Tag: Gentleparenting

Kids don’t become healthy adults naturally. Kids raised in a healthy way even by unhealthy parents become healthy adults. Healthy parents without proper guidance will raise unhealthy kids. More than intention, strategy to raise a child in a healthy age appropriate manner matters more.

Some pointers on how to raise young kids (based on personal experience, discussions with fellow parents and reading)

1. Kids are as obsessed with their parents as adults are with their crushes. A kid’s life revolves around parents 100%. They want to love them yet be angry at them, with the belief that they will never be abandoned, even for a second.
2. Their relationship with parents is like a boomerang. No matter how far they go, how many people they mingle with, they come back to their parents, physically and emotionally.
3. Parents are not only guardians but calibrators, co-regulators, neutralizers of negative things/emotions, punching bags, a cushion, a compass, and the people kids mirror the most. Literally, everything in life they learn and then sometimes unlearn on the basis of how their parents brought them up.
4. Parents have to understand, their calm is their kid’s calm. Kids don’t understand love, peace, and calmness by default. They learn it through their parents. They also learn how to express their emotions, dark and peaceful both, through them.
5. Kids learn to work with emotions through their parents. Kids have all emotions just like adults, minus the logic. The way you deal with your difficult emotions, is how they would learn to deal with theirs.
6. Kids mirror the social dynamics parents follow. Also their body language, grooming level, their routine, their understanding of the social world, financial habits, everything. Including kindness and cruelty.
7. Kids don’t understand action and reaction. They only understand attention and mirroring.
8. They will repeat any behaviour if it gets them attention, positive or negative.
9. Kids subconsciously mirror whatever parents do. So no matter what they say, they actually copy their whole behavior. Empty words don’t work on kids. If you don’t like something in your child’s behavior, it is most likely from the parents, or the people they usually hang out with.
10. There are three times in a day when (young) kids crave parental bonding.
    First, when they wake up.
    Second, when they come back from school or after spending a few hours away from their parents.
    Third, before sleeping.
    On all these occasions, kids want their parents, at least one of them. Especially a calm and loving parent who gives them tons of attention. This is the time they crave love and want the parent to baby them, cuddle them, and show them how much they are loved and treasured. They share their stories and inner world during these times. This is the time to fill their cup.
11. Kids love routine. They love predictability. Doing similar things every day at a similar time keeps them calm. Any change in this including location overstimulates and disturbs them, hence they throw tantrums.
12. Kids don’t understand logic; they understand emotions.
13. Kids are always reading their parents’ actions and body language. They observe how they talk about the world and themselves and how they treat others and themselves too. That is the script they are going to follow for themselves and in their relationships. So, if you think your child is grumpy, observe whether you yourself are grumpy or not.
14. Kids don’t like over attention. All kids are shy by nature, meaning they don’t like unwanted attention. They choose whose attention they like and mostly they are caregivers, family and friends. Exposing them to camera for the public, forcing them to perform in front of others, exposing their personal lives in front of others and putting them on a stage without understanding their hesitation can damage their self esteem and push them either to become a rebel or an extreme attention seeker or in perennial need of validation. Kids don’t enjoy being on the stage before a certain age. They like doing things at their own pace.
15. Do not teach your child they need to be famous and powerful to be happy. They don’t have to do anything to look cool. They should always learn to be their authentic selves.
16. Please don’t raise obedient children. Raise children who can ask you questions and can give you their consent. Don’t raise a pushover nor a bully. Hence, don’t force them to do anything nor bully them.
17. Everything that adults do in their life, from the basic stuff like greeting people, waiting, table manners, hygiene, kindness everything is a skill to be learnt by the child. Most of the learning they do by observing. That is why Mowgli couldn’t have accommodated in normal civil society because he was raised under jungle that also wolf rules. So, expecting a child to know these automatically and before a certain age is a wrong expectation.
18. Teaching any skill to a child is like healing a fractured bone. It would heal in any way, rejoining at any angle, if not set by a plaster, hurting one for life long. But with proper intervention, it becomes as good as new. So any skill in any realm of life, needs to be taught by adults at their kid’ pace, not theirs. Without adequate guidance, a child won’t be able to learn any skill properly and will struggle later as an adult, thinking this is how he is naturally.
19. Rushing/pressurising/leaving them alone to learn are inappropriate ways to teach any skill. This only increases anxiety, procrastination, perfectionist complex, risk aversion in kids. Kids are not animals, the only thing kids know by default are the basic human-animal needs like hunger, sleep etc. But without guidance they wouldn’t learn how to fulfill them either. If you don’t teach them, they will eat anything to fill their tummy. They need to be helped with what healthy food looks like, understanding hunger and sleep routine etc.
20. Healthier and safer the kids feel around parents, naughtier and goofier they would be around them.
21. The more proper and adult-like kids behave, the more their natural feelings are suppressed.
22. It doesn’t mean kids shouldn’t be nudged when they do something inappropriate. Teaching should come from a place of maturity and calmness, not embarrassment, competition, validation and ego.
23. A tantrum is a call for attention, not a time to teach/preach.
24. A good kid or a bad kid, any extreme reeks of a problem with child psychology. Young kids are supposed to be naughty, pushing boundaries, experimenting with their physical limits, and trying to control situations like adults. That is normal during growing up. As a parent to assume, a young child would automatically become a nice person who does everything you ask them to do, which means the child might become a people pleaser, they are repressing their feelings to appease you. Our job is to guide them and provide them healthy boundaries among which they can exercise their autonomy. Kids expect boundaries from us, they want to see how far they are allowed to push in this world.
25. Kids are always trying to understand their place in the world.
26. A bad kid per say is a call for attention. Parents couldn’t create a healthy attention dynamic, hence, the child believed through reckless behavior they will get attention from their parents. It is not the kid’s fault, but the caregivers who did not notice them or nourish them in the right way.
27. Parents need to show their kids they always love them but won’t agree to their wishes all the time. Life is unfair, not at home, but it is. Patience and perseverance are very important skills.
28. Kids shouldn’t be praised for their physical beauty, nor should anyone be in front of them. Not in the sense that they feel inadequate about themselves, or judge others in the same way. They shouldn’t be made to feel their body is lacking in any way, be it size or color. Teach them, world shouldn’t revolve around physical features but it is our actions and behavior that matter more.
