effects of spiked cortisol in the morning.

    Hence, if you’re making tea in the morning, make it slowly, not through muscle memory, but with intention. While brushing your teeth, do it slowly, reaching the last molar, feeling the brush inside your mouth. When combing your hair, notice every hand movement and how the hair pulls against your scalp.

    And for all this we need time. How do we create time? By waking up earlier.

    You don’t jump out of bed. You sit up slowly, then gently place your feet on the ground. Feel the earth beneath your feet, barefoot. Sit like this for a minute or two. Then slowly walk out to the balcony, drawing room, or lobby, eyes still half-open. No rush. No thoughts. Just observe the morning and your breath.

    You’ll notice that just 10 minutes of this slowness, allowing your body and organs to wake up gently, can significantly reduce your anxiety, stress, and cortisol levels.

    Also, winding up your day early, eating dinner at least 3 hours before bedtime, has multiple benefits: improved digestion, darkness to support your circadian rhythm, and time for the body to recover after a long day.

    2. Having Breakfast

    One surefire sign of pent-up cortisol is a lack of appetite or zero hunger upon waking. This is one reason stress slows down metabolism and increases the risk of insulin resistance.

    Ideally, you should feel hungry within the first hour of waking. Even if you don’t, try to eat something within that hour. This creates a positive feedback loop and sets the tone for a healthy day.

    3. Chewing

    It’s said we should chew each bite 32 times to aid digestion and give the stomach enough time to signal when it’s full.

    But there’s another benefit: jaw movement stimulates the vagus nerve, helping to calm the body. Chewing gum, for example, is known to promote relaxation, not because of the gum, but because of the chewing action. Even pretending to chew can calm you down.

    Slow eating relaxes the body for several reasons:

    Eating itself is a positive stimulus. Fat in food releases dopamine, a happiness-related neurotransmitter. Taste and smell activate the vagus nerve, engaging the parasympathetic system (rest and digest), enhancing feelings of safety and relaxation.

    4. Breathwork

    Breathwork techniques are designed to stimulate the vagus nerve.

    You may have noticed that your breathing pattern changes when you’re stressed. Breathwork creates an outside-in feedback loop: if internal stress leads to shallow breathing, then mimicking deep, calm breathing from the outside can tell your body that all is well.

    Diaphragmatic breathing (also known as belly breathing or deep breathing), where you focus on expanding your belly with each inhale, activates the vagus nerve. This leads to reduced heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormone levels.

    5. Slow Walking in Nature / Exposure to the Color Green

    Our eyes are highly sensitive to green light, meaning it takes less effort for the brain to process it. Engaging the eyes stimulates the vagus nerve. It also connects to our ancestral brain where green means abundance, safety, and food, triggering a positive psychological response and promoting peace and harmony. The same goes for observing water bodies.

    A slow walk in nature, keeping green plants in your home or office, or regularly gazing at trees and greenery, positively impacts mental health. It helps decompress and regulate breathing.

    This is different from brisk walking. While fitness benefits from brisk walking or jogging, chronic stress requires slow walking. For a dysregulated nervous system, anything fast-paced is a stimulant and may lead to further dysregulation.

    6. Walking Barefoot on the Ground

    Walking barefoot helps with grounding and engages the sense of touch. Direct contact with the earth may also neutralize excess positive ions accumulated from electronic devices, pollution, and metabolic activity. This neutralisation potentially reduces stress and anxiety. The earth’s electrons act as natural antioxidants, reducing oxidative stress and inflammation.

    Stimulating nerve endings in the feet enhances blood flow throughout the body and is a gentle form of exercise that calms the mind.

    Going barefoot in large open spaces like temples is an instant grounding technique. These places often have high ceilings, wide open areas, and soothing or no sounds, creating an environment of calm.

    7. Chanting / Singing Aloud / Humming

    Chanting OM, making a “woo” sound, or humming (as done in breathwork or pranayama) all have a calming effect on the nervous system. When you’re emotionally spiraling, even humming a song can calm the brain. Gargling is also one of the ways to calm emotional turbulence.

    Singing or chanting aloud especially in a group regulates the nervous system and creates a sense of community, a crucial pillar for maintaining mental well-being.

    8. Somatic Exercises

    Here are simple somatic exercises you can do anytime, anywhere under a minute:

    • Rubbing ears and the area around them
    • Moving eyes side to side
    • Fast blinking
    • Filling your mouth with air (like a puffer fish or frog) and moving eyes side to side
    • Mimicking chewing by moving the jaw
    • Chest or shoulder tapping
    • Self-hug along with shoulder tapping
    • Whole body shaking or rebounding on feet
    • Deep breaths (Inhale 4 – Exhale 8)

    During or after these exercises, you may find yourself yawning, burping, swallowing, or sneezing, these are signs that your body is releasing stress. You can continue these activities until the stress response subsides. Initially, it may take about 5 minutes. Eventually, 1–2 minutes will be enough.

    Over time, with regular practice, your body may start releasing accumulated stress on its own, even without these exercises.

    Engaging Pre-Frontal Cortex

    Moreover, any activity that requires voluntary facial movement like intentionally touching your face, puffing your cheeks, or touching your eyebrows, engages the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking and decision-making.

    When we are agitated or highly emotional, the prefrontal cortex tends to disengage, which is why we may act irrationally in those moments. Engaging in intentional facial movements can help reactivate the prefrontal cortex, enabling us to calm down and make more rational decisions in the moment.

    Removal of toxins from body

    Now, let’s discuss our first approach to regulating the nervous system which is removal of toxins from the body.

    This primarily involves the movement of lymph.

    Anything that our body experiences and expresses is communicated through chemicals produced in the body. The feeling of happiness, for example, is linked to a specific neurotransmitter. The same goes for every other emotion. 

    Once the job of that chemical is done, it becomes a waste product or toxin that needs to be removed, just like we take out the trash from our homes daily. Usually it is done automatically by the body, but when the amount of stress is high and chronic, the body needs a little help.

    Apart from blood, the body has another essential fluid called lymph, which is managed through the lymphatic system. This system acts as the body’s drainage mechanism, collecting excess fluids, proteins, and waste products from tissues and returning them to the bloodstream.

    During stress, the body produces more waste and inflammatory molecules. The lymphatic system helps remove these, preventing fluid buildup and promoting well-being. 

    Specifically, lymphatic drainage massage can promote relaxation, reduce muscle tension, improve sleep, and boost immunity. It also helps reduce inflammation and cortisol levels by inducing relaxation. Therefore, toxin removal becomes crucial during long-term, high-stress situations.

    You might wonder why doesn’t lymph move automatically, like blood pumped by the heart?

    Because the lymphatic system doesn’t have a pump. It relies on movement and gravity to reach the desired points where it mixes with blood.

    Chronic stress and prolonged inactivity impair the lymph vessels, which hinders detoxification.

    Activities to remove toxins from body

    1. Inversions, gravity, and lymphatic drainage massage

    Children and active individuals have lower levels of stress-related diseases because regular body movement helps lymph flow and reduces inflammation.

