She stood in the kitchen, not because she loved to cook, but because being a wife meant she had to. He fixed the pipe, not because he was good at it, but because being a man meant he had to.
Beneath their roles, they were just tired people longing to be seen.
Why do we choose to live as roles instead of just us?
Roles that we inherit due to our birth, that are assigned to us or based on what we want to be in a personal relationship, where we come from, our gender , and even our caste or race.
We don’t just inherit roles, we crave love through them. As a child, we wish our parents would see us beyond performance. As adults, we carry that wish into marriage, friendships, and families. But instead of intimacy, roles offer scripts.
Because it seems as though we’ve forgotten that beneath these roles, there’s a human being trying to make sense of the world, struggling to keep up with expectations and standards that are not their own, but set by others.
One instance of our prejudice about roles is menial work. Blue-collar work is not respected as much in India because people are seen for the work they do, not for the human they are.
We fail to recognize the privileges we have and how they shape the way we interact with others in a society.
The emotional burden of performance
One of the things growing up I have always resented is how easily anybody is insulted when they are not doing the job intended for them as per the standard set by the society, beyond the salary or money involved, but sometimes including that too.
We are reduced to tasks, roles, and duties, based on time, tradition, culture, location, and gender and are judged by how well we fulfill the expected roles, and this judgment is constant.
There’s no room for understanding the complexities of a person’s life or the struggles they face.
Instead, we’ve built a system where anyone can become a judge, offering critiques and shame without empathy.
The masks we wear
It’s almost as if every person is a machine, expected to perform at the same level of efficiency and productivity without deviation, without room for humanity.
I wonder who said ‘we are all born unique’!
And when someone doesn’t meet these expectations, it’s easy for society to point the finger.
But when those same judges are asked to look inward and examine their own flaws, the room falls silent.
Bubbles in my head
These accountability questions lead to a cycle of shame, hurt, and dejection in the heart of the person who was busy judging others but never tried to take a look inside.
People feel as though they’re never good enough, that they’re failing at a role something they never even chose to play.
They seek acceptance, to be seen beyond their roles. They want someone to tell them it’s okay to not be perfect.
They want someone to tell them not to be so harsh to themselves. But more often than not, society offers no space for such grace.
Despite this core desire of being accepted for who they are without being shamed for their perceived inefficiencies, the hurt and imperfect people cover this shame, and dejection because yes, maybe they are “so weak and inefficient’, because that’s how deep the conditioning is.
Or they would turn these complex feelings into anger, that nobody is willing to help them or understand them yet are willing to judge them.
So they build a chasm, or they become a doormat.
They are willing to be treated like the worst person as their punishment, or they are willing to wear the strongest emotional armour so that nobody and nothing, no warmth and love, can pass through it.
The fixation on structure v/s desire to flow
This brings me to a bigger question: Why do we care so much about roles?
Why is it that our relationships, our entire way of living, is based on these predetermined expectations?
Is it a trust issue? Do we believe that if we don’t define everything, love and care won’t flow naturally?
Why do we prioritize tradition over genuine expressions of love, even when it suffocates us?
Why do we feel trapped by expectations from people who may not even love us?
Unless there is some psychological reasoning behind it, for example, parents have to take care of the young ones because young ones are dependent on adults, hence they can’t worry about the child’s expression of love towards them, there is no room for discussion on why we have to continue to keep living up those roles which feel more like a burden.
Putting my thinking cap on
Shouldn’t expectations from the role we play in our relationships as adults should be on the basis of how the person is, rather than pre writing, pre-ordaining it?
Because it puts the onus on the person themself, whether they want to be in that role or not, instead of society thrusting their traditions on them. There is a greater accountability in their behavior, should they choose to be in a certain role/relationship.
For example, in modern married couples, both partners work. Why should gender roles still define who does the housework and who works outside?
Why can’t the husband cook because he’s better at it, or the wife handle the finances because she’s better at it?
Haven’t we progressed enough to have a mature discussion with our partners and parents about how we would like to lead our life?
Why do we still need religion and tradition to tell us if we are falling short of our own responsibilities, or what living a healthy relationship should look like?
