Why Being Unable to Show Up Is a ‘You’ Issue, Not a ‘Them’ Issue?
Most of the time, when we get ready to meet someone, we think about how they will perceive us. Will they approve of the way we look? Will we fit in?
This concern makes sense in formal settings, where dress codes act as unspoken signals. Dressing like the attendees at a corporate event or a government meeting signals, I belong here. I understand your language. Even in creative spaces like art exhibitions or tech startups, a certain aesthetic exists—one that distinguishes us from them.
But what about relationships? Shouldn’t those be the spaces where we show up as we are, not as someone trying to belong? Is that too much to expect in this world where everything else is made up?
Living As Per the World vs. Living True to Yourself
The truth is, many of us live as versions of ourselves shaped by the world, not by what feels natural to us. But what makes us doubt our authentic selves? What strips away our ability to stand firm in who we are?
The answer: Self-esteem.
A deep, unwavering belief that you are lovable and worthy exactly as you are, not because of your appearance, achievements, or status, but simply because you exist. Not an arrogance that stems from superiority, nor apathy that disguises insecurity, but a quiet confidence that says, I am enough.
The Fear of Not Being Enough
I’ve seen this trope play out in movies: Two childhood friends, now grown up, decide to meet. One of them, usually the heroine, recognizes the other right away. But the hero is searching for an idealized version of her -the pretty, polished version he remembers. She sees this, feels small, assumes she isn’t enough, and instead of revealing herself, she walks away.
Is this the guy’s fault, or is it her own self-doubt? If he openly shows disappointment, sure, we can judge him. But maybe even he has a physical preference. And what if he’s just happy to see her, no matter how she looks? Would we pat him on the back for that? And if so, what does that say about our own standards? Are we promoting pity and negating the importance of authenticity?
Who really needs to do the work,the person with an expectation that their love interest will have a certain physical appearance and financial situation, or the person too afraid to show up as they are in the present moment?
Where It All Begins: Childhood
What fuels self-esteem? Why do some people seek a lot of external validation while others don’t?
It all is set in the first 25 years of life. Those years shape almost everything about how we navigate adulthood, including how much we like ourselves. And the biggest deciding factor? Parents.
Or, if not parents, the primary caregivers ,the people who first taught us what being human means. Think about Mowgli. Raised by wolves, he didn’t see himself as a human. He measured himself by the wolf pack’s standards. Even when he was found, he struggled to integrate because his foundation wasn’t built on human identity. That’s how deep early influences go.
If your parents praised you only when you looked a certain way, you learned that appearance equals worth. If they mocked others for their looks, you internalized that judgment, fearing they saw you the same way. And so, you either conformed to avoid shame or rebelled to prove a point,both behaviors driven by external validation rather than self-acceptance.
If You’re a Parent, What Can You Do?
First, learn to love yourself, the way you are. Do the inner work that’s required to reach that healthy stage. How you see the world and yourself influences your child’s worldview. The efforts you make for yourself and the words you use for yourself and others, the things you approve or disapprove of, all these shape your child’s standards for themselves and others.
Yes, you have to teach your child about societal norms. Yes, you have to protect them by teaching them certain behaviors and practices. But none of it should make the child feel inadequate,especially if they struggle to follow those norms. Their worth should never be intertwined with what they do or how they behave in the eyes of a parent. They don’t have to fight you to earn your love.
Second, self-esteem isn’t just about looks. It extends to career, relationships, and life milestones. Parenting requires a fine balance between nudging a child toward growth, setting necessary boundaries, and making them feel inherently valued.
Sometimes, tough love is needed. But how it’s delivered determines whether it builds resilience or damages confidence. A healthy child who grows into a healthy adult doesn’t constantly seek approval. If your child never seeks validation, something’s off. If they always need it, something’s off. And if they tiptoe around your emotions to keep you happy, you might be raising a people-pleaser.
A confident child pushes boundaries because they know your love isn’t conditional. In any case, never mock or shame your child-whether in front of them or behind their back. Sarcasm and shame never help a child (or even an adult) learn anything. They only teach them that they are unworthy of their parent’s love because they failed to meet a certain expectation.
Sarcasm and shame seemingly may work in the short term, but it should not be the norm for correction in the house, your kid (sometimes even adult children) shouldn’t fear that their parents can make fun of them anytime in front of anyone, in the name of motivation. In the long term, it destroys their self esteem and in a deranged way can also be used to gain an unhealthy form of attention from you.
Research shows that kids who receive enough love and healthy attention actually listen more to their parents. Parenting becomes easier when children feel secure in their worth and receiving love that is consistent.
As an Adult, What Can You Do?
It may not be about physical appearance. It’s about how you feel about yourself overall. Career struggles, unmet expectations, and peer pressure can all chip away at self-esteem. If you feel like you’re falling behind, it’s easy to shrink.
Instead of forcing yourself to ‘march ahead,’ start by surrounding yourself with people who see your worth beyond your current circumstances. Find friends or family members who remind you that you are you—not your achievements, not your setbacks, just you.
These people keep you grounded when you’re soaring and lift you up when you’re falling. They may even be part of a digital community if your family is toxic and you don’t have supportive friends. Finding healthy support,through online spaces, doing self-care and inner work, reading good books, podcasts, and other perspectives, helps maintain and build self-esteem when it is shattered.
Sometimes, you have to spend time with yourself to rebuild your self-worth from scratch. Something like rising from the ashes like a phoenix.
Final Thought
No one—not society, not your past, not even your own doubts—gets to decide your worth. If something isn’t working out, it’s a matter of strategy and time, not proof of your value.
We all love achieving things, and that’s great. But your milestones should never dictate your right to get love, respect, or attention.
Show up. As you are.
That’s all you ever needed to do.