Jealousy walks into our lives quietly, like an uninvited guest. It doesn’t shout at first. It lingers in the corner, watching, comparing, whispering that someone else has what we don’t.
As children, it may start with toys or attention; as adults, it shifts to success, love, or recognition.
Yet the emotion is the same. It is raw, uncomfortable, and deeply human.
The real question is not whether jealousy visits us, but what we choose to do when it does. Should we deny it, let it poison us, or learn to understand the truths it is pointing toward?
My observation is we feel jealous only in certain types of situations. And it has some markers and with some inner work we can get past it, if we can organise our thoughts around it a bit.
- The distance factor
Our degree of jealousy depends on how “close” we feel to the person in question. In a way, it shows in which league we put ourselves.
For example, jealousy usually hits harder when the person is closer to our own life situation. They probably have a similar job, from a similar educational or financial background, same hometown, same social circle etc. Something which puts you in a pretty similar opportunity category, seemingly. That’s why siblings/classmates/cousins/colleagues often feel jealous of each other.
But if the distance is too big, jealousy shifts into admiration. Think of a gully boy admiring Eminem. He knows he can only admire him, not join his league. But another successful musician, closer to Eminem’s level, might feel more jealousy than admiration.
We often see how celebrities are jealous of each other’s success. A small kid would admire Meryl Streep, but a leading actor of Bollywood would probably be jealous of her.
So, when the gap feels too wide to cover, we admire it. When the gap feels bridgeable, we get jealous.
- The “not earned it” trigger
We also get jealous when we feel someone hasn’t earned what they’re getting. If it looks like they’ve been handed success, attention, or praise they don’t deserve, jealousy rises.
Probably that’s why nepotism hurts so much. You feel you have the same set of skills and talent, but just because of one extra blood relation they are chosen, not you.
Now, if we could acknowledge struggles or see the effort behind someone’s achievements, for example a dear friend, then even when they’re in the same league, we’re more likely to respect them, maybe even encourage them, instead of resenting them.
The acknowledgement of struggle also comes from a place of empathy and security. If we were raised to be kind, then we would notice the struggles and would admire the hard work someone does to achieve something similar.
- Low self-worth
A big root of jealousy is low self-worth. If I feel jealous because someone else is called beautiful, inner work will show that I’m dissatisfied with my own looks.
Deep down, I think, “This person has the same flaws as me. Why don’t they feel the same inferiority as I do? Why am I not being praised like them?”
When we see them coping with their insecurities, it reminds us of our own failures, and we lash out as jealousy.
This is why having a clear sense of self and clear definitions of concepts like happiness, beauty, or love is so important. If you truly believe everyone is beautiful in their own way, including yourself, jealousy naturally decreases.
So, the moral?
Let them be. And you be you. Use jealousy as a marker of what you think is missing, instead of projecting it on others. The more secure you are in yourself, the less anyone can touch you.
- Seeking approval and comparisons
Jealousy also spikes when someone we seek approval from compares us to another person, who we do not think we are similar to at all. Maybe the comparison isn’t even valid, but because their judgment matters to us, we start competing with the one they held against us.
The real question is: why do you need this person’s approval? Are they qualified to judge? Mature enough, despite the age and status? Do they even understand your journey? Have you lived similar lives, with similar struggles and opportunities?
Often the answer is no. Yet we still let their comparison sting us.
The most common example? Cousins, neighbours, colleagues. But are we really that similar? Should we let the cognitive bias of the comparer define our worth?
It’s like asking: should elephants really care what ants say about them?
This happens within families a lot. We are compared to a sibling or a distant cousin, and are constantly shamed for our struggles and failures. We feel hurt by our parents and elders for not recognizing our life situations, and shaming us, to apparently help us.
We are shamed despite being successful by all social parameters, for a thing which doesn’t make sense, except your elders.
Startup founders, even after being successful and accoladed by one and all, are shamed by their elders for not clearing government jobs, because success for them is a blue light car (although banned now).
Shaming as children it only increases resentment towards parents, and sometimes even that person we are being compared with.The jealousy sometimes puts distance because of the constant comparison. We would probably want that person who we are being compared with to show our parents their flaws too.
We want to tell our parents nobody is perfect, especially the person they think.
My verdict of this situation is, what if our elders are really not that smart? What if the lens they think they are wearing to assess our life is outdated, broken and damaged? Why should I think my parents or elders know everything better than me? What if they are really wrong in some of the cases?
It doesn’t mean they are not worth my respect, it means I shouldn’t take their judgements seriously and reiterate it to them now and then, that what they are doing is not helping but damaging their child’s peace.
All in all
Maybe jealousy isn’t the villain we paint it to be. It is a mirror. Sometimes harsh, sometimes painfully honest. It is showing us where our longings hide. For children, it can be a chance to learn fairness, gratitude, and patience.
For us, it can be a reminder to turn inward rather than outward, to ask what is missing in our own lives that we keep measuring against others. If we are jealous of someone traveling a lot, then proabably we should also try to book our tickets too now and then.
If we can hold jealousy gently instead of fearing or denying it, it stops being a shadow and starts becoming a guide, on our journey of self awareness.