    Lymph nodes are located in the neck, armpits, abdomen, and groin, making inverted postures and targeted massage important for stimulating lymph flow.

    Inversions also improve circulation by aiding venous blood flow from the pelvis to the heart, which sends it to the lungs for oxygenation. This improves oxygen intake and supports slower, deeper breathing.

    2. Body massage

    Touch and massage stimulate the vagus nerve, promoting relaxation. Massage also relieves muscle tension. Facial massage supports lymph movement and reduces bloating.

    3. Tapping/Body Shaking

    Tapping on joints, chest, shoulders, or lymph-node-rich areas helps lymph movement and stress release.

    Other approaches that support a calm mind:

    1. Exposure to cold temperature

    a. Cold represses the sympathetic nervous system and activates the parasympathetic system.

    b. It constricts blood vessels, followed by vasodilation, improving circulation and reducing inflammation.

    c. It increases dopamine, enhancing mood.

    d. It may reduce allergic reactions by lowering histamine production, which is heightened in high-stress bodies.

    Ways to expose the body to cold:

    • Cold baths, especially in the morning.
    • Cold rinses before bed, which cool the body, promote hygiene, and aid relaxation.
    • Bringing down temperature of the room when preparing to sleep
    • Splashing cold water on the face or sipping cold water when angry, which activates the parasympathetic system and clears the mind.
    • Holding or rubbing an ice pack on the face, neck, or shoulders, helps calm intense emotions quickly.

    2. Keeping your surroundings clean / Decluttering / Minimalism

    An anxious mind, especially a traumatized or dysregulated nervous system (e.g., postpartum moms, people with chronic illness or mental health issues), scans the environment for threats.

    A clutter-free, organized space is easier to scan and feels safer. Cultural conditioning also associates tidy spaces with better living standards. Thus, clutter can make people feel like they’re failing at life.

    That’s why spiritual places are often minimalistic and non-stimulating.

    3. Animals

    Animals aren’t stressed by the same situations as humans (e.g., job stress, breakups), making them great co-regulators.

    Since birth, our brains seek a calm nervous system to sync with. As adults, we still need calming partners. Dogs, cows, and other animals are known for this. Caring for a pet also provides a sense of purpose, especially helpful during depressive phases.

    4. Exercise/Lymph movement

    Lymph mixes with blood near the shoulders and arms. Moving these areas helps with drainage.

    Exercise also burns extra energy, regulates insulin, releases endorphins, improves sleep, and boosts energy.

    However, the type of exercise matters. Fast-paced workouts may worsen anxiety. In such cases, slow, intentional movements like a calm walk are more soothing. People with chronic mental health issues should ideally work with trauma-informed trainers.

    5. Healthy food

    A balanced diet is essential during stress. The body needs complex carbs and healthy fats (like omega-3s) to regulate stress responses.

    Protein provides amino acids, the building blocks of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. Vitamins C, D, and the B-complex group support immunity and mental health. They are terrific anti-oxidants.

    Probiotics and fermented foods help because gut bacteria influence neurotransmitter production. Imbalances in gut bacteria are linked to inflammation, mood disorders, and cognitive challenges.

    The gut also helps regulate cortisol. An unhealthy microbiome can disrupt this, raising stress levels.

    As under chronic stress, these nutrients would be depleted at a much faster rate than stress free times, it is essential to recuperate the body to come back to its natural calm state.

    Nutrient deficiency can worsen the chronic stress situation.

    6. Handwork

    Creative manual activities like painting, writing, chopping/cooking, knitting, crocheting, crafting, or pottery can calm the mind. Minimal machinery and hands-on work help you stay present.

    7. Other helpful tools:

    • Physical sports
    • Dancing/Yoga
    • Time with friends and family
    • Travel to serene, low-pollution places with lots of nature
    • Playing musical instruments (non-app based)
    • Physical touch like hugging, holding hands with people who you are close to

    8. Talking/Venting

    It is imperative to talk regularly to someone who believes you. Someone who can validate your experience. Even if they don’t have a solution, simply feeling understood by another person has a deeply calming effect.

    Having someone who sees that you’re hurting and responds with empathy can motivate you to heal and help you feel supported during difficult times.

    That’s why therapy can be so helpful for improving mental health. A trained practitioner can validate your experience and also guide you toward healing.

    In case a friend or therapist isn’t available, talking to a language model like ChatGPT can temporarily help calm your mind by offering a listening ear and reflective advice.

    9.Journaling

    Handwritten journaling offers many benefits. It not only helps with venting, clearing thoughts, and understanding your emotions, but the very act of writing also engages your senses, deepening the healing process.

    10. Community, purpose, charity, spirituality, gratitude

    A strong community of trustworthy people, a purpose to wake up for, and a long-term life vision greatly impact well-being.

    Even a modest, non-material goal can be motivating. Reading, being in a good company, volunteering, and traveling all add perspective and gratitude. Role models or beloved people (even animals or causes) can inspire us to keep going.

    Acts of kindness, helping others with no expectations, boost self-worth and positivity. They remind us that we matter.

    Sometimes people with mental health issues feel they have no value or that the world revolves entirely around them. Humble service can restore balance. It teaches us that we’re valuable, even if others don’t affirm it.

    Humility fosters joy and appreciation for life.

    In my view, true mental health requires engagement with philosophy, spirituality, and human psychology. You don’t need to go deep, but occasionally reflecting on life’s purpose and human behavior can offer powerful healing insights.

    Religion can offer a sense of community and purpose. Even for the non-religious, aligning with a cause bigger than oneself can bring deep meaning.

    In conclusion:

    Caring for your mental and physical health is worth the effort, it helps you live a more peaceful, fulfilling life.

    These practices are not substitutes for professional medical treatment, therapy, or medication. Not every method suits everyone. These ideas are based on personal experience and research; I’m not a licensed practitioner.

    They are simple, daily habits that support nervous system regulation and can complement other treatments, especially for stress-related lifestyle disorders.

    Always consult an expert before trying anything new, especially if you’re unsure. Let these tools inspire your own research. There’s plenty of expert-backed content available online and in books for further reading.

    Happy Living!!

  • The Painting Was Never Supposed to Be Neat

    In the workshop of life, you get a full palette of colors. Some are probably more abundant than others. The supply of every color keeps changing with the seasons of life.

    The brush is in your hand, and so is the choice which color to use, and how much.

    While painting on the canvas, you don’t worry about how much color will be left. You draw and use colors based on your imagination, your needs, envisioning what would make the final work beautiful.

    If you were to start saving or overusing a color, the painting wouldn’t turn out the way you expected.

    If someone told you or you read somewhere that your painting should have a lot of yellow, using it might not feel true to you.

    And sometimes, just by looking at someone else’s painting, you might feel inspired to add more brown, which ends up adding a kind of magic to your own work that you never even expected.