What exactly is missing?
Is it education? Or is it critical thinking? Is it the belief that humans don’t or can’t change?
Maybe some people should be left alone because they don’t want to take any responsibility. Society has to expect not everyone is born to build a family.
The rigged system- Role inequality in marriage & family
This also leads to another dilemma, why should everybody have the same set of roles and responsibilities to live up to, against their will?
For instance, why should people be forced to marry if they are really not interested in sharing that ideology with anyone? What for them marriage should be just a label and they still live their life like when they were unmarried, without any burden?
Why should every couple marry, if they are happily making it work without a label? Why should monogamy be the norm for a couple if the couple is okay with polygamy or open relationships, or many other new formats out there?
Why should every person grow up with this notion that they will get a partner despite making zero efforts in becoming a good match?
Why should every couple think about becoming a parent just because society expects them to?
Why can’t friends raise a family together, and still date outside?
Why should only the husband have to worry about finances and a house, why raising kids should be a concern for the mother only? Why is birthing the only way to become a parent?
Why aren’t people with pets acknowledged as a family?
Why do people inherently think they will automatically have the right to their parents’ property or partner’s hard work, despite being an abuser to them?
Why should society decide how adult children take care of their parents? Why only daughters leave their house after marriage, why not the couple choose where they would like to live and how to take care of each other’s family?
Why is adoption looked down upon, even if the couple is able to conceive? Why adopt only neurotypical children? Why parents aren’t encouraged to adopt disabled or neurodivergent or special children?
Why should a couple be told how many kids they should birth and what their gender should be? Why can’t a mother choose whether she wishes to work or not after having children or whether she wants to halt her career for raising kids?
When would it end?
When a man and woman get married, the woman is expected to know cooking, house chores, and caretaking of elderly and children by default. It is never considered whether she is even interested in cooking, or caretaking or how skilled she is.
She is expected to cook and do house work like a professional, whereas for the same work there are professional degrees out there and men are at the helm of all these fields.
Men get the medals for performing best at these jobs which are basically domestic work for a woman, but a woman is never appreciated for the similar hard work she puts in to make a house, a family work.
It’s said she’s born to be a slave (read wife and a mother) and shouldn’t complain.
The husband has to know how saving works, and bring home the maximum amount of salary and financial freedom without understanding whether he is skilled to do that.
He should do the heavy physical work of the house, be the alpha, and be aggressive. He also should be ready to fire a punch when required, and has to be the engineer, plumber, carpenter and mechanic of the house.
He has to put his personal goals aside, to meet the family goals always. A man’s life is about providing, he can’t dream of pursuing anything for his soul while taking care of his family.
He can’t ask his wife to take care of the finances, should he feel not strong or inclined enough.
The man is ridiculed for being soft and emotional and if pursues art as a hobby. He is made fun of if talks about emotions and self care.
His identity is defined by the hours he spends at work, and the money he brings in. He would be shamed if he is dependent on his wife financially or if she earns more than him.
A man is not a human being, but money making machine and free of cost handy-man for life.
He also has to be on his masculine side always and if as a husband is warm to his wife and as a father is caring for his children, then he is made fun of like he is being too soft to be called a man.
Men can’t be feminist, else according to the society they’d lose their masculinity. Men can’t be non violent too, because that means they are just weak.
If a husband chooses to earn less or looks less physically appealing than her wife, like shorter height, then society keeps reminding the couple how the wife is at the losing end.
In the same breath, if the wife is less pretty, is not good at housework, tends to fight for her rights, has a voice and is a feminist (as they say it), then she is continuously reminded she is not the ideal partner her husband should get.
The best wife is a submissive kind who has no rights and voice of her own.
When the wife expects financial support from the husband apart from the house expenditure, then she is ridiculed that she is supposed to sacrifice and made to feel like a burden and a money waster.
Whereas a husband can bring any number of guests to cater to and the wife should be ready to put up with a smile at any time of the day because of what the role demands.
But the husband can say no to any demand in the name of only earner hence decision maker of the house, even after being aware that wife has no other avenue and time to earn money.