29. Every one on this earth is born beautiful. It’s not up for debate. If you think we need to be a certain way to be considered beautiful and to get love, acceptance and praise, then first we need to work on our self esteem, conditioning and projection issues. Please lie to your child that you think they are very beautiful, you like them exactly as they are and so is the case with every kid, and work on your mindset meanwhile. Grooming doesn’t define how beautiful one is.
30. Teach them, it is not necessary that one will like them or praise them, and that’s okay. If you feel uncomfortable with something done by someone, either ask or just do something else. Don’t make it about yourself, it never is. Your kid is the best person to be with always, and it’s a loss of someone else if someone doesn’t want to include them in any activity. Teach them not to dwell on the events where others make us feel bad. We will find more people in this big world who treat us better. It’s important to validate their sadness during such events and teach them to sit with difficult feelings too, rather than escaping them.
31. Encourage them not to do mind reading of others, especially people who are not close to them. If someone wants to tell them something, they should tell them. So, never give them silent treatment, with the hope they would figure it out. They can sense the tension, but not the reason. It creates pressure on their fragile nervous system. This behavior of trying to learn to sense emotions of others, will make them people pleaser and snubbing their emotions to appease others.
32. Do not put caretaking adult responsibilities on them. They do it out of fun, and to feel good about themselves is another thing, but don’t make it their responsibility. There is an age to treat them like adults, teach it to them then.
33. Praise them to be kind and thoughtful, instead of wise and pretty.
34. Parents shouldn’t hit or yell. Remember- louder the kid, the calmer the parent should be.
35. When in doubt, hug. Work on a special handshake, for just you and your kid.
36. Tell your kid they are your favourite person, you miss them, and you love spending time with them.
37. Have at least one dedicated hour with them. Do any activity just with them. It fills their cup. Make it a routine.
38. Do not snub a child when they are pushing their physical limits like jumping or climbing. Instead encourage them to be safe by rechecking their strategy, be there with them to protect but don’t stop them unless it’s too risky. This will build their confidence. Let them do house chores. Be there to guide, over protection will only make them wary of even trying. This is not about chores but teaching them to trust their instincts, developing their curiosity bone, building confidence and risk appetite.
39. Kids who are helicopter parented, overprotected in daily life, asked not to jump or do risky physical moves, grow up to be timid typically. The more decisions you make for them, the more dependent they become on you. There’s a fine balance between being a parent and a guide that you have to maintain.
40. If you have more than one kid, treat them equally, express your love similarly, no matter their age.
41. Always keep your promises.
42. Thank them and apologise to them, always.
43. Praise them regularly, for their actions and efforts specially, directly and among your family.
44. Show them you respect them.
45. Never tell them you’ll leave them or push them out of the house or into a room alone when they are upset. This brings distance and makes them fearful of abandonment.
46. When they are throwing a tantrum, just sit there with no reaction. Try to soothe them, hug them, show them deep breathing, and share healthy ways to express anger. Validate their feelings but don’t give into their wishes just because of a tantrum. Work on how to calm yourself down, during such episodes. When you both are calm at a later time, talk about healthy ways to vent out anger and follow them too.
47. Never tell them to not be angry or sad, don’t offer an ice cream or screen instead of letting them sit with difficult emotions. Be with them to show, it happens and you are with them in this. Validate their confusion, but not inappropriate behavior.
48. All feelings are valid in your house but not all behaviors.
49. Don’t get into an ego tussle with them. A kid’s ego is just a feeling of learning to be independent, a feeling that they have more control over their life. It is not to hurt you or insult you, so don’t take it personally. They don’t think of themselves as kids when it comes to making decisions, but when it comes to emotions, they want to be babied all the time. For example, when they hit you, they will cry first. That’s the amount of shame they have for hurting you, at the same time they are frustrated with their own big emotions, learning what to do with them.
50. To help make kids better decisions, use strategies on the basis of child psychology, not emotional manipulation or fear. There is so much information, you just have to be interested to learn.
51. Don’t be a lazy/indifferent/laid-back parent when it comes to a child’s emotions. Be understanding of their age appropriate behaviour. Nobody else can guide them better than you. They are waiting to learn.
52. Punishment doesn’t teach them anything.
53. Don’t shame your kids. Don’t make fun of them, be it when you are alone with them and especially in front of anyone. Don’t teach them stuff through passive aggressive methods or silent treatment. Don’t pass sarcastic remarks. Don’t talk to your kid as if they are adults. Be clear yet soft.
54. Kids don’t understand sharing, tit for tat , revenge naturally. Nor they would learn kindness and being helpful.They need to be taught things through behavior and dialogue. Don’t teach them we should avoid difficult feelings and emotions, and manipulative behaviors to gain attention.Whatever person you want them to become, be that!
55. If you want them to teach not to hit you, don’t hit them back. They won’t see that you were telling them it hurts, they will learn 1st, they have hurt their parents which is unbearable for them. They can’t handle that guilt. 2nd, they learn their parents and their loved ones can hurt them. 3rd, violence is okay in a loving relationship.
    It will become a negative trip where slowly they will become immune to punishments. Every learning has to come along with love and attention.
56. Kids love healthy and happy parents. They feel super secure when their parents are in love and solving life together. If you want to raise a healthy and happy child, work on your relationship with your partner first.
57. Even a single parent is enough, it’s just keeping the house calm and full of happiness. Don’t sulk, don’t share adult problems with your young kid, don’t make it their job to keep you happy. It is always the other way round. Yes you don’t have to be fake but yes you have to assure your child constantly and things are good and they are safe no matter what. There’s a reason in all the apocalypse movie, the parent is always assuring the child that they are safe no matter what, because they believe whatever their parents tell them.
58. Don’t badmouth constant adults in your child, like fellow parents, grandparents, uncle and aunts, teachers, siblings, cousins. A kid’s self worth is associated with how adults in their life are perceived. If they feel ashamed of them, they will carry shame for themselves. It is important how you talk to people and how you handle issues in your family.
59. If you have a person in your family, who could be toxic for your child, it is your job to protect them. Don’t leave it on your kid if they choose to talk to them or not. You draw the boundary, kids are too fragile to make this distinction. Kids are not diplomatic, they just want love and attention from everyone they like.
60. Kids can’t handle stress in the family. They can’t process those emotions. And because of this confusion, their natural growth processes would be disrupted. Physically, they may be growing but internally they are struggling. Even problems like sleep issues, bed wetting, constipating, over eating or undereating, would have stress as underlying reasons.
61. Kids are very forgiving. Everyday they give you a chance to make it right. So instead of feeling guilty, show up, tell them you are sorry and start again.