    In any case, if your painting is made based on suggestions and thoughts that don’t feel true or honest to you, then even if it looks beautiful, you may not fully connect with it because you compromised its authenticity. Your own imagination. Your own expectations.

    Isn’t that how the story of life is?

    Worrying about our emotions, our blessings, the resources we’ve been given.

    Worrying about what others tell us, how we’re supposed to live, what the final look of our life should be.

    What happiness should look like without ever asking ourselves.

    And when we go by what others say, or follow the conditioning that life is about perfection, we start worrying about emptying the containers of colors given to us and so we overuse them.

    And sometimes the scarcity scares us, and we start saving them because someone told us that using them will take our security away.

    Then they remain unutilized.

    Unlived.

    Hoarding never brought any joy.

    And that’s the point.

    There is a perfect ratio for this beautiful creation.

    You don’t disturb it by worrying about wastage or usage.

    But does everyone know what that perfect ratio is?

    I doubt it.

    Our life is an evolving piece of work.

    Based on our circumstances, the mix of colors we use keeps changing. Our imagination of the final look of the canvas keeps changing too.

    So what do we do? Should we worry about getting it right from the start?

    Probably we can’t.

    But what we can do is give it our 100%, make it 100% authentic, 100% ours.

    Use what is given to us by choice, not by someone else’s expectations.

    Like a painting, life remains fluid.

    Ever moving. Ever changing. Ever evolving.

    It doesn’t matter how efficient we were in the process of living it with our abilities, blessings, and circumstances.

    The point is:

    Do we like the final outcome of it?

    Do we feel ourselves in it?

    Nobody can tell me if my painting should have more green or yellow.

    Nor should I worry about the leftover orange.

    I’ll paint what my heart says.

    Even if it’s just black and white.

  • Seeing the Driver Within: Self-Awareness as a Way of Life

    This is an essay about something we hear daily, in every motivational video, every honest podcast, even in conversations with friends, partners, or children.

    It’s self-awareness.

    Everyone talks about it, but few truly engage with it. It’s often mistaken for a punishment , considered a burden, a summit to conquer, a painful confrontation with the self.

    People assume self-awareness is anti-ego, a punch to one’s pride.

    How can I have issues? Aren’t I a decent human being? Why should I worry about how my behavior affects others? Am I not troubled by them too?

    We tell ourselves, “We can just move past it. Forget it. Shove it. Drink on it. Sleep on it. Everything but deal with it? Why bother?”

    We’ve built a culture of zero accountability. A myth that our personalities are fixed at birth, that children act out because it’s in their genes, that adults are how they are because God made them that way. So why change? Why even try?

    I believed these things once. But then I learned.

    There’s extensive research on this, human behavior isn’t just a random trait; it’s largely acquired. Yes, acquired, not “owned,” not “innate.”

    Our behaviors are deeply influenced by:

    1. Where and when we were born – the country, the city, the traditions, the safety or danger level of our environment.
    2. Our family structure – how we were raised, whether the home was loving or dysfunctional, healthy or chaotic.
    3. Financial conditions and parental health — how much stress existed in the house, how much care children received.
    4. Education and peer groups — the kind of schooling and societal pressures we were exposed to.
    5. Safety and trauma — including exposure to crime, abuse, or neglect.

    Even in good homes, other subtle forces shape us:

    1. The food we eat, the boundaries set, the moral values passed on.
    2. Whether we were taught to handle emotions or suppress them.
    3. If we had access to safe adults or relied on friends and media for guidance.
    4. If we were encouraged to ask questions or silenced for being difficult.

    And then there are the negatives:

    1. Did we grow up in chaos and develop coping mechanisms just to survive?
    2. Were we expected to raise ourselves – or worse, our parents and siblings?
    3. Were our choices constantly shamed, our emotions dismissed, our voices unheard?
    4. Did we watch our caregivers ignore their health, never take breaks, or suppress their own feelings with addictions?

    Hence, even the tiniest patterns in daily life come from this early conditioning. A child who was never nurtured may grow up not knowing how to care for themselves.

    Whether you take a bath every day or not , yes, even that, might trace back to your upbringing.

    Children who weren’t taught how to deal with emotions may end up looking fine on the outside, but are numbing on the inside. They might throw themselves into books, sports, or art, not out of passion, but as a survival technique.

    Others may go down darker paths like addiction, crime, or dangerous behavior. Some are calling for attention. Others are trying to silence their own minds.

    But all of them need guidance – until at least the age of 25 – to make sense of life.

    As adults, our personalities ,be it good and bad, are shaped by these early scripts.

    They influence our career choices, relationships, addictions, emotional patterns, even how we handle food, rest, or routine.

    So does this mean we’re off the hook? Not at all.

    It means: if someone asks you to look into your behavior, take a pause. Don’t defend or attack. Reflect.

    If you grew up in a home with an unstable food situation, you might now overeat, undereat, cling to certain foods, or feel disconnected from food altogether. That’s not shameful. It’s a story. A root.

    And self-awareness means noticing it, not blaming yourself for it.

    You can still have personal preferences, but if a behavior is hurting you or your relationships, wouldn’t it help to understand why?

    Self-awareness is not an apology letter. It’s not a TED Talk you deliver to everyone around you.

    It’s a personal manual you quietly update. It means you choose knowledge over ignorance, introspection over projection.

    It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else. It just makes you a work-in-progress, like all of us.

    It creates space for kindness, because once you see a trait in someone, you begin to ask: “What story does this belong to?” Instead of judging, maybe we offer a little grace.

    And even if we decide to step back, we don’t carry resentment.

    This isn’t abstract talk. Self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools we have to live an intentional life. In tough times or big decisions, a little backtracking into our behavioral roots can change the game.

    And if we can’t decode it ourselves , that’s why professionals exist.

    But we must understand: self-awareness is an investment. Its effects are subtle, but lifelong.

    It won’t transform you overnight, but it will transform your life.

    And if, as families or communities, we begin to live this way, the ripple effect would be magical. A near-utopia.

    Imagine if we truly understand ourselves. We’d know our emotional switches. We’d know what version of us needs to show up, and when.

    We’d respond, not react.

    We wouldn’t be living on autopilot. We’d be manually cruising.

    And how cool is that?

  • May Be We Meet Again: Parallel Lives and the Journey of the Soul

    We live under the illusion of closeness, but perhaps no two souls ever truly meet. We orbit, we intertwine, we collide in emotion, in time, in memory, yet remain untouched at the core.

    Like parallel lines, we move close enough to feel fused, yet never lose our separateness.

    Love, friendship, marriage and even ‘bhakti’/devotion to god ,they promise union. But is union ever real, or is it a longing? 

    A dream of dissolving into someone else, only to return to ourselves more aware of the space that separates?

    In the dance of destiny, maybe it’s not about merging but witnessing, walking beside, never within. The ache we feel isn’t always from disconnection, but from the illusion that connection must erase the self.

    The geometry of relationships

    As children, we seek fusion. We want to be held so closely that there is no boundary between us and the world.