Men are made the alpha, with only the criteria of money, without assesing how well they are taking care of their family.
A wife is only custodian of the money that her husband earns, she can’t ask for an allowance, in fact she has to think before asking, else she will be ridiculed for being a spent thrift and called greedy. She is expected to never save and can be asked for her assets or jewellery to be sold at any point, without her consent.
This has already created dual pressure on women these days, to be a perfect homemaker and excellent at office work too. She can’t think of not earning, because whenever she will need money, she’d be made to feel like a beggar.
This is the female empowerment, to save oneself from the insult. Instead of teaching men their responsibility and healthy mindset about it, women have to figure it out themselves.
Women have to overperform to be heard, to be safe, to be respected. Not because they are weak, but because the system was never built to protect them, only to contain them.
Also, only a man’s work is valued because it is economically productive yet on the other side, the man is not supposed to enjoy any family bliss and has to spend his days only providing for family.
The number of hours and the hard work both the partners are putting in to make the family work are not accounted for equitably.
Sometimes, I actually wonder is patriarchy even beneficial to men? Wouldn’t feminism actually empower them ?
The cycle of pain goes on
Parents have to be always on the providing end and children take no responsibility as adults, especially if parents are not able to.
Parents are unwilling to adjust and change their lifestyles as per their adult children’s capacity, leading to tension between both the generations.
‘It was your job to raise us’, that’s what parents get to hear. Or ‘we did so much for you, yet you complain’, told by parents to their children.
These are the normal discourse between adult children and parents, where no side is willing to take any accountability of their behavior and how they could be hurting one another.
All these scenarios, just indicate one side sacrificing their heart and body out and other reaping benefits of the love the other person is pouring, without any accountability.
What starts as a tired sigh in the kitchen or a quiet resentment at work soon reveals a larger pattern. These aren’t personal failures. They’re systemic expectations. And they shape every household, every marriage, every mind.
Disadvantages of preset roles and responsibilities
People take advantage of the system, and repent despite falling short of that role.
For example in a lot of family disputes, adults who are not even properly taking care of their old parents, harass them for money and property.
In many marriages, one partner exploits the other in the name of the traditional role set by the society. A husband who doesn’t contribute financially still expects his wife to do all the housework with grace and might even push her for earning.
A wife who is not interested in taking care of her side of duties, makes a big deal when her husband doesn’t support her financially.
Men expecting dowry and women dragging and blackmailing men in the name of women’s rights to get alimony is the new trend.
Societal rigidity vs personal choice
All of these issues, according to me, could be resolved, if people just accepted their shortcomings and had an honest conversation about what they want from that relationship.
It shouldn’t be about this is how things have been done till now but more about this is what i’m able to offer, and is the other one agreeing to accept that.
I am my own enemy
The problem is people associating their behavior with their role, instead of assessing their own actions, they tend to maintain a report card of every other person.
It seems, we are completely driven by ego, not by love.
We just don’t want to be blamed, yet in that process if we lose peace and happiness, then that’s okay.
People tend to have a fair idea about where the other person is falling short and why they need to be ridiculed for being inefficient.
But if you truly ask them, “why do you think the other person is inefficient?”, they have some brazen responses which include shaming people, calling them lazy, selfish, manipulative, and cruel.
And if you ask them why they themselves are falling short in their own role, then they’d give you a laundry list of reasons, which eventually means, cut them some slack and not bother with judgment, have some pity on them.
The abyss within
All in all, the discussions are always futile because you can never reach a consensus point with someone who is unwilling to have a real discussion about themselves and those who are unwilling to extend grace to others.
This always makes me wonder why there are such major trust issues in all of our relationships.
And then I observe, during their childhood, none of these people were extended any grace or honesty or space to be themselves.
So today, they struggle to name their feelings and emotions.
They are scared of those big feelings, which stop them from performing their ideal tasks.
They have learnt to cut corners and manipulate emotions to always have the upper hand in that toxic relationship.
Instead of fixing the issues, they feel ashamed of discussing how they are struggling in some area of their life.