Ultimately:

It is always worth working on your relationship with your child, even when they grow old. This includes working on yourself too.

Kids, no matter the age, just want to be seen and heard by their parents. It is not impossible as long as you put your ego aside.
Kids even have a tendency to justify your mistakes on your behalf, that’s how much their self worth is entwined with their parents.

Kids who feel shame from their parents, don’t feel properly emotionally supported by their parents make very rough choices growing up. They might have low self worth and self sabotaging tendencies.

Parents hold a space in their child’s heart, which either becomes a wound, void or where they take their all positive energy from in the dark phases of life. Parents literally are the Sun in a child’s life. Without their proper love and support, it’s all darkness from them.

No other person can fill that place. The replacement can’t form the roots that parents had, everything else is a band-aid.

A Reminder:

This message is not for the kids, this is not a reminder for them to call their parents, but only the blaring truth that parents can’t ignore.

Please love your child like they deserve, not on your terms, without any ifs and buts.

You authentically take 1 step, they will take 10. They are waiting for that unconditional support, love and acceptance from you. Even when they have healed from this wound, they still really appreciate it, if they could get validation from you.

It’s worth all the effort to see the love that your children have for you, without any disappointments in their eyes. As a parent, I wish everyone could truly enjoy the bliss children bring to our world.

We are never the same after looking into those tiny eyes for the first time.

Every hug, every moment of calm, every apology plants seeds that last a lifetime. Love them in a way they can feel, every day.

To read more on how parenting affects adult behaviour, click below:

Who Are You Without their Approval?