    But adulthood demands a quiet reckoning: that no matter how deeply we love, how long we stay, or how fiercely we feel, we remain distinctly ourselves. 

    This is not a failure of connection, but perhaps its highest form, to be known without vanishing, to be loved without dissolving.

    Relationships then become less about becoming one, and more about walking parallel, close, attuned, affected, yet sovereign.

    Romantically, we often chase the fantasy of completion. When we fall in love, there’s a hunger, to be engulfed, or to engulf.

    We want to devour and be devoured, physically and emotionally. 

    But even the most intense love can end in a painful fallout. Hearts shatter. The pain feels irreparable, and sometimes, maybe it is. Yet even if there is no falling out, even when passion is shared, yet there is a feeling of emptiness. 

    It feels even after pouring your cup completely, something in you still remains, untouched, undisturbed, unspilled.

    And that what remains is the ‘I’ which never loses itself, no matter how much we try to give it away.

    Sometimes we come across those friendships that make us believe we can’t function without the other. We cling. We depend. Our happiness and sadness depend on the existence of others.

    These siamese twins are not conjoined physically, but in emotion.

    And then the lore of marriage. The popular belief that marriage is the goal which will lead to the bliss that everyone has the right to. But even when love fades in a marriage, we hold onto the belief that this person is our eternal anchor, still our savior, the messiah. 

    And despite this yearning and this effort to keep the relationship intact, this bond frays, the warmth goes away. The hope to attain this ultimate bliss quietly diminishes.

    We may emotionally be hanging on by a thread, even if, officially, the relationship stays intact.

    When I try to reach God

    Spiritually, when we speak of merging with a higher power or becoming one with all, this idea rests on a profound paradox. In non-dual traditions like Advaita Vedanta and certain schools of Buddhism, the individual soul is not separate from the ultimate reality, it is the higher power. The boundaries between “I” and “other” dissolve; there is only oneness. 

    The self is seen as an illusion, and awakening means realizing that soul and divine are one and the same. Probably this is where our present form of amorous love takes inspiration from.

    At the same time, dualistic traditions such as Sufism and Vaishnavism speak of an eternal coexistence with the divine, where the soul remains distinct yet forever united with the ultimate source of love.

    In these paths, the “I” does not disappear but lives in a loving relationship with the beloved, the divine, never losing its identity even in transcendence.

    This tension, the paradox of unity and individuality, deeply shapes the spiritual journey. 

    How can personal bliss flourish when the self both dissolves into oneness and yet must remain distinct? 

    The very essence of personal joy and love seems to depend on the presence of a unique “I.”

    Is there an absolute answer?

    True bliss is found not in choosing between these different spiritual views but in embracing their coexistence: being one with everything, coexisting amicably with everything and also the one, yet profoundly oneself. 

    It is the delicate dance of merging and standing apart, finding peace in the mystery that the self can be infinite and intimate all at once.

    And that brings me to the metaphor of parallel lines. Lines that are impossibly close, running together for infinity, and yet, never meeting.

    This, I feel, is the nature of all human connection. We may walk side by side, but we do not merge. Our identities never fully dissolve.

    The “I” always remains

    I may give you everything but still something in me remains, which is mine, forever. And even I can’t erase it.

    Even the most submissive among us still carries an “I” that wants to exist. 

    Romantically, this realization may feel melancholic, never to melt into one with a soulmate.

    But spiritually, it’s almost magical, to feel union, while still remembering who we are.

    If there were no individuality, how would we even experience oneness?

    The vastness of ‘I’

    This sense of “I” is not ego. It’s awareness. The I that chooses relationships or the path to eternal bliss.

    It’s the part that lets us appreciate connection without losing selfhood.

    If I extend this back to earthly relationships, it challenges the fairytale endings that were sold.

    Passionate love is supposed to mean becoming one, souls merging, personalities entwined. But maybe the real bliss comes from preserving awareness. 

    Of being two individuals, consciously choosing to flow together, not disappear into each other.

    The need to understand ‘I’

    At the risk of sounding too rational, sometimes, logic is the gateway to emotional and spiritual freedom. 

    The more I become aware of myself, the more clearly I can hear what my soul longs for, and move toward it, until it’s within reach.

    To understand this ‘I’, one needs inner work, spiritual and psychological. To let go of the ego which inhibits understanding of oneself, a deterrent in attaining true happiness. 

    When we make enough effort to realize who we are and what we want, it’s easier to decide which path to take to reach the ultimate goal that we have defined for our life.

    The evolving journey of ‘ours’

    The takeaway for me is this, life is a personal journey. Not necessarily alone, but always individual. You may want to consume someone, or be consumed. But you never truly can. 

    We co-exist, just like parallel lines. Sometimes infinitesimally close. Sometimes drifting apart. 

    And sometimes, like in non-Euclidean geometry, paths that were never aligned might finally meet, after an eternity.

    And maybe that’s the quiet beauty of it all. In a world where nothing truly fuses, we still reach. 

    That despite the certainty of separation, we still choose to walk, to witness, to love.

    That even if our paths never truly intersect, the nearness of another soul becomes its own kind of grace. 

    We orbit one another, not to complete, but to reflect, to remind, to remember that we were never meant to vanish into someone else, but to fully arrive in ourselves, again and again, alongside those who do the same.

    Perhaps we were never meant to merge, only to meet, like light through glass. Just passing through, never clinging, casting something beautiful in its wake.

  • The Roles We Play-The People We Forget

    She stood in the kitchen, not because she loved to cook, but because being a wife meant she had to. He fixed the pipe, not because he was good at it, but because being a man meant he had to. 

    Beneath their roles, they were just tired people longing to be seen.

    Why do we choose to live as roles instead of just us? 

    Roles that we inherit due to our birth, that are assigned to us or based on what we want to be in a personal relationship, where we come from, our gender , and even our caste or race.

    We don’t just inherit roles, we crave love through them. As a child, we wish our parents would see us beyond performance. As adults, we carry that wish into marriage, friendships, and families. But instead of intimacy, roles offer scripts.

    Because it seems as though we’ve forgotten that beneath these roles, there’s a human being trying to make sense of the world, struggling to keep up with expectations and standards that are not their own, but set by others.

    One instance of our prejudice about roles is menial work. Blue-collar work is not respected as much in India because people are seen for the work they do, not for the human they are. 

    We fail to recognize the privileges we have and how they shape the way we interact with others in a society.

    The emotional burden of performance

    One of the things growing up I have always resented is how easily anybody is insulted when they are not doing the job intended for them as per the standard set by the society, beyond the salary or money involved, but sometimes including that too.

    We are reduced to tasks, roles, and duties, based on time, tradition, culture, location, and gender and are judged by how well we fulfill the expected roles, and this judgment is constant. 

    There’s no room for understanding the complexities of a person’s life or the struggles they face. 

    Instead, we’ve built a system where anyone can become a judge, offering critiques and shame without empathy. 

    The masks we wear

    It’s almost as if every person is a machine, expected to perform at the same level of efficiency and productivity without deviation, without room for humanity. 