They struggle and scoff at asking for help because since childhood the message was: you are weak if you are feeling sad and hurt, you are weak if you need a shoulder to cry on.
They shame those who try to seek help and fix their relationships. Their answer to everything is ‘just drop this and move on’ or ‘who cares if anybody is hurting, as long as we are happy’.
We have absolutely no awareness about what emotional stability, and processing is.
We only care about emotional resilience, which should be automatic to every human being, which today, research has clearly stated, is a skill taught by parents.
There’s light at the end of this tunnel
So I will extend the grace, despite being disappointed that people don’t try to fix their relationships.
I will pity them because they haven’t understood there is a better way to live out there.
The least we can do as a society is to believe people are trying really hard and they still need to be celebrated.
We can motivate them to be something more, but never shame them for who they are, vehemently trying to achieve, yet failing in the eyes of society.
In the USA, when homeless people were given a home like normal people for six months with no questions asked, they were able to integrate back into society more easily, because it was easy for them to feel normal. They didn’t feel they were homeless.
I guess the same thinking we need here.
We need to tell people that you are loved despite your shortcomings, but they have to stop hurting people in the name of a role.
A hope for future
There is a need to understand what we are supposed to be as humans: just nice and kind people who don’t treat others like doormats.
We also need to understand when it’s a privilege to be born in a certain way be it gender or caste or physical appearance or to find oneself in a certain role, without much effort, enjoying its benefits.
And not to ridicule others who are trying their best despite all odds, trying to earn the role that you easily received without being grateful about it.
At this point of civilization, with so much knowledge and experience and the pain of pandemics, natural disasters and wars and looming dangers of climate change, let’s try to find the value of human life as is, without the fear that we are here to hurt each other, rather to be loved by one another.
Additional thoughts to munch on
Professionally, all good organizations give a long grace period for people to try. And since it’s a corporation, it will ask you to let go if after some time you are not meeting the job requirements.
But it does give you a training period or even before firing, a chance to up your skill, to try to live up to the role you chose to take. Some organizations give a chance to change departments, should a person feel a lack of interest or want to hone their skills in a different way.
In any case, a good company tries to keep you on, with constant dialogue.
But should we, or could we, do that in personal relationships?
Divorce is already an official example of people not meeting their roles.
But what about other blood relationships?
Since we already have had many conversations on toxic relationships and chucking them, can we have a conversation on how to make relationships work?
Can we try not to push people away?
In professional and political spaces, a description of roles is necessary, else how will one assess the performance. Yet many times human angle wins and despite shortcomings, people are appreciated without even achieving their goals.
But in personal relationships, we have to meet people for what they are, not the job or the role that is described.
These days dual income families are promoted, and even when the wife is taking care of house responsibilities alone. Even if only the husband’s salary can suffice for the house, the wife is pushed to work without understanding the pressure of such life on the whole family.
All this leads to reduced familial happiness and a lot of physical and mental health issues, but there is no interest in sitting down and understanding how our trends are affecting the daily lives of millions of people badly.
Moving beyond the personal sphere of relationships, caste and race have devised professional roles, and it is a given in Indian society for certain castes to do some particular tasks.
They are never seen for the risks they take or the hard work they put in, rather are always expected to do the difficult work with 200% dedication without complaining about pay.
In fact, for them the way for coming out of this caste and gender based loop of work is paved with obstacles and judgements.
When it comes to gender, despite high quality and hard work, females have to constantly justify for a stable job and pay.
They are discriminated against for promotion because of reasons like menstruation, pregnancy, child-rearing , which I have discussed in my other essay on Life After Becoming a Mother.
Also one of the factors of any healthy society is the awareness of privilege. The privilege that is being enjoyed by the privileged class is not considered a privilege by the same people, it’s their birthright.
And the hardships whoever is facing in the name of gender, caste, financial status is their punishment.
They can’t complain, they can’t make a noise, lest they be pushed into ‘whataboutery’ and the cycle of bare minimum benefits.
So with the new found awareness, it is imperative we reassess how we manage our relationships, because clearly older ways are not working, neither professionally nor personally.