    I wonder who said ‘we are all born unique’!

    And when someone doesn’t meet these expectations, it’s easy for society to point the finger. 

    But when those same judges are asked to look inward and examine their own flaws, the room falls silent. 

    Bubbles in my head

    These accountability questions lead to a cycle of shame, hurt, and dejection in the heart of the person who was busy judging others but never tried to take a look inside. 

    People feel as though they’re never good enough, that they’re failing at a role something they never even chose to play. 

    They seek acceptance, to be seen beyond their roles. They want someone to tell them it’s okay to not be perfect. 

    They want someone to tell them not to be so harsh to themselves. But more often than not, society offers no space for such grace.

    Despite this core desire of being accepted for who they are without being shamed for their perceived inefficiencies, the hurt and imperfect people cover this shame, and dejection because yes, maybe they are “so weak and inefficient’, because that’s how deep the conditioning is.

    Or they would turn these complex feelings into anger, that nobody is willing to help them or understand them yet are willing to judge them.

    So they build a chasm, or they become a doormat.

    They are willing to be treated like the worst person as their punishment, or they are willing to wear the strongest emotional armour so that nobody and nothing, no warmth and love, can pass through it.

    The fixation on structure v/s desire to flow

    This brings me to a bigger question: Why do we care so much about roles? 

    Why is it that our relationships, our entire way of living, is based on these predetermined expectations? 

    Is it a trust issue? Do we believe that if we don’t define everything, love and care won’t flow naturally? 

    Why do we prioritize tradition over genuine expressions of love, even when it suffocates us? 

    Why do we feel trapped by expectations from people who may not even love us?

    Unless there is some psychological reasoning behind it, for example, parents have to take care of the young ones because young ones are dependent on adults, hence they can’t worry about the child’s expression of love towards them, there is no room for discussion on why we have to continue to keep living up those roles which feel more like a burden.

    Putting my thinking cap on

    Shouldn’t expectations from the role we play in our relationships as adults should be on the basis of how the person is, rather than pre writing, pre-ordaining it?

    Because it puts the onus on the person themself, whether they want to be in that role or not, instead of society thrusting their traditions on them. There is a greater accountability in their behavior, should they choose to be in a certain role/relationship.

    For example, in modern married couples, both partners work. Why should gender roles still define who does the housework and who works outside?

    Why can’t the husband cook because he’s better at it, or the wife handle the finances because she’s better at it? 

    Haven’t we progressed enough to have a mature discussion with our partners and parents about how we would like to lead our life?

    Why do we still need religion and tradition to tell us if we are falling short of our own responsibilities, or what living a healthy relationship should look like?

    What exactly is missing?

    Is it education? Or is it critical thinking? Is it the belief that humans don’t or can’t change?

    Maybe some people should be left alone because they don’t want to take any responsibility. Society has to expect not everyone is born to build a family.

    The rigged system- Role inequality in marriage & family

    This also leads to another dilemma, why should everybody have the same set of roles and responsibilities to live up to, against their will?

    For instance, why should people be forced to marry if they are really not interested in sharing that ideology with anyone? What for them marriage should be just a label and they still live their life like when they were unmarried, without any burden? 

    Why should every couple marry, if they are happily making it work without a label? Why should monogamy be the norm for a couple if the couple is okay with polygamy or open relationships, or many other new formats out there? 

    Why should every person grow up with this notion that they will get a partner despite making zero efforts in becoming a good match? 

    Why should every couple think about becoming a parent just because society expects them to? 

    Why can’t friends raise a family together, and still date outside?

    Why should only the husband have to worry about finances and a house, why raising kids should be a concern for the mother only? Why is birthing the only way to become a parent? 

    Why aren’t people with pets acknowledged as a family?

    Why do people inherently think they will automatically have the right to their parents’ property or partner’s hard work, despite being an abuser to them? 

    Why should society decide how adult children take care of their parents? Why only daughters leave their house after marriage, why not the couple choose where they would like to live and how to take care of each other’s family? 

    Why is adoption looked down upon, even if the couple is able to conceive? Why adopt only neurotypical children? Why parents aren’t encouraged to adopt disabled or neurodivergent or special children?

    Why should a couple be told how many kids they should birth and what their gender should be? Why can’t a mother choose whether she wishes to work or not after having children or whether she wants to halt her career for raising kids? 

    When would it end?

    When a man and woman get married, the woman is expected to know cooking, house chores, and caretaking of elderly and children by default. It is never considered whether she is even interested in cooking, or caretaking or how skilled she is. 

    She is expected to cook and do house work like a professional, whereas for the same work there are professional degrees out there and men are at the helm of all these fields. 

    Men get the medals for performing best at these jobs which are basically domestic work for a woman, but a woman is never appreciated for the similar hard work she puts in to make a house, a family work.

    It’s said she’s born to be a slave (read wife and a mother) and shouldn’t complain.

    The husband has to know how saving works, and bring home the maximum amount of salary and financial freedom without understanding whether he is skilled to do that.

    He should do the heavy physical work of the house, be the alpha, and be aggressive. He also should be ready to fire a punch when required, and has to be the engineer, plumber, carpenter and mechanic of the house. 

    He has to put his personal goals aside, to meet the family goals always. A man’s life is about providing, he can’t dream of pursuing anything for his soul while taking care of his family.

    He can’t ask his wife to take care of the finances, should he feel not strong or inclined enough.

    The man is ridiculed for being soft and emotional and if pursues art as a hobby. He is made fun of if talks about emotions and self care.

    His identity is defined by the hours he spends at work, and the money he brings in. He would be shamed if he is dependent on his wife financially or if she earns more than him.

    A man is not a human being, but money making machine and free of cost handy-man for life.

    He also has to be on his masculine side always and if as a husband is warm to his wife and as a father is caring for his children, then he is made fun of like he is being too soft to be called a man. 

    Men can’t be feminist, else according to the society they’d lose their masculinity. Men can’t be non violent too, because that means they are just weak.

    If a husband chooses to earn less or looks less physically appealing than her wife, like shorter height, then society keeps reminding the couple how the wife is at the losing end.

    In the same breath, if the wife is less pretty, is not good at housework, tends to fight for her rights, has a voice and is a feminist (as they say it), then she is continuously reminded she is not the ideal partner her husband should get. 

    The best wife is a submissive kind who has no rights and voice of her own.

    When the wife expects financial support from the husband apart from the house expenditure, then she is ridiculed that she is supposed to sacrifice and made to feel like a burden and a money waster. 

    Whereas a husband can bring any number of guests to cater to and the wife should be ready to put up with a smile at any time of the day because of what the role demands.

    But the husband can say no to any demand in the name of only earner hence decision maker of the house, even after being aware that wife has no other avenue and time to earn money.

    Men are made the alpha, with only the criteria of money, without assesing how well they are taking care of their family.

    A wife is only custodian of the money that her husband earns, she can’t ask for an allowance, in fact she has to think before asking, else she will be ridiculed for being a spent thrift and called greedy. She is expected to never save and can be asked for her assets or jewellery to be sold at any point, without her consent. 

    This has already created dual pressure on women these days, to be a perfect homemaker and excellent at office work too. She can’t think of not earning, because whenever she will need money, she’d be made to feel like a beggar.

    This is the female empowerment, to save oneself from the insult. Instead of teaching men their responsibility and healthy mindset about it, women have to figure it out themselves.

    Women have to overperform to be heard, to be safe, to be respected. Not because they are weak, but because the system was never built to protect them, only to contain them. 

    Also, only a man’s work is valued because it is economically productive yet on the other side, the man is not supposed to enjoy any family bliss and has to spend his days only providing for family. 

    The number of hours and the hard work both the partners are putting in to make the family work are not accounted for equitably.

    Sometimes, I actually wonder is patriarchy even beneficial to men? Wouldn’t feminism actually empower them ?

    The cycle of pain goes on

    Parents have to be always on the providing end and children take no responsibility as adults, especially if parents are not able to.

    Parents are unwilling to adjust and change their lifestyles as per their adult children’s capacity, leading to tension between both the generations. 

    ‘It was your job to raise us’, that’s what parents get to hear. Or ‘we did so much for you, yet you complain’, told by parents to their children.

    These are the normal discourse between adult children and parents, where no side is willing to take any accountability of their behavior and how they could be hurting one another.

    All these scenarios, just indicate one side sacrificing their heart and body out and other reaping benefits of the love the other person is pouring, without any accountability.

    What starts as a tired sigh in the kitchen or a quiet resentment at work soon reveals a larger pattern. These aren’t personal failures. They’re systemic expectations. And they shape every household, every marriage, every mind.

    Disadvantages of preset roles and responsibilities

    People take advantage of the system, and repent despite falling short of that role. 

    For example in a lot of family disputes, adults who are not even properly taking care of their old parents, harass them for money and property. 

    In many marriages, one partner exploits the other in the name of the traditional role set by the society. A husband who doesn’t contribute financially still expects his wife to do all the housework with grace and might even push her for earning.

    A wife who is not interested in taking care of her side of duties, makes a big deal when her husband doesn’t support her financially.

    Men expecting dowry and women dragging and blackmailing men in the name of women’s rights to get alimony is the new trend.

    Societal rigidity vs personal choice

    All of these issues, according to me, could be resolved, if people just accepted their shortcomings and had an honest conversation about what they want from that relationship. 

    It shouldn’t be about this is how things have been done till now but more about this is what i’m able to offer, and is the other one agreeing to accept that.

    I am my own enemy

    The problem is people associating their behavior with their role, instead of assessing their own actions, they tend to maintain a report card of every other person.

    It seems, we are completely driven by ego, not by love. 

    We just don’t want to be blamed, yet in that process if we lose peace and happiness, then that’s okay.

    People tend to have a fair idea about where the other person is falling short and why they need to be ridiculed for being inefficient.

    But if you truly ask them, “why do you think the other person is inefficient?”, they have some brazen responses which include shaming people, calling them lazy, selfish, manipulative, and cruel.

    And if you ask them why they themselves are falling short in their own role, then they’d give you a laundry list of reasons, which eventually means, cut them some slack and not bother with judgment, have some pity on them.

    The abyss within

    All in all, the discussions are always futile because you can never reach a consensus point with someone who is unwilling to have a real discussion about themselves and those who are unwilling to extend grace to others.

    This always makes me wonder why there are such major trust issues in all of our relationships.

    And then I observe, during their childhood, none of these people were extended any grace or honesty or space to be themselves.

    So today, they struggle to name their feelings and emotions.

    They are scared of those big feelings, which stop them from performing their ideal tasks.

    They have learnt to cut corners and manipulate emotions to always have the upper hand in that toxic relationship.

    Instead of fixing the issues, they feel ashamed of discussing how they are struggling in some area of their life.

    They struggle and scoff at asking for help because since childhood the message was: you are weak if you are feeling sad and hurt, you are weak if you need a shoulder to cry on.

    They shame those who try to seek help and fix their relationships. Their answer to everything is ‘just drop this and move on’ or ‘who cares if anybody is hurting, as long as we are happy’.

    We have absolutely no awareness about what emotional stability, and processing is.

    We only care about emotional resilience, which should be automatic to every human being, which today, research has clearly stated, is a skill taught by parents.

    There’s light at the end of this tunnel

    So I will extend the grace, despite being disappointed that people don’t try to fix their relationships.

    I will pity them because they haven’t understood there is a better way to live out there.

    The least we can do as a society is to believe people are trying really hard and they still need to be celebrated. 

    We can motivate them to be something more, but never shame them for who they are, vehemently trying to achieve, yet failing in the eyes of society.

    In the USA, when homeless people were given a home like normal people for six months with no questions asked, they were able to integrate back into society more easily, because it was easy for them to feel normal. They didn’t feel they were homeless.

    I guess the same thinking we need here.

    We need to tell people that you are loved despite your shortcomings, but they have to stop hurting people in the name of a role.

    A hope for future

    There is a need to understand what we are supposed to be as humans: just nice and kind people who don’t treat others like doormats. 

    We also need to understand when it’s a privilege to be born in a certain way be it gender or caste or physical appearance or to find oneself in a certain role, without much effort, enjoying its benefits.

    And not to ridicule others who are trying their best despite all odds, trying to earn the role that you easily received without being grateful about it.

    At this point of civilization, with so much knowledge and experience and the pain of pandemics, natural disasters and wars and looming dangers of climate change, let’s try to find the value of human life as is, without the fear that we are here to hurt each other, rather to be loved by one another.

    Additional thoughts to munch on

    Professionally, all good organizations give a long grace period for people to try. And since it’s a corporation, it will ask you to let go if after some time you are not meeting the job requirements. 

    But it does give you a training period or even before firing, a chance to up your skill, to try to live up to the role you chose to take. Some organizations give a chance to change departments, should a person feel a lack of interest or want to hone their skills in a different way. 

    In any case, a good company tries to keep you on, with constant dialogue.

    But should we, or could we, do that in personal relationships?

    Divorce is already an official example of people not meeting their roles.

    But what about other blood relationships?

    Since we already have had many conversations on toxic relationships and chucking them, can we have a conversation on how to make relationships work?

    Can we try not to push people away?

    In professional and political spaces, a description of roles is necessary, else how will one assess the performance. Yet many times human angle wins and despite shortcomings, people are appreciated without even achieving their goals.

    But in personal relationships, we have to meet people for what they are, not the job or the role that is described.

    These days dual income families are promoted, and even when the wife is taking care of house responsibilities alone. Even if only the husband’s salary can suffice for the house, the wife is pushed to work without understanding the pressure of such life on the whole family.

    All this leads to reduced familial happiness and a lot of physical and mental health issues, but there is no interest in sitting down and understanding how our trends are affecting the daily lives of millions of people badly.

    Moving beyond the personal sphere of relationships, caste and race have devised professional roles, and it is a given in Indian society for certain castes to do some particular tasks.

    They are never seen for the risks they take or the hard work they put in, rather are always expected to do the difficult work with 200% dedication without complaining about pay. 

    In fact, for them the way for coming out of this caste and gender based loop of work is paved with obstacles and judgements.

    When it comes to gender, despite high quality and hard work, females have to constantly justify for a stable job and pay.

    They are discriminated against for promotion because of reasons like menstruation, pregnancy, child-rearing , which I have discussed in my other essay on Life After Becoming a Mother.

    Also one of the factors of any healthy society is the awareness of privilege. The privilege that is being enjoyed by the privileged class is not considered a privilege by the same people, it’s their birthright.

    And the hardships whoever is facing in the name of gender, caste, financial status is their punishment.

    They can’t complain, they can’t make a noise, lest they be pushed into ‘whataboutery’ and the cycle of bare minimum benefits.

    So with the new found awareness, it is imperative we reassess how we manage our relationships, because clearly older ways are not working, neither professionally nor personally.

  • Perfectionism: Is it enabling you or draining you?

    (A sneak peek into the mind of a perfectionist, who is unable to find their self esteem without validation from others)

    I’m tired of this mind of mine, so tender, it bruises with every word. The one that gets hurt at the slightest comment.

    The one obsessed with validation.

    My entire sense of worth seems to hang on someone else’s words.

    I have this maddening urge to explain myself until the other person finally says, “I get it. I still like you. You weren’t wrong.”

    Why can’t I be wrong? Why am I so attached to being right?

    I’m sure my moral compass was shaped in childhood, by parents who believed that making a mistake meant you were a bad person. So to me, being a good human meant being a perfect one. Nothing less of perfection.

    It’s become an obsession: to be right, always right. And when I’m not, I spiral into anxiety. Then I expect others to accept my shortcomings, because I wasn’t raised right, because I have issues, because I am broken.

    And the burden falls on the ones who love me to accommodate my madness, my fears, my tears, my jolts, my frenzy, my apparent lovelessness.

    It becomes a vicious cycle: “Please don’t hate me, I’m not bad”—to—“Go to hell, you’re wrong and imperfect.”

    Self-preservation takes over when someone tries to push me into a corner.

    I growl like a grizzly bear to scare them away, but on the inside, I just want a hug.

    I want to be told I’m still loved.

    I often observe others, watching how they go about their day, without any apparent worry of the world.

    I don’t understand how people live with their imperfections without constantly fearing ridicule or rejection. I can be kind to strangers, compassionate to broken people, accepting of their flaws.

    But in close relationships, I run a tight ship.

    So tight, it’s suffocating.

    And truthfully? It’s exhausting to live with me.

    I’m constantly analyzing myself, putting myself on trial, playing the jury, the judge, the lawyer, the culprit, and the victim. It feels like I’m holding a fragile ship together. One wrong move, and everything sinks.

    Yes, yes,I know I need help!

    But here’s the question that haunts me: Does wanting to be right mean I need help?

    I fear that if I start letting go, if I start accepting things as they are, I’m giving up on myself.

    Accepting would mean my thoughts aren’t really changing. I’ve just muted my voice.

    I fear I’d become a fake. A hypocrite. An inauthentic.

    So what to do now?

    Should I end relationships where I don’t let the other person breathe?

    Should I only stay close to those I can accept easily?

    Should I keep pushing people to be better?

    Where’s the line between nagging and nurturing? Between trying and accepting?

    Why does acceptance sometimes feel like enabling cruelty? And why does trying to fix things make me feel like the villain?

    If I don’t sound urgent, will people even take me seriously?

    How much time are we wasting hurting each other—hurting ourselves—just to be ‘right’?

    How do I handle the casual disdain people seem to have for empathy and accountability? How far do I go in trying to show them a different way?

    How to tell them their bare minimum is not enough?

    What’s the ideal distance in relationships? What’s hypocrisy, and what’s authenticity? What does it mean to “let people be” versus trying to make a relationship work?

    And then I wonder: what is stopping them, and what is stopping me, from accepting?

    Behind the refusal to accept is fear.

    Fear born in childhood, or maybe adulthood, during those moments when you were left alone, helpless.

    The phoenix in me wondering, whether to rise from the ashes or stay hidden.

    When the hand that was supposed to save you pushed you deeper into the swamp instead.

    You felt like you’d die in those moments.

    But you survived. Heroically.

    At a cost.

    You lost faith. In people. Maybe even in God.

    Now, the only person you trust is yourself, because it was you who pulled yourself out. And even when someone offered help, they didn’t reach in time.

    So now, you plan. You judge. You micromanage every outcome. To avoid vulnerability.

    People might think you’re strong, wise, put-together. But really you’re just scared.

    A scaredy crow who can’t handle surprises. You spin like a top, terrified of falling.

    This perfection isn’t superiority. It’s inferiority, wearing a mask. It’s fear pretending to be in control.

    And when you look at others, you wonder: How are they just living? Not micromanaging? Not terrified of mistakes?

    You’re triggered by their ease. Their confidence. Their oblivion. You scoff at them, call them naive. But in quiet moments, you wonder: Who sleeps better? You or them?

    Maybe you’re jealous. Maybe you envy how little time they spend in fear.

    Your fear shows up as control. As nagging. As intensity. You become the party pooper. The energy zapper.

    But there’s an opposite extreme too: The avoiders. The numb ones. Those who were never taught to handle hard emotions. So they freeze. Scoff. Numb.

    They call emotional people dramatic. They label vulnerability as weakness.

    But deep down, they’re as fragile as you. They just express it differently.

    Addictions often live here: in food, screens, working out to look a certain way, alcohol, sex, shopping, even cleaning. Anything to escape the storm inside.

    So there’s a middle path. There has to be.

    One extreme says stop at the sight of trouble. The other says ignore the signs and run. But the middle path says:

    Pause.

    Feel your feelings. Sit with discomfort. Then choose your next move, with kindness, with strength, with clarity.

    Tell yourself when difficulties are looming over your head, that you are strong enough to face it. You are loved enough to ask for support. You are mature enough to know who to ask. You are kind enough to accept failure. And wise enough to begin again.

    You don’t have to feel ashamed of making mistakes and seeking help. You help others feel whole when they think they’re missing something to be happy and worthy.

    I read somewhere, Not making mistakes is not perfection but growing continuously changing continuously as per the lessons is perfection.

    So now to me, this is what a healthy mind looks like: A mind that can handle what life throws at it—with quiet dignity. Even if it stumbles, it rises.

    It knows how to hold itself. And when it can’t, it’s confident enough to reach out. Not in desperation, but in strength.

    It doesn’t dwell in shame. It doesn’t seek constant validation. It simply knows:

    The space it holds on this Earth is already its own, and it doesn’t need to be earned or justified.

    I hope all the broken ones find peace. I hope they’re met with warmth instead of suspicion. That their concerns are treated like real wounds. That they are supported like they never were before.

    I hope they know: They matter. Without effort. Without perfection. Without asking.

    Always.

  • The Phoenix in Me

    Long-term trauma leaves you with no idea who you are. You keep coping, imitating, trying to become someone, maybe your ideal self, because you don’t know your original self, if something like that even exists.

    An authentic “you” doesn’t exist yet.

    And then, when you heal a little and build some self-worth, you feel even more lost. You don’t want to copy anymore, but you also don’t know who you truly are. You don’t like being told what’s wrong with you because, deep down, you feel it’s not your fault.

    You don’t know your weaknesses or strengths because, whatever they are, they’ve just been your way of surviving all this time.

    It takes years, sometimes decades, to figure out what you should and shouldn’t be. And while you’re stuck in that process, life keeps passing by. Once again, you feel left behind. Once again, you’re missing the boat.

    People say, “You can be anything.” But how do you even choose what to be? If you had a personality to begin with, maybe you could just hone it. But when you have to build a whole new one from scratch? That’s something else entirely.

    You’re physically clumsy, mentally even worse, and sometimes only you can see that. The weight of that invisible struggle crushes your confidence. The confusion drains you. The embarrassment, of not knowing yourself, becomes something only you can feel, because others have no idea what it’s like.

    It’s a lonely journey. A dark, small, lonely room in the corner of existence. And the only way to turn the light on is from the outside, by letting in acceptance.

    Acceptance of who you are. Acceptance of the hope that you could be anything. No matter how much you want to escape this room, you can’t unless you carry acceptance with you- everywhere, probably forever.

    And yes, acceptance is heavy too. It puts the responsibility on you. But is it worth it? Maybe. I have yet to see. But sitting alone in this room doesn’t feel good either.

    Decades might pass, and only a few will bother to knock on this door. Even fewer, maybe just one, might try to break it open.

    But is waiting for that person really worth it?

    Instead of expecting someone else to save you, isn’t it better to walk out yourself?

    Carry your own burden, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone who’s carrying a similar one. Or someone who, even without their own burden, is willing to help with yours.

    Life is difficult, but maybe not as unbearable as it seems. If nothing else, we can learn to be our own best company, carrying ourselves through the weight of it all.

    And maybe—just maybe—one day, it won’t feel as heavy anymore.

  • Echoes of a Love Long Gone

    Love and human emotions are complex, capable of offering a wide range of experiences even when the circumstances seem similar. The process of loving someone, feeling disconnected from them, and eventually losing interest follows a pattern many have lived through, yet it feels unique every time.

    Loving someone who was once close, not necessarily an ex-partner, but a family member or a friend who no longer reciprocates the same warmth, is a quiet rollercoaster in itself. Keeping up with someone who no longer shares their life with you, who remains a mystery despite once being an open book, can feel like chasing a mirage.

    You think you know them, but then a void appears, an ever-present gap in your understanding. You yearn for just one missing piece to complete the puzzle of your relationship, of their life, of a shared existence.

    You rarely ask those who know them because you don’t want to seem like you care, even when you do. Instead, you subtly seek clues, scrolling through their social media, piecing together fragments of their world. Sometimes, they reveal something unexpected, something you could never have imagined. Other times, a mutual friend shares a detail that leaves you utterly shaken. Sometimes, you learn something that makes you wonder if you ever truly knew them at all.

    But then comes a stage, after much heartbreak, where you finally give up. The love that once burned fiercely now flickers weakly. You realize you will never be part of their inner world, and in one way or another, they have disappointed you too many times. You’re no longer in their close circle, no longer a favorite, perhaps just a number in their contact list, blocked and unblocked more times than you can count.

    After the storm of emotions passes, indifference sets in. Not hatred, hatred may have had its moment, but now, you no longer wish to know more. Their life no longer intrigues you. Their secrets no longer tempt you. Their interests no longer find a place in your world. Self-preservation has replaced your need to be accepted.

    This is where love, long ailing, finally takes its last breath. It hurts, perhaps just a little, but you know better than to give in.

    Months go by. You both have likely removed each other from social media, not because you wanted to, but because they made it clear you no longer belonged in their life, and you couldn’t bear the constant reminder. So one of you deleted, unfollowed, or blocked the other, each choosing a different path.

    But then, unexpectedly, through some forgotten app, a rare notification, or a mutual group chat, you catch a glimpse of their life again. A recent update. A passing mention. And for a moment, it all comes rushing back. A jolt in your chest. A sinking feeling in your stomach. The urge to look away, yet unable to.

    For a fleeting second, the old love is reminded.

    You take a breath. Maybe a minute, maybe an hour, maybe a day. But then, once again, you remind yourself, it’s not worth it anymore. Probably never was.

    And with that, you repeat the one truth you’ve come to learn:

    What is not watered will not grow—no matter how much you once wished it would.

  • Know Thyself, Love Thyself

    While I often believe that childhood surroundings play a decisive role in shaping who we become, I also see many who turn out completely different from what their environment might suggest.

    A strictly traditional family may raise a free-spirited son, an atheist household could nurture a deeply religious individual, and a family bound by societal norms might have a rebellious child.

    Is it genetics? Is it Freud? Questions worth exploring.

    While understanding why we are the way we are is important, the more essential task is accepting who we are. Until we truly understand ourselves, a process that takes years, we can’t begin to grow or build a better life.

    After all, how can you fix a machine without first diagnosing the issue?

    But self-awareness isn’t just about finding flaws; it’s also about learning to love ourselves. Just as we fall deeper in love with someone as we notice and appreciate their little quirks, the more we come to know ourselves, the more considerate and compassionate we become toward our own being.

    The world tells us to love others, but that love must first begin with ourselves. When we understand our true nature, we can treat ourselves with care and make the necessary adjustments to lead a more fulfilling life.

    Is that something to feel guilty about? Absolutely not. Self-love is the foundation for growth and connection. By embracing who we are, we not only improve our own lives but also enhance our ability to love and support others, helping us become better human beings.

  • Ant- The Teacher

    Once upon a time there was a boy named ray. Ray was a very inquisitive boy who always wanted to learn something new.

    Ray’s father was a small time mechanic in the local garage and he did not earn so much that he could keep up with Ray’s learning needs.

    One day Ray was really upset, feeling neglected that his family could not provide him with all of his wishes and needs. While he was complaining to god about all this, he saw a bunch of ants trying to lift a big sugar cube. What he saw inspired him for his life.

    Next day he ran an idea with his close group of friends. That’s how Ray’s Rental started. They started to rent their own toys and books and other things at a nominal price, which kids of their age would require and couldn’t afford to buy otherwise. This way not one person had to endure the burden of the whole thing, just like ants where a group helped to carry the cube not just one ant.

    Not only sharing your burden financially or emotionally helps ease one’s life but also it builds a thriving community where everyone is aware of each other’s needs and every one of the members of the community do their part to make everyone